Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hey there, D.

I'm with ya on that!!

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Well, I thought H had planned on being here around 11am to pick up S9 and S5 again. That's what he told me yesterday, so I called him at about 11:30am to see what was going on.

He was just getting up ! H said he was out late playing cards and was wired when he got back to (mf)'s. He said he didn't fall asleep until almost 4am . Anyway, he apologized and said he would be here no later than 12pm -- H didn't show up until after 12:30pm ..... oh well.

H was affectionate as usual and said he was sorry again for being late. He stopped to get the paper before he got here because he wanted to look for a cheap, used dresser to buy for himself. There was only one in there, but H wasn't interested in it so he was thinking of just getting a new one because he said he had nowhere to put his clothes. Then he said he also needed to get a bed and didn't think there was going to be enough space in the room -- it might feel cramped with a queen bed (that's as small as he'll go) and a dresser. I guess it's a pretty small room, huh? I said, "Well, there's a closet, right?" H said yes so I said, "Then take the hanging organizer with you that's in your closet when you clean it out. It should be enough to hold your socks, underwear, blah blah blah, and take all the extra hangers for your shirts and jeans. If you do that, then you shouldn't need a dresser. Unless you really want one." H quietly said, "Yeah, I can do that." I think it hit him when I said "when you clean it (the closet) out". His mood seemed to drop a bit.

After that, H asked if I could take him to pick up the Jag -- he didn't get a single call about it -- and then bring him back to the house after he parked it in another part of town. I said sure.

So we went and did all that. Then when we got back to the house, H started cleaning out the garage like he told me he would. I thought what he meant by cleaning it out was that he was going to get all his stuff out (his tools and other equipment for work, his "toys", etc), but he just reorganized everything. Oh well. Can't be upset with a tidy garage now, can I ? He did take an extra TV, some side tables, and an old loveseat that was set up in there over to (mf)'s place though, and he asked me to bag up any and all food from the pantry that he could have.

H went to drop off all that stuff at (mf)'s...well...his place then came back to get S9 and S5. The baby was napping so I asked H if he wouldn't mind staying for awhile so I could go grocery shopping. H said go ahead.

I came back, H helped me unload the groceries, then they left to go swimming. The baby and I had some fun, too! We played on the swingset, played peek-a-boo and pat-a-cake, and he played "bang-bang" with the containers while I made dinner.

H brought the boys back just after 8pm, made them a snack, then said he was off to "work" (BTW, he didn't take the rest of his stuff from the closet like he said he was going to). He also told me that it's looking like he might not go to AZ after all but it's not for sure yet.

He came over to me for a hug and kiss, and I didn't budge....(sigh)....I told H that we needed to talk. H said, "Alright. What is it?" I told him I don't think this is working. He said, "Neither do I. Tell me to come home, and I'll do it RIGHT NOW." I said, "No, that's not what I meant." I looked at H, and I noticed him taking a BIG swallow.

Then H said, "I know what you're going to say, so just say it and get it over with." I asked H what was I going to say, and he said, "You're going to tell me this isn't working, and you don't want this anymore, so to just go ahead and file for a D." I told H, "Well, you started off being right, but, H, I don't want a D. I just want space right now, and I want a LOT of it." H said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard."

Then H said, "Tell me what you want, and I'll do whatever it is. If you want me to come home, I will. I'll do it now. What do you want?".......(sigh)

I told H, "I want space, and I think it'll be good for you, too." H asked what I meant by space, and I said, "I think you need to stop coming by all the time and hanging around here and there throughout the day. I also think you need to stop calling all the time. You can call me and let me know when you want the kids. I think for at least right now, our contact with each other should be limited to them."

I could tell that he was getting a bit irritated.

Then I said, "H, I feel like I'm suffocating. You moved out 4 or 5 days ago, but you're still here all the time!" H said, "I'm NOT here ALL THE TIME!" I said, "You are in and out of this house numerous times throughout the day, and you call all the time during the day.....H, are we in agreement here that we are taking a break from each other?" H was thinking for a moment then said, "Well....I thought that's what I wanted....but....yeah, we are." I told him, "Ok...how can that be possible if we are still around each other everyday and all the time?" H was quiet again then said, "Ok, I'm sorry."

Then he stood in front of me and leaned over to put his forehead against mine with his eyes closed. H said he would call me in the morning to let me know when he was going to pick up the boys to go fishing. He said goodbye to the kids then left.

(Sigh).......Did I go too far??? I told H how I felt and what I needed -- space -- but he was NOT too happy about it. Have I gone too far??? Did I push him away too much??? Now I'm afraid that he might be very cold and distant toward me when we do have contact .

I'm afraid I might have screwed up BIG.

Thanks for listening. Good night all.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."