Journaling:

About yesterday....

I felt really out of it . Just tired and not very motivated to do anything. I was basically a vegetable for the whole day .

The boys were gone for most of the day (except for the baby). They were with my parents then MIL came for her turn with them .

I guess H had been handling service calls yesterday and was of course calling the house all day again. I only answered twice out of his 10 phone calls, and they consisted of the same old stuff -- "what are you doing? what are you going to do? why haven't you called me? I miss you...do you miss me? ILY...do you love me? I know you hate me, don't you? But I still LY. I feel this is all wrong, and I just want to come home."

H called around 5pm and asked if he could use the fax machine for work. I told him that was fine.

He got here about 6pm and started on his paperwork while playing with the baby every now and then, and the hugs and kisses were still coming from him.

I was in the kitchen at one point and saw a flyer on the counter for a house-for-sale in Rocklin. I asked H, "What's this?" H told me he picked it up when he was out on his first service call. He said, "I don't know....I was just thinking it would be nice to sell this house, move out there because it's a really nice area, and just start all over and be happy." I didn't have anything to say so I started walking away to go to the bathroom, and then I could hear H saying, "I guess I was just hoping to make things better for us.....but I know you hate me, and I still LY....I thought it could be a fresh start for us, and I do want to be together." I continued on my way and acted like I didn't hear that .....I don't know. They just feel like "words" to me.

H finished up with his work then was getting ready to leave to pick up MIL, S9, and S5 to go out for MIL's birthday dinner. H said, "I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come, but....I figured you didn't want to.....Do you?" I told H thank you but I'll pass. I just wasn't up for being around MIL and SIL.

H and the boys came back around 8:30pm. I had mentioned to H that there was a problem with the satellite service, so he checked it out and was on the phone with customer service for an hour trying to get it fixed; it finally did.

Then H said he was going to play cards. He said, "I'm just so uncomfortable at (mf)'s. I hate sleeping on the floor, and I can't sleep at night. Even worse, I can't get up in the morning. I don't want to because it's so depressing when I open my eyes and see that I'm not home.....I really feel like this is a big mistake, JV......Do you really think this is the right thing to do?"

I told H, "This isn't exactly easy on me either. I don't know if it's right, but we're going to find out, and I think we really do need the space from each other, H."

So H "sadly" got his keys, wallet, etc to get going and gave me another hug and kiss. H said that he was going to pick up the kids today to go swimming again, and after that, he was going to spend the rest of the day cleaning out the garage and getting the rest of his things out of his closet......(breathe in, breathe out, and repeat)......I can do this, and I will get through it.

Before he left, H pointed out to me that he changed the ringer on his cell phone for when I call him. H has numerous ringers and has a different one assigned to everyone who calls him so when it rings, he knows who's calling him. H used to have the "Super Mario Bros." song assigned to the house's number because the boys are HUGE Mario and Yoshi fans , but he said, "I changed it to "The Godfather" because that's the loudest ringer I have, and I don't want to miss a call from you....if you call me."

H also said something about there not being any food at (mf)'s place as he was walking to the car. I told him, "Well I guess you'd better go grocery shopping then." H was quiet for a sec then said, "Yeah...I guess I'd better."

Speaking of which, the fridge is pretty bare here, too ! When H gets here which should be soon, I'll see if he can stay with the kids so I can go buy some.

Thanks for listening, everyone.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown

"Piecing is not for the faint of heart." ~ sage