Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Journaling (cont.):

Alright now.....so there were 5 missed calls, and I'm ASSuming they were all from H (I've got the basic plan so no caller ID). I called his cell and he answered. I asked if he had called me, and H said, "Yeah! I've been trying all day to get a hold of you. What's going on? I thought you'd be here (at the house) already." I reminded H that I told him we probably wouldn't do fireworks until after 9pm when it was dark, so I would be back pretty late. H said, "Well, I wasn't expecting you to get home at midnight." I told him, "H, I told you I was going to be back very late, and it's not going to be midnight when I get there either." H said, "Alright, I'm sorry....(sigh)....What did you guys do?" I told him then he asked if I talked to my sisters, and I said yes I did. H wanted to know what they had to say, but I told him I wasn't going to discuss it with him. He asked why not, and I told him because I just wasn't going to do that and that's all there was to it. He left it alone.

I didn't want to tell him because I knew what kind of reaction I would get from him, and I didn't want it. I know he would've said something along the lines of, "Well screw them all! I don't care what anybody thinks. Just let them know that I'll go ahead and leave you alone then."

So then H told me about what he and the boys did for the day. H took them swimming all day then they went to the central city park for the fireworks show. I told H it sounded like they had a really good time and thanked him again for having the boys. H also said he felt like a really good dad today (yesterday).

Now, I have to admit that I was rather short with H over the phone, but it wasn't intentional. H had picked up on it (duh!) and asked why I seemed mad at him. I told H, "I'm not mad at you, H, ok? Not at all. I'm just really tired from being out in the sun all day, and I just want to get home, and I'm driving through all this traffic right now. It's got nothing to do with you." H said, "Alright, I'm sorry." I told him he had nothing to be sorry for, and I would see him when I got to the house.

I finally got home just before 11:30pm. I walked inside and went to put the baby in his crib, and I didn't see H anywhere. The boys were in bed, so where the heck was he??? Oh well.

I went to get all the stuff out of the truck, and when I came back inside, H was sitting at the kitchen counter writing something. I was putting things away and when he was done, H started following me around like a little lost puppy (???). He seemed to be in another very clingy mood.

I went into the bedroom to change and locked the door behind me because I didn't want him coming in there. I don't feel that's right anymore. Like I thought he would, H followed me to the room and tried to open the door but then realized it was locked. H knocked and asked, "Can I come in?" I told him no because I was changing. H said, "Ok....why can't I come in?" I told him to please just let me finishing dressing and I'd be out in a few seconds. When I opened the door, he was still standing there. I tried to walk past him, but he grabbed my hand and led me back into the room. H tried to get me to lay down with him because he said he wanted to talk, but I told him, "No. We can talk in the living room." So I went there and he followed.

H again tried to get me to tell him what my sisters had to say about all this, and I said to him, "H, for the last time, I'm not telling you. If you keep pushing it, it's just going to make me get angry with you, and I don't want that to happen, so please. Drop it." H said alright and he was sorry again.

Then he told me that he doesn't care what anyone had to say. All that mattered to him was for everyone to know that no matter what happens with us, he will take care of his responsibilities. H said everything will stay the same as far as us (the boys and me) remaining in the house, he will pay all the bills, and I will not have to work.

Then H said he was off to "work" (poker) unless I wanted him to stay. H said it like he was hoping I would ask him to stay, but I told him, "Alright. Good luck! Go make some money!" I was sitting on the couch and he leaned over me to give me a hug. H also gave me another kiss. He tried to make it "special", but I only gave him a nice peck.

H said he would talk to me tomorrow, and he wanted to take the boys with him to take MIL out for a birthday dinner. I told him ok and to just call to let me know when they needed to be ready. H said ILY, and I said, "Alright, love ya, too." H also asked me to remember to keep the phone next to me tonight, and I said, "Ok...I'll try." Didn't feel like giving him too much reassurance there. Hmmm....too late ? Nah, I think I did fine.

So after H left, I went over to the counter and saw a piece of paper folded in half with "XXXXXXX" (my name) on it. It said:

XXXXXXX,

Today I was in Wendy's eating with the kids and this song came on the speaker system from the "American Pie" movie. I just know part of the lyrics. It goes, "So, say you'll stay, " something like that. You know the song.

It brought back a specific memory of you and me at the Boomtown buffet. It was playing on their speakers at the time, and I just remember sitting there, eating my lobster, looking at you, and feeling so happy.

I don't know why but this really hit me today. I almost started crying.

I'm so sorry for everything. I hope you really know I love you and I hope in the end that we find these two people in the picture.

I love you.

XXXXX

There was a picture included with this note. It was one of H and I on a rollercoaster at Great America. We had to be about 19 or 20 then. The coaster was in motion, we were so elated, and we were holding hands.

..... ..... I miss that.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."