Had a great time yesterday for the 4th with my family . We went to Folsom Lake for the first half of the day, and geez -- it was so hot out there ! Luckily my sister went out and bought one of those pop-up canopies for shade, and there was also a gentle breeze from time to time .
Sooo, I was waiting for the "right" time to talk to my sisters (only 2 were there -- I have 3). They did ask me where H, S9, and S5 were at. I would've liked to tell them then, but my nephews and nieces were around every moment. I just told them the boys were with their Dad and doing something else today (yesterday). I could tell they wanted to say something but didn't.
Finally, the guys went out on the boat and took all the kids with them (except, of course, for the baby and my 4-year-old niece), so I told my sisters the whole entire sitch. They were a little shocked at first. Then they told me what they thought. They were upset and a bit angry, but they kept their cool.
My sister "P" told me, "It's your life, JV. Whatever you want, that's what we want for you, too. BUT DO NOT let H think that he can come back that easily if and when he wants to. He's a grown a** man, and he needs to act like one. All these responsibilities he has weren't just dumped into his lap one day. This is life. This is marriage. He has a W who stays home all day, everyday, to take care of his children, and they are wonderful children. He has a W who cleans for him, cooks for him, does his laundry, makes sure all his bills are paid on time, and is ALWAYS home for him. He has no idea how good he's got it! Let him stay home with the kids and do everything you do day after day after day while you go out to work. Let him do what you do and see what he thinks about it. See how much he likes it when you're gone all the time and tell him YOU deserve to go out because you're the breadwinner, and he can love it or leave it. If he didn't want kids, then he didn't need to be all up in you ( ), did he?! He didn't need to talk to you about having a 2nd and a 3rd kid, did he?! He's a grown a** man, JV. Leave his a** out there so he can know what life is really like without you and the boys." P also said to call her up anytime if I needed a sitter or just wanted to get together to go out (she is M, too).
My sister "J" told me pretty much the same thing. She said that she is there for me anytime. J also told me, "DO NOT let him make you feel like you did this, JV! Don't you dare blame yourself for this! You deserve better than this. He screwed up, and yes, I'm sure you had some fault in the breakdown, too, but you did not ruin his life for him. He has control over what goes on in his life, not you, so if he feels it's ruined, then he has no one to blame but himself. Don't let him put it all on you and make you feel like s**t. You don't deserve that!"
My mom was right there, too, and told my sisters that she was getting angry with me for putting up with all this, but she's been biting her tongue because she knew I was trying to make things work. She also said that I should just end it and get the D going now. My sisters nodded in agreement, but I said, "You know, I told myself a long time ago that if my H ever cheated on me, then that was it. His a** was out.....but when it really happened, I couldn't go through with it. I started thinking about everything I have built in my life with H, and I did not want to just throw it all away, and neither did he. It's been one very rough ride.....but we have gotten along so much better. Before, I use to get really angry with him, and when we'd argue, it usually was a yelling match and we were always pointing fingers. It's not like that anymore. We talk. We CALMLY talk to each other even if we're still in disagreement. H is more caring now, too, and he's not shutting me out anymore either. He's talking to me about how he feels like he used to.......right now, I do see some good changes in the both of us, but there's still a lot that's just not right......I also told myself and H that the very moment he walked out that door, then that also was it. He'd better go and file for a D because there was NO WAY I was going to let him come back after not knowing what he had been up to while he was gone.....but again, I'm not so sure that that's what I really want now. I don't know. I feel like I'm on the fence, and I could go either way."
Then J said to me, "Then just give each other a lot of space right now. Use this time for YOU, JV. Build that self-esteem of yours back up. Call me and P up, we'll get (J's H) and (P's H) to watch all the kids, and you know they will, then you, me, and P will all go out for the night. We'll call T (my other sister) ahead of time so she can come, too. We'll have a girls' night out or we'll have a spa day like we did before. But most importantly, you've got to get back what H took away from you -- your self-esteem. Do what you've been wanting to do. Go back to school, learn something new that you would enjoy doing as a career or just as a hobby, go out and pamper yourself -- but not without us -- and you know what else? Put those kids on H more. Tell him you've got plans and things to do, so he has to watch them. They ARE his kids, too, and he needs to get a taste of what it is you do everyday with them so he CAN appreciate you more and stop taking you for granted. Let's make plans to go away for a weekend, just us girls, and give him plenty of notice so he can watch them. You don't have to tell him where you're going or what you're doing. Just tell him you need a break for a weekend. Show him that you're not going to sit around and wait for him any longer, ok? If he really wants to work things out like he says he does, then it shouldn't be a problem."
J also said, "I don't think he takes you seriously enough at all either......I think you should write out a list of what he needs to do to show you that he really wants to be with you, and then give it to him. He needs to get some C, JV. You know it, and he knows it. Tell him to go to C, find a job closer to home or let him do the poker thing as long as $5K is all that's going to be risked, and tell him there needs to be at least 2 days a week that are dedicated to just the family. The family is important, JV. You and the boys are important. You're not just responsibilities, and if he can't realize any of that, then he doesn't deserve you guys."
Whew ....is this long enough yet ?
The other half of the day was just as fun. We went back to J's house and bbq'ed then did fireworks just after dark. Then everyone started packing up and heading out around 10:30pm. My sisters hugged me and told me to call them anytime for anything. Then I was on my way home (45 minute drive). When I got into my truck, I noticed there were 5 missed calls for the day on my cell... .
I'll continue my journaling in a bit. MIL is here to pick up S9 and S5 to visit with her for awhile.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
. We went to Folsom Lake for the first half of the day, and geez -- it was so hot out there 
! Luckily my sister went out and bought one of those pop-up canopies for shade, and there was also a gentle breeze from time to time 
.
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