Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hey there, Kim and cally. As always, thank you for EVERYTHING .

I was just reading my copy of DR again -- mainly the section regarding the LRT -- and that does seem to be what's going on here.....in a way .

H has been so very clingy today. He's been extremely difficult to "fight off". This morning when he came to pick up S9 and S5, he was hugging me, he gave me a few kisses, he was holding my hand in the truck on the way back from dropping off his car, and he said ILY several times. I know I'm not supposed to say ILY according to the LRT, but I did only twice out of the 7 or 8 times H said it today (possibly more), and I said it the way a dear friend would say it. I don't think it was wrong to do because H was obviously looking for some kind of comfort from me, and he wanted it in an ILY2. As long as H initiates it and I don't go overboard, then I think it's alright.

Well, that time of the month came today , so I was feeling really cruddy. H called about 2pm and asked if I was ready to go do something for myself. I told H I wasn't feeling too good so I was just going to stay home, and I thanked him again for offering to stay with the kids. H said no problem. H said he would hold onto S9 and S5 for a few more hours so I could try to rest. I told H thanks, I really appreciated it.

I called my mom back a couple of hours after I talked to her to let her know that the baby and I would be going to my sister's tomorrow. She was very pleased to hear it. I also asked her if I could still take the baby over to them for tonight so I could try to relax, and she said sure.

I had to call H to find out what time he was bringing the boys back. I told him I was taking the baby to my parents' house for the night, and I didn't want him to show up at the house and wonder where I was at if they just happened to miss me. H said, "I'll bring them back whenever you want. Why's (baby) going to your parents' tonight?" I told him, "Because I'm tired and not feeling too well (cramps -- the Motrin hadn't kicked in yet), and I'm going to my sister's with them tomorrow. This will be easier for me in the morning in case he happens to fuss when I'm trying to take a shower."

Then H said, "I wanted for us to be together tomorrow. You don't want to?" I said, "H, I'm going to my sister's, ok? I think it'll be best for the both of us." H was silent for awhile then said ok.

They got here about 30 minutes later. The boys told me about how much fun they had swimming with Dad, (mf), and (mf)'s nephew and niece, and H greeted me with another kiss.

I'm unsure about how to handle all the hugs and kisses from H now that he's out. Do I accept some and not others? Or do I accept all or none? Hmmm.....I really don't know. I know that one of his LLs is PT. He loves to touch and be touched. That's why there's constant hugs, kisses, and many other things from him. So if we are S now, where do I draw the line without it making H think that I'm shutting him out? I know my H, and if I completely stop all the ILYs and accepting his advances for closeness, he WILL begin to believe that I don't love him.....and I know that I don't want him to feel that way.

So....I was getting ready to take the baby to my parents' house. I thought the boys would be coming with me because I figured H was going to leave, but he didn't....(???)....H started watching TV and sat at the computer to play poker online....(?????)....I'm thinking, "Ummm....ok....(???)....Shouldn't he leave now???" So I said, "I'm going now.....Are you going to be here for a little longer?" H said, "Yeah, if you don't mind. (mf)'s only got one TV, and I'd like to watch something else here for awhile and play some poker online. Is that ok?" I thought for a moment and said alright, and I would be back in about 30 or 40 minutes.

As I'm driving to and from my parents', I was hoping that this wasn't going to become some kind of habit from H. I don't want him to just hang around here when he feels like he's missing home or us or he doesn't want to watch what (mf)'s watching, so then he comes over here and then decides to leave when he's ready to.

When I got back, H was in a good mood and very relaxed. He was winning $$$ and watching some program. I was putting my purse down, and H came into the kitchen to put away his dirty dishes and gave me another hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Shortly after, I was putting some things away in the pantry and H came over to grab a snack and said, "JV, what if this was it? What if these past 2 nights was all I needed to know and understand that I do want to be here?".....I'm thinking here.....I told H, "2 nights, H?! Do you really think it's going to be all that different after only 2 nights?" H said, "I don't know, but I really feel like I want to be home." I told H, "I don't know either, but I really believe we both need this space, H." Then we went back into the living room.

About 30 minutes later, H took me into the bedroom to talk. Just more about how he wants to come home, but he feels like he should stick this out, but he really wants to be home....(sigh)....this is so draining . H also told me he wants to call and talk to me all the time because he feels like he can talk to me now . I told him I was happy to hear that, and yes, he can talk to me whenever he feels he needs to.

Then H said, "I want to be able to talk to you and see you everyday, JV."....Thinking....and maybe I was wrong, but I said to H, "I really think we need this space. I think we need to limit our contact with each other except for where the kids are concerned." I also told H my thoughts of him hanging around when he doesn't have anywhere else to be and then leaving when HE was ready. H said, "I'm sorry. It just feels really good to be here with you guys. I hate sleeping on the floor in the spare room at (mf)'s. It's so uncomfortable, and it's his place. He watches what he wants." I asked H if he was really sleeping on the floor, and he said it was actually 2 twin mattresses pushed together on the floor, but yes, it was uncomfortable. I suggested he take our air mattress from the closet with him, but he said it was alright.

It was getting late, so I gathered some things for S9 and S5 to take with them because they were going with H for the night and will be spending tomorrow with him as well. I gave H some pillows and blankets for the kids and told him to keep them. H looked at me and said thanks. He also took some older pieces of kitchen cookware and utensils -- H said (mf) doesn't have a whole lot of extra stuff.

After we got everything together, I walked them all outside, and gave S9 and S5 kisses goodbye.... wow...the first time sending them off to go to Dad's place ....I got a little teary-eyed, but I was alright. I mean geez, JV, they're only going to be 5 minutes away !

H asked if I was ok, and I said yes. He also asked me if I wanted to go over and just hang out for awhile, and I said no thank you. Then he asked me what I was going to be doing tonight, and I just knew what he was thinking and afraid of. H was thinking that since I wouldn't have the kids, I would probably go out tonight. Hah! No chance. I was too tired and hadn't even thought about doing it. I told H that I was going to be home tonight so for him to just relax. Oh -- and he also tried talking me into spending tomorrow with him again, but I told him I was going to my sister's again.

Then he gave me another hug, started crying some and said, "Please don't go out and replace me in a week!" I said, "H, that is the FURTHEST thing from my mind......and I would like to think it was the same for you." H asked if he could have a nice kiss goodbye, and I gave him one. As I walked back into the house, H said ILY, and I just nodded my head "yes" again.

Not even an hour later, the phone rings. I shouldn't have answered but I did. It was H, and he was asking what I was doing. I was just relaxing and watching some TV. H told me he gave the boys a bath and just put them to bed. He said he was going to wash their swim trunks and towels from earlier then probably watch a movie with (mf) who was also going to spend tomorrow with them. I told H that sounded nice. H said, "Alright, I'm gonna go. I'll call you later...or maybe since the boys are here, I'll just hug them for comfort tonight....ILY, JV. Bye." I said bye then we hung up.

OMG! I've actually fallen asleep a few times while sitting here LOL!!! I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP NOW!!!

Good night all. Thanks for listening and have a happy 4th !

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."