Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

In response to the last two posts on my previous thread:

Thank you, cally and D. I'm very grateful for your continued support.

I do plan on detaching and limiting all contact with H during this time. I will only attempt to reach him where the kids are concerned. I think this is going to be extremely difficult because I have a feeling H will call a lot just to talk. I feel like he's going to bombard me with calls asking what I'm doing and what I've been up to, and I'm afraid if I don't answer the phone everytime he calls (he also asked me to keep my cell on me at all times so he can always reach me), then we're going to head back into "negative pursuit".

I know I deserve to be treated better, and I hope somewhere during this time apart, H will realize that and want to be the one to treat me better. The way he has said he wants to so many times.

I want to start moving on with my life now. I have mixed feelings about this thought. I want to do it because I know I have to do it for ME and for my boys. Then OTOH, I start thinking, "Well....what if I am a whole lot happier after this? And what if H thinks, 'She really IS happier without me...I guess she doesn't need me to be happy...I was right. JV IS better off without me."

I don't know. I guess the thought of not being with my H ever again is scaring me......I'll get through this. I just have to.

My mom called earlier this morning. She asked if H and I were still going to take the boys to the beach. I told her I didn't think so, and I told her H left last night. She was quiet for a moment and said ok. She asked if I was alright. I said yes. Then she said that this could be for the best. She asked if this was a S, and I said, "Well, I know that's what H would like. I know he doesn't want a D just yet." My mom said, "Yeah, I know he doesn't.....I think you should just get it over with. Don't give him what he wants." I didn't say anything because I really didn't agree with her on that -- about just getting it over with. I am very much on the fence myself. 5 months ago, I most likely would've agreed.

Anyhow, my mom told me that she and my stepdad were there anytime if I needed them. I thanked her for that.

Then she called about 10 minutes later to see if the boys and I wanted to go to my sister's house for the 4th. I thought for a moment and said, "Definitely the baby and me, yes. Let me talk to H when he gets here for the boys. I don't know what his plans are for tomorrow, and he might like to have S9 and S5 with him. I'll let you know."

Then the phone rang again and it was H. He wanted to know how I was and I told him I was fine. H said, "I wanted to call and talk to you last night,.....but I figured if you wanted to talk to me, you'd call me.....(he started crying a little).....This is so hard." I said, "Yes it is, but it's what needs to happen."

H calmed down and asked me if I was going to do anything today. I told him, "Well...you said you were going to watch the kids so I could do something." H said he knew. He was just wondering if I had made plans. I haven't yet, but I didn't want to tell him that, so I changed the subject and said, "Didn't you say you wanted to take the boys swimming first?" H said yes, and he would be here at 11am to get them. I told him ok, I'd see him then. Then we said goodbye.

Wellll.....tomorrow I break the news to the rest of my family. I know I have to and it's time. They're OBVIOUSLY going to ask, "Where's H?".....I can't make up anymore excuses for him. I just don't know if I'm going to like what I hear. Especially from my sisters.

H has to tell his family. I'm not. That's his responsibility, and I hope he lets them know soon so they don't find out any other way.

I haven't said a word to the boys yet either. H asked me not to. He said he would like to talk to them when he has them today.

Ok, I'd better get going. Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."