Thanks for the suggestion.. I'll pick up a copy of the book. It's actually a part of our MC plan, but we haven't discussed it yet. We both did a worksheet to list things we'd appreciate the other doing for us, but he hasn't paid much attention to mine. I've felt like I'm making all the effort and he's just giving it lip service. Fortunately, things were better over the weekend. When I went home Friday he thanked me for pointing out that he's been sitting back waiting for things to get better and then he's going to make more of an effort. I can tell that he really does love me and want to work this out.. that's obvious.. and it's the trust issue that getting in the way now too. He's lied so much in the past, how can I trust the words without the actions to back them up?
I guess it's just a vicious cycle. I'm angry at him because we're even in this place to begin with. I thought we had a great marriage and a happy family and then it just all fell apart over the course of a year. Then, he's trying to deal with his depression and he says that he feels like a different person inside now and he is so happy to be better. He said if I could look into his heart and see the difference, I'd understand where he was (a deep dark hole where he wanted to destroy everything and push everyone away), and where he is now.. he said he's finally able to connect with his feelings. I don't know a lot about depression. Only what I've read and our Dr. has told me. It's hard for me to imagine not feeling anything, or just feeling negative emotions, and not being able to make good decisions because you're confused all the time. He keeps saying that I saved his life by getting him to the Dr. and being here for him. I know he was a very sick man...he rejected me, the kids, all of our friends, basically everyone but OW. It is very hard to connect the rejection and pain I feel to an illness. He said that the minute he started feeling better after taking medication that he ran back to us and stopped lying and cheating, and that's true.. I guess I'm just so afraid of being naive and accepting his depression as an explanation for some of the things he did. He says he doesn't blame the depression, but he also doesn't have another explanation for why he did what he did.
So we have went from him pushing me away, to me pushing him away in a sense, as far as having doubts about our marriage. I'm trying so hard to look forward, but the fear is incredible. I am so afraid that I'm going to put my heart back out there and a few years from now he'll be looking at me saying he doesnt love me again! I have forgiven him in the sense that I don't feel like making them "pay" for hurting me, but honestly, I still feel sad about it. I can't stand to have her in our bed when we ML, but she's there of course.. rolling around my mind like a demon! I forgive him, but that doesn't mean that I can be with someone who would hurt me the way he has. I want to work this out, but I feel traumatized by what I've been through. I can work my butt off on our marriage, but the truth is, if I can't trust him again, it won't ever work between us. I was SO secure in our marriage and in his love for me before this happened. I thought he felt the same way.. to find out that he hadn't felt love for me in at least a year was devastating. I know there are a lot of people on the bb who are going through the exact same thing. I want to get to the place (and stay there!), where I make up my mind and stop letting the emotions overwhelm me.
I'll get that book after work, and hopefully we can do it together. We're going to visit family so we'll have a few days away to relax anyway.
