Me: 37 H: 40 Married: 17 years, 4 kids H moved out of our house at my request in Mar (I didn't realize that he was suffering from clinical depression and he became hateful, financially irresponsible, we almost lost everything in the year before I asked him to move out), he ended up having a one night stand with a co-worker and an EA with her for two months. He moved back home at one point, but moved out again when I insisted that he stop talking to OW. Hes' been back home now 7 weeks and we are in counseling. Things are getting better but I am having a very rough time being patient, waiting for him to make the changes he needs to make for our M. I feel like I'm the only one trying. He is also working with OW still and that is very hard for me. I've been trying to take care of myself, give him some space and focus on the positive progress, but it's hard. He is on anti-depressents and I've seen a MAJOR improvement. He's kind and loving now which is a major improvement from the man who looked me in the eye two months ago and said he didn't love me or want to be with me anymore. I thought I would join this board so that I can journal and track our progress and connect with all ya'll who are in the same sitch. I have learned so much just by reading your experiences already - it's given me hope that if I can change myself in positive ways, I'll come out stronger and hopefully our marriage will too!
I have an especially difficult time Mon-Weds when he works with OW. Is anyone else in the same situation? I try to pretend like she doesn't exist, but when I pick him up from work on Mons for MC and see her, it kills me to think of them there together all day (although he swears he isn't having anything to do with her). I'm thinking of asking him to drive to MC separately because I can't stand to see her. It would also save me an hour of leave. I hate to do that because we have been going out to eat before C and it's nice to have time alone, but I'm thinking the effect of seeing her isn't worth it. Either that, or I could pick him up 10 mins late to avoid seeing her walk across the parking lot. Any suggestions?
Other than that - how much is too much to give? I've been knocking myself out to make this work.. loving on him, initiating ML, leaving notes in his lunchbox, ironing his clothes, planning dates, giving him backrubs when he's down, etc. I love to do that stuff for him, and he always appreciates it, but when he doesn't return it at all, it makes me feel unloved. I've had a rough couple of days and I thought that H might try to snuggle with me last night and hold me because he keeps saying he wants to be here for me and take care of me, but he didn't. After I told him how it makes me feel when he doesn't try to comfort me, he wrote a long letter about how he feels and will do better and left it on the table. He says so many nice things, but I get frustrated that his actions don't match what he says to me. He says he loves, adores and needs me, but he is so selfish with "doing" anything at all for me. Should I back off so much on trying to show him how much I love him and wait for him to make a little effort too? I know he doesn't feel smothered by me.. he just likes to get and not give in return. It's almost like he expects me to take care of him like he's my child.
Thanks for listening and thanks for all the good advice you guys have in your posts!
