Thanks you all, I so appreciate your support. dfb and Desdamona, I hear what you are saying, and what Ellie has said. I agree he needs to get help, but he refuses to do it voluntarily. I know that an emotional upswing after a suicide threat can be a very very bad thing....and it worries me to. I've thought of what options I might have. they seem limited as well. IF (god I hope not) he does something like that again, I can call 911 -- although he would deny it when they got there. the criteria for "formal" action being taken is "dangerous to self or others"...I'm not sure the court would even believe me if I were to try to get an outpatient commitment for treatment...he would deny it, it would be "his word against mine". I could leave...but am not sure where I would go other than the dv shelter, and I'm not sure they would take someone (me) on the grounds that I'm worried....and also S is at an age where they will not take him in the shelter. That would SEEM to be over reacting at the moment. I can tell him "or else" about therapy...but that's positively guaranteed to cause him to be more determined to show me who is the boss of his life...it is very much an issue of perceived control with him.
I did talk to the Dr today about AD's for him, she has no hesitancy about prescribing them...he just refuses to take them, says they make him feel to "numb/shut down"; he took them for a year just before the A (threw them out when it started, talk about self-medicating)...
I really am not able to see any other options besides what I've listed above. Some of those would be a possiblity, I guess I'm not yet convinced the sitch calls for it YET.
Desdamonda, you asked why he's so resistant to therapy...I think it's because he has such a huge sense of failure and shame and embarrasement. a failure as a person, but especially as a therapist himself...I really think he believes it would mean he has failed professionally.....
D and I and MIL have told him he needs to get some help....so he has certainlly heard it.
I also agree with you dfb that he needs to GAL himself. he has been a hermit literally for years. Now some people are introverts and prefer to be with themselves, which is ok, and I know to some extent H does enjoy time alone, but for years I've felt he's isolated himself increasingly, which can be a hallmark of depression. I have suggested doing things, and he absolutely flat out refuses. Has for years. That's when I decided "what the hell, if he wants to sit here and vegetate he can, I'm going to have a life" and went and did it and then he felt deserted and neglected and.... It's kind of telling though that he said night before last that ow complained all the time that he never took her anyway/wanted to do anything. I guess he must of just "holed up" at her place like he did at home for years. I am hoping that maybe he is making the teeniest hint of progress though in the canoe trip and getting together w/former coworker this weekend.
Last night I woke up feeling very despondent myself in the night. I thought H was awake and asked him to hold me...turns out he was asleep, sleeping well for the first time in a long time, and I woke him up. There was a difference this time though, instead of the 'get your hands off me" response, he was kind and tender, and talked with me for a long time, very reassuringly. He maintains that "the blinders came off" (his words) and that he cant see why he would want someone like her, that he sees the manipulation, etc, and that the emotional pain has died down hugely...(I agree with you, dfb, about hate and love being closely related)...he pointed out that for the last week he hasnt been sick to his stomach, etc., like he has been for the past several years. I hadnt thought of it, but that is right, the change in the past week has been huge. I suppose that could also be related to the suicide issue, unfortunately.
He did say that she put the stupid zodiac stuff back in his mailbox and emailed him not to contact him if he couldnt play nice; that she passed him in the hall bawling and went into the bathroom...that before he'd have checked to see if she was ok, this time he did nothing because he didnt care; that she has some "personal items" of his that mean a lot to him that he wants back, and that she says she's lost them and it po's him...
I told him I am absolutely convinced that all those things are her way of trying to manipulate him back...he said I'm probably right, that I am right on target about such things.
I'm really tired today, as we were awake a lot in the night. I still think, though I know a lot of folks don't agree, that the talking is a good thing, that it helps both of us to process what has/is happening. for what it's worth.
I'm kind of anxious to see what this evening brings. it's almost like a new level of disengagement is close.
I do wish I could get him to talk to a T...at least he is not resistant to talking with the friend/former co-worker.
Thanks you all, I so appreciate your support. dfb and Desdamona, I hear what you are saying, and what Ellie has said. I agree he needs to get help, but he refuses to do it voluntarily. I know that an emotional upswing after a suicide threat can be a very very bad thing....and it worries me to. I've thought of what options I might have. they seem limited as well. IF (god I hope not) he does something like that again, I can call 911 -- although he would deny it when they got there. the criteria for "formal" action being taken is "dangerous to self or others"...I'm not sure the court would even believe me if I were to try to get an outpatient commitment for treatment...he would deny it, it would be "his word against mine". I could leave...but am not sure where I would go other than the dv shelter, and I'm not sure they would take someone (me) on the grounds that I'm worried....and also S is at an age where they will not take him in the shelter. That would SEEM to be over reacting at the moment. I can tell him "or else" about therapy...but that's positively guaranteed to cause him to be more determined to show me who is the boss of his life...it is very much an issue of perceived control with him.
I did talk to the Dr today about AD's for him, she has no hesitancy about prescribing them...he just refuses to take them, says they make him feel to "numb/shut down"; he took them for a year just before the A (threw them out when it started, talk about self-medicating)...
I really am not able to see any other options besides what I've listed above. Some of those would be a possiblity, I guess I'm not yet convinced the sitch calls for it YET.
Desdamonda, you asked why he's so resistant to therapy...I think it's because he has such a huge sense of failure and shame and embarrasement. a failure as a person, but especially as a therapist himself...I really think he believes it would mean he has failed professionally.....
D and I and MIL have told him he needs to get some help....so he has certainlly heard it.
I also agree with you dfb that he needs to GAL himself. he has been a hermit literally for years. Now some people are introverts and prefer to be with themselves, which is ok, and I know to some extent H does enjoy time alone, but for years I've felt he's isolated himself increasingly, which can be a hallmark of depression. I have suggested doing things, and he absolutely flat out refuses. Has for years. That's when I decided "what the hell, if he wants to sit here and vegetate he can, I'm going to have a life" and went and did it and then he felt deserted and neglected and.... It's kind of telling though that he said night before last that ow complained all the time that he never took her anyway/wanted to do anything. I guess he must of just "holed up" at her place like he did at home for years. I am hoping that maybe he is making the teeniest hint of progress though in the canoe trip and getting together w/former coworker this weekend.
Last night I woke up feeling very despondent myself in the night. I thought H was awake and asked him to hold me...turns out he was asleep, sleeping well for the first time in a long time, and I woke him up. There was a difference this time though, instead of the 'get your hands off me" response, he was kind and tender, and talked with me for a long time, very reassuringly. He maintains that "the blinders came off" (his words) and that he cant see why he would want someone like her, that he sees the manipulation, etc, and that the emotional pain has died down hugely...(I agree with you, dfb, about hate and love being closely related)...he pointed out that for the last week he hasnt been sick to his stomach, etc., like he has been for the past several years. I hadnt thought of it, but that is right, the change in the past week has been huge. I suppose that could also be related to the suicide issue, unfortunately.
He did say that she put the stupid zodiac stuff back in his mailbox and emailed him not to contact him if he couldnt play nice; that she passed him in the hall bawling and went into the bathroom...that before he'd have checked to see if she was ok, this time he did nothing because he didnt care; that she has some "personal items" of his that mean a lot to him that he wants back, and that she says she's lost them and it po's him...
I told him I am absolutely convinced that all those things are her way of trying to manipulate him back...he said I'm probably right, that I am right on target about such things.
I'm really tired today, as we were awake a lot in the night. I still think, though I know a lot of folks don't agree, that the talking is a good thing, that it helps both of us to process what has/is happening. for what it's worth.
I'm kind of anxious to see what this evening brings. it's almost like a new level of disengagement is close.
I do wish I could get him to talk to a T...at least he is not resistant to talking with the friend/former co-worker.
I thought most therapists were in therapy. To help them process all the negativity that they hear every day. How odd. I know my friend goes off on seminares etc and continues to work on being self actualized. It sounds like your husband is prideful.
I am not sure about the talking. I think I would have loves my husband to just talk truthfully with me like that. Only you know what will work for the two of you.
I understand how difficult it is to deal with someone who refuses to address their "stuff" I am not sure about your husband, but in my husband's case, I think therapy would be about changing and he doesn't see a need to change anything. He intends to continue taking prescription drugs, smoking and keeping secrets.
Sounds like you are doing great handling everything. desdamona
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
