Everyone's giving you great advice -- kml in particular! I'm out of my league here so I won't offer much...I guess the only thing I'd say is getting h professional help will be a far quicker path than trying to do assessments, etc, yourself.
Isn't h a therapist or a doctor of some kind?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Her H is a counselor (sorry Deb, not sure of his actual qualifications - LiSW, PhD, etc...), which may be making it harder for him to seek help. Sometimes when you are the one with "all the answers" it is really hard to admit that you are weak and hurting and need help.
I know I haven't been on here in a long time, but I wanted to stop in and offer some hugs.
Wow. I haven't read your whole thread...but I distinctly remember my H going through that phase. Unfortunately, I was not living with him at the time. All I can do is offer some hugs...and let you know that we did make it through that.
thanks, you all, for all of your support. I don't know what I would do without it. I have just a few minutes before a meeting but will try to update a little.
I think that H is ok. I know that becoming cheerful after a suicide gesture/threat can be a bad sign, but I believe he is ok. I have however taken some steps to help ensure that: FIL came over and borrowed his shotgun and the shells on the guise of needing it to keep some rabbits out of his garden, so he does not have immediate access to that. he and FIL and S and 2 nephews are going canoeing in 2 weeks, so he is making plans for the future. I found the Ambian and flushed it...I can get more if I need it. I still've not found that pain pills, and that concerns me a little, and I don't know where H keeps a pistol that I think he has, although he may have gotten rid of it some time ago, I cant remember, but I will look some more this evening while he is at work. He still is not at all open to seeing a therapist, I guess that is something I will have to struggle with, BUT he is going to workout with his good friend/former coworker who is also a therapist this weekend, so I think that is a step in the right direction. I have an appt. myself to discuss AD's for him with the dr. tomorrow....he also is adamant that he doesnt want them.
Between us, I think also things are getting back on track, with a weird twist. H is very sweet and loving again, actually calls me "honey" has apologized over and over (5 times last night in bed) for the pain he caused, keeps telling me that even if ow suddenly decides she wants him back, he doesnt want her back, is talking and talking about the A/their R....even said the words "this affair" last night when we were discussing some science fiction... Talks about how he hates ow--not necessarily good, I know....is back to ml and being happy about it, is telling me we will be great....
So here's the weird part, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it/think of it. it seems so out of character for h...he is "clingy"....incredibly clingy. He will hardly let me out of his sight, and he asks me to hold him numerous times in the night. He told me that he needed me to be with him right now, and asked me to please not be gone long when I went to the store last weekend. I wound up being gone a lot longer than I expected, and he was almost in tears when I got home. and told me I was gone too long, not in a demanding way, but in a frightened, pleading way. Sunday I was working in the garden, and he wandered in and out several times, not really saying much. I went in later, and he was looking at family photo albums. later he said how much we've accomplished as a couple...how cute the kids were as babies, etc. Later that evening, he told me he had been lonely that day....
He has told me he no longer will accept phone calls/emails from ow even at work, Lord I hope....
He is talking and talking about the A/R/OW's lack of character....I've finally started back reading Not Just Friends, and find it helpful now, and that it talks about the need to talk as part of the healing process.
Another weird aside though, H is SOOOOOO furious at ow....I remember Snodderly saying you could sit back and watch the little kids appear, and I have such a strong sense of doing just that. I was thinking this is like a high-school lovers spat....H is still not through it, obviously.
I was goofing around and copied off some descriptions of Zodiac signs/personalities. mine, his, ow's. I just thought it was interesting. ow's was not complimentary at all....H took it seriously....says it's a precise personality profile of her (?????) wrote some kind of taunting messages on it, and put it in her mail box here at work. WTF?????
Friday when I got home from work at lunch time, H was not there...I myself started to become anxious, partly because I'd been looking forward to seeing him, partly from worry about him. I figured he'd gone for a walk,would be home soon, and went to our bedroom, changed clothes, and laid on the bed to veg out and read to calm myself. About 45 minutes later, he came into the room...HE was upset because my car was in the drive but he couldnt find me.
He doesnt want to be left alone right now. I don't know if he's afraid he will hurt himself, call ow, or just....lonely. but he's like a little kid in that regard.
he mentioned the importance of married couples spending time together in one of our many discussion over the last few days, and said "All the marriage enrichment information you read talks about the importance of that"...I found it interesting to know he's reading that stuff....not too long ago, he would not have considered it under any circumstances.
i am surprised by his disgust with ow.
he did comment last night that ow always thought I was incredibly intelligent, , that she'd said that every time she saw me I was reading a book. I thought that was funny, because I'd always take a book with me and read while I waited for S at religion class last year, where she'd pick up her D....seemed like a sensible thing to do....and she was always so "removed" from the situation, but obviously she WAS watching me, lots of moves i made, if not most of them!
H said he even told her that her marriage probably could have been saved if she hadnt bailed out so soon, that she should have tried harder/longer. and that really infuriated her.
and so, I keep on keeping on. I hope and pray this really is the light at the end of the tunnel, and that it's the sun coming through the clouds, not a freight train.
Hey Deb, I'm no expert, but it seems like things are definately going your way. Continue to be his rock and guide. I think he is feeling remorse for what he has done, the mess he was in and is trying his hardest to reconnect with you. It appears he is quite aware of how important you are to him and how critical your relationship is to his mental and physical health. I would say continue on with what you are doing and build a great relationship.
So far I am not to where you are yet, but I know I will soon enough. It sounds like you have some good support from your families and friends. Hang in there, your are doing it, feel proud of what you are accomplishing.
Deb, it does sound good. As for him being angry with OW, he is not over her yet. But it may not be happy feelings - it sounds like he has anger towards her and is blaming her for some of the guilt he feels? At least to me, it sounds like he is trying to get her back and justify it by calling her a bad person.
Just keep on, you are a success and you should be proud.
Your H threatened to kill himself last week, and may still be thinking about it now. He needs help, really. He swings back and forth, and he will head back into the not-so-loving again.
He still has a thing for OW, he still talks about her often and hate is close to love. You aren't out of the clear with her until he becomes indifferent.
He needs therapy in a very bad way. He also needs friends if he doesn't have them. HE needs to get a life, because he can't be clinging to you all the time. He should get with a mens group so that he has someone to talk to, to hang with, etc. Maybe sometimes the spouses end up with someone else because they don't have enough of a life to begin with.
Your husband needs professional help. I am not sure what influence you have with him, but I think it is imperitive. I agree that he is very unstable emotionally, his emotions way out proportion. The clingyness is very disconcerting. The emotional labileness is the very worrisome. Suicidal people sometimes take other people with them. And NO spouse thinks it is going to happen (of they would have sought help earlier). Why is your husband NOT wanting to get professional help? Does he want to keep feeling like he is feeling?
I am very worried about you. A temporary lift in mood is when bad things happen.
desdamona
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
, that she'd said that every time she saw me I was reading a book. I thought that was funny, because I'd always take a book with me and read while I waited for S at religion class last year, where she'd pick up her D....seemed like a sensible thing to do....and she was always so "removed" from the situation, but obviously she WAS watching me, lots of moves i made, if not most of them!