Sorry this is so long...but feel like I need to get it down here, for lots of reasons.
H & I discussed many things last night in his tormented state. H talked about what a horrible history monster has and that he always knew it would come to this, but what was wrong with him that he hadnt been able to extricate himself? I had no answers, could only listen and validate. H said that he cant understand how he is so flawed that he could be so drawn in and deceived...I believe this is a big source of his hurt...self-loathing as the priest said. I told him that I've come to believe that there truely is a devil and that he works in hard to detect ways....using appealing things/people and blinding us to the truth being some of them. H listened, and seemed to be considering this very carefully. H said what a fool he had been to take monster to our vacation spot, because now she had stolen our vacation with all the memories.
I actually read some bible verses to him, this is a first for us....then H seemed to cheer up, said "That's enough bibling" and intiated ml (???????). so all over the place. Neither of us slept much at all, I think I slept a lot more than he did. I kept looking at his tormented and tortured face and recalling Snodderly's words that he had not yet hit bottom but that I would know it when he did, and thinking "this has got to be the bottom".
This morning before he left for work, he said that he is hoping they will fire ow, that he knows her supervisor is still documenting and writing her up, that before they didnt have enough on her, and he believes they are trying to make sure they "do it right" this time. That he feels sorry for the poor sucker she's picked up now. That her xbf knew exactly what he was doing in getting rid of her...that she reminds him so much of his xgf, the one who broke his heart before I met him, that he even called her "mary" (xgf's) name...which po'd monster to no end. that he wondered why he chose to recreate that doomed relationship...all I could say was it had to be some unfinished business...he said he always knew this was how it would end with xgf also, so maybe he had to prove it to himself. I commented that he had NEVER called me the X's name, ever. He said a lot more, it's kind of outside of my memory right now. Just before he left for work, he said "I promise we are going to be great together"....
I got two emails from him this morning, I will copy them here for reference, anything anyone draws from them I'm really interested in hearing.
1st one, at about 9:40 -- "How are you doing? Thanks for helping me out last evening. I don’t have emotional melt downs too often, just seemed like everything converged on me at once. Don’t worry, we will be awesome. I think monster getting another boyfriend really makes the situation final and in many ways is helpful, I don’t have to wonder is it really over or not, I know it is. Also, she is not going to spend her time stirring me up as she has bigger fish to fry and I can finally heal emotionally. Thanks for your patience and support. Well, I need to get back to work. Later,
I responded that I loved him and wanted to help however I could, that I hate to seem him suffering so, regardless of what the our sitch is, and got this about 11...the tone seems less...formal? "Thanks for the e-mail. That helped a lot. Just knowing you care that you really love me. I guess that is what seems so confusing at times. I thought that monster loved me, yet I see so clearly she doesn’t and didn’t and I just can’t believe I was so blind, dumb, naïve. I do see how much you love me and it is humbling, thank you so much!! Yes, she like many borderlines maintains control through chaos. I honestly feel sorry for her next unsuspecting victim, my prediction is 6 months!! I really feel so sorry for K, I’m afraid she is a lost child. She will be pregnant by 9th grade if not sooner. I can just see it so clear, yet nothing a person can do. I know, I prayed on vacation for a sign from God regarding Monster. At the time I was thinking that the one sign it was truly over was if she found someone else and bang she did. It seems God continues to consistently answer our prayers and it’s that we belong together. Could you pray that I maintain a clear view of this situation and that the emotional pain subside? Well, I need to get going. I love you very much! Your D
sigh..............such god awful turmoil.
We have a framed copy of the prayer of St. Francis in the family room. H told me last night that everymorning when he gets up he goes and prays that aloud. Just seems interesting for some reason.
