Hi Ellie and Cupcake and Rotz and YoYo...yes, I know you are all right about not personalizing, detaching, self-fulfilling prophecies...and yes, YoYo, about leading H towards another job...I have encouraged him, even rewrote his resume for him 1 1/2 years ago, he went on one job interview and then let it drop.
That said, I need to journal here about last night, it was incredible, I feel so blown away. incredible in a very very difficult sense. I am so tired I wish I could just crawl under a blanket for the rest of the day. If anybody wants to share any input or suggestions, as always, I'm very interested.
so, to recap (I'm not even sure I can remember it all) H looked like he had been hit by a train when he got home 1/2 hour before S & I were to leave for religion class. Told me the "kids" (his handpicked team members in the out-of-town office) both told him they are planning to relocate to another part of the state within the next year; A former client of his died this past weekend, he hadnt seen her for several years, but she was a long-term alcoholic, only in her late 40's, and it was very very tough on H....anyway, the physician colocated in the out-of-town office had clipped her obituary and put it on H's desk so he found that when he got to work. As he said, it was meant to be thoughtful but it hurt him deeply and reminded him of his sense of failing this woman (she had been to inpt trtment 8X, I don't know what else he could have possibly done)...He was told me all this as he was starting out the door for a walk, and then threw in the comment "plus all the stuff with this other crap". I knew he meant monster, and asked "did that get bad too?" H turned on his heel, came back into the room saying yes, and proceeded to spill the beans. And there were lots of beans to be spilt. so....Evidently she was at the door to greet him when he got to work monday morning, all smiles and perky and happy, saying how nice it was to see him, welcome back from vacation, and she had missed him. gee, am I surprised??????not. Tuesday she was gone for CE. Yesterday afternoon at 4 she called him at the out of town office. All nice and cheerful and happy, although he could tell she was beating around the bush about something. Then she came out with "I wanted to tell you ....I'm dating someone"...well, she is dating a guy from H's teeny tiny hometown....who knows H, was in his younger brothers class...H was absolutely petrified that she will "spill the beans" about them, said he told her he doesnt want her breathing one single word about the two of them, no pictures, doesnt want anything he gave her exposed (ie her trophy boxes). said he told her "that didnt take long!" Of course that was the absolutely wrong approach, don't know why he took it, because she LOVES to do whatever to stir things up. H said she gave a naughty laugh and said "maybe I will and maybe i won't"...H said he wished I'd go slit her throat, I said I've thought of it many times but he'd be mad at me if I did, he said i was right because it would mean prison and it wasnt worth it. H went down the stairs to leave for his walk, turned around, came back up the stairs into the room I was in, said "this guy is the finance manager at the dealership where she bought her new car - what a whore", went down the stairs and out the doors, saw S in the yard, told him he didnt have to worry about her D being in class this year and gave S a thumbs up and walked off.
H was lifting weights when S & I got home, came upstairs, obviously still distraught, said he thought we need to get his new system set up so he'd have more to do (uh, yeah.......). H pulled out a chair, sat down at the table. I pulled out a chair and sat down across from him and just listened; H started talking about monster/her dating the guy from his home town, and how awful it will be if his folks find out and his family (uh huh, folks already know, he just doesnt know they do), and how he just can't believe he didnt mean anymore to her than that, he thought she loved him, and how badly it hurts, and on and on.
I was mystified, I've had a sense that he was not done with her, but if he was saying how much it hurt, what are his expectations? so, I flat out asked "were you expecting to get back together?" and he blew sky high. said "I'm never going to talk to you again about this, you just rub me and stir it all up and make it hurt more. leave. get out of here and leave me alone".
I was so blown away. I started to cry, got up so he wouldnt see me, went and finished loading the dishwasher while H wandered off to watch tv.
I turned on the dishwasher, picked up 2 beers and my house keys, and left the house, walked to a dike with a walking path about 1/2 mile from our house, and just sat to be alone and get some fresh air, think, and cry in private. I was gone about 2 hours. just sat and thought and cried and debated what I should do now, stay and keep trying or just go. I thought I heard H call my name once, but then decided it was just wishful thinking....saw a car leave our cul-de-sac and drive up the main road, but didnt think much about it.
I cried, thought, drank my beer, cried some more, swatted mosquitos, and decided to go home. walked in the door, and was met by H in an absolute tizzy. just nuts. wanted to know where I had been...I told him....then he went off about he NEEDED ME and I LEFT HIM....HE NEEDED ME REALLY BAD and I LEFT HIM. I told him he'd told me to leave and I needed some fresh air. he said he hadnt said that at all????? (yes, he did, it hurt like hell)...He was absolutely wild. Said he'd been out looking for me and didnt find me, didnt know what had happened to me, I told him I hadnt heard him.
We went upstairs, I don't remember what all was being said, but H said he'd just called monster....2x....that he had called her and told her that his wife had left and it was all her fault and that he couldnt find his wife and if she was dead he was going to go down there and kill her....evidently she yelled and cussed at him and hung up....then H, the dumb ass, called her back to apologize for being so mean....said monster answered the phone with her sticky sweet voice saying "HIIIIII!!!!!" (yes, I know the voice, makes you want to puke, I've had the joy of listening to it) then said "oh, I don't want to talk to YOU" and hung up on him....H said "she thought it was that other guy"....
H was absolutely off the wall, I have never seen him like this. Blubbering about how could I leave him when he needed me so much???????
Then he went to the closet, got his shotgun, got it out of the case, put shells in it, saying he was going to end it all because he can't stand the pain anymore. NEVER EVER has he done anything like this.
As I look back I'm surprised that I didnt panic, but I felt a strange sense of calm. "one more move and I call 911" popped into my head, but I didnt say it. I was able to say to him calmly "don't do that, put it down", and I walked to him and pushed the barrel down to the floor and put my arms around him. He collapsed sobbing on my shoulder. I just held him, then I said "promise me you won't do that" and he said "I promise I won't do it tonight, but don't take that away from me, I have to know there is a way to escape the pain."....
This is bad, to put it mildly. I am considering what to do. I have been thinking of going to talk to H's supervisor....but I don't want to over react. H is alluding to future plans, which is a good sign....but I am very very concerned. I have never in all the years I've known him seen him that distraught. I am watching him closely, I will take action if he seems to be becoming any more despondent. it is a horrible thing to contemplate. Thank God S 13 was in bed asleep.
We went to bed, and H begged me to hold him and hold him. I told him I would hold him all night if he wanted. He talked and cried, again about the hurt of knowing she didnt really love him (I don't understand this, but o well) about how he let me down and hates himself for it and is so sorry. about how blind and stupid he was.
crap, gotta get off the computer, back as soon as possible. more to come, unfortunately.
