thought I'd try to update, I'm having a tough time concentrating on anything for some reason. I've had a sore throat since Sunday, and not sleeping well, which makes me a mess. H is not sleeping well either, all of which complicates things
I am hoping that we are getting back on track to where we were before vacation. I am starting to see signs. I pray that I'm right, because H was so tender and loving, I really really loved it, felt like I was getting finally what I had wanted all our M life, and then it all went out the window on vacation, really caught me off guard and scared me and messed up my head!!!
I cant understand, either, what got to him so badly on vacation. He said it was all the memories, but they were only there 4 or 5 days, we've spent months, literally, there over the last 12 years. I can't understand. i know he was disappointed i couldnt hike much at all...I just don't know.
However, since the weekend...lets see. At some point H commented to me, when I was fretting, that "soon it will all be just a distant memory". I said I hoped it would be for him as well, and he said that it will. I think this remark may have been made Monday morning. He also commented "I'm here because I chose to be", along with his afore mentioned comment of "I realized what I was looking for was here all the time".
Monday when he came home from work, he was happy and upbeat, but I thought still seemed kind of distant. He mentioned that he had had an email from "monster" asking what car dealership we use, because she wants to trade vehicles. that got me fired up, I said that she was trying to hang on to him or she wouldnt be emailing about stuff like that. H said that wasnt true, that he'd told her and then she didn't respond. I asked why she was asking about such a thing, and he said because she didnt have much experience; I told him that there were 100 other people she could ask, and he didnt say much. he did say that she will be taking her D to religious ed (which starts tonight) in the little town they live in and not here where S goes to class, so S and I won't have to see her & her D. H said he's suggested that would be better for our S...true...but???????
of course I worry she may sneak up to our house to see H while S & I are gone....she only lives 10 miles away. I still am nuts about all this. I find it hard to detach and let go when things get better between H and I. Anyway, this convo. took place Monday evening, and I was pretty riled up and anxious.
Yesterday morning before work, I let down my tongue biting efforts, and asked him if we were still ok; he said we were, but that I am so "antsy" right now that sometimes he just has to walk away. I told him that vacation just seemed to stir up a lot of stuff for both of us, and that he had seemed so sad and upset it makes it really hard for me to understand and deal with it, and ups my anxiety level.
H replied "I am sad and I need to be" and said that I need to let him be that, and I need to let him enjoy work when he starts to get back into the grove of it....I don't know what he meant by that.
Yesterday I got an email from H that he had found out that "monster" (our name for her now) was gone to a CE event, and that might put my mind at ease, also that he was being shuffled from office to office and might not be able to email much and didnt want me to be anxious about it.
I had maybe four emails from him, and in one of them he did say "ILY" as he used to. That is so comforting.
He got home at about 8:30 last night; held me tenderly with a nice hug and kiss, and said that he loved me so much when he got home. almost back to where we were before....
A former co-worker from the out of town office had called before h got home and asked me to call him. This guy had an affair with Secretary at that office, and now is being sued for sexual harrassement by a person he fired at his new job...the secretary he had the A with is being contacted by the att. in the lawsuit, and evidently the secretary is contacting him again...it sounds like a real mess, this guy took another job and left town to get away from the MESSY A...anyway, H looked at me after he talked with this guy, and said "she's (the secretary) not done yanking him yet, is she?" I looked him in the eye and said "nope, she's obviously not, and I bet K (wife of co-worker) is about ready to pull a Bobbitt on him". H didnt say anything, looked kind of thoughtful.
We talked and chatted for an hour and 1/2... then something kind of weird happened. I picked up a magazine that had a photo of a woman, and commented that I didnt know if it was her make up or what, but I thought her eyes looked cold and hard and mean. H agreed, and picked up a photo in the newspaper and said he thought a woman there also looked that way....I commented that a person I work with had said as much about her...then H said "well some people think you're that way ...I was shocked, said "what are you talking about????" and he said "people have said the business office staff thinks you're mean"....I was really caught off guard...this was all so childish...I asked "who said that" and he said he wasn't going to tell me....I asked who thinks that and he named three people...again I was surprised, I hardly ever see them and have even chit chatted with them from time to time, at flower shops and grocery stores and different places outside of work...so I was kind of blown away. I asked several times who said this, and h wouldn't tell me.
After we went to bed I asked again, and he said "monster said that"...and I got kind of irritated, said it irritated me. H said I should consider the source, that it had been a long time ago, a year ago even, and that he didnt think anything of it. I said it irritated the h--l out of me that she has the nerve to go around saying things like that that I suspect arent even true, and that the business office staff has never conspired to get me fired and "ratted" on me as the have on monster (which is all true) and he was sarcastic in a teasing way, saying "gee, why would she lie, what reason could she possibly have?"....I grumped around and then let it go. H snuggled me by holding me in his arms front to front, which was sooooooo nice, he hasnt been doing that so much lately. Still, no ML, but we're both pretty tired, so maybe that doesnt mean much.
Weird, I don't know why he would say such a thing......why bring it up, after all this time. weird, weird, weird.
This morning before work, I commented that it still ticks me off that she would say such stuff, and he just chuckled... I told him I chose to remember how nice the female coworker in out-of-town office had said I am....and he just smiled and agreed.
I had one email from him today, at 10, and it wasnt a mushy one. Got another one at 2, saying "sorry, I have to be brief, things are really busy and hectic"...but still it's a reply, even if no mush.
I did notice that monster has a new car. it is a tiny little foreign economy compact in place of her "hot" 4-wheel drive suv with a v-8 hemi engine that H always thought was SOOOOOOO COOOOL. NOT the kind of vehicle that H cares for at all. Maybe that is a good sign. and she did not get it from the dealer we use.
I guess part of what bothers me so much about all this is that my biggest wish it that there would be NO contact AT ALL between them....and i can't see how it is truly over if she is emailing him about car dealers, etc., and while H is feeling that he let her down, I think he's still really vulnerable. Scares me to death.
Still, I realize I have no control over what he does/doesnt do, and certainly monster is most likeley to do what ever she knows upsets/irks me the most. Sooooooo, what I can choose is my response. I only see a few options to choose from....lets see, heres what I see:
--#1: Give H an ultimatum about ANY contact. possible results: not to great. H still has his rebellious streak, always has had and probably always will. still has a huge need to feel he is in control...so he's likely to do it because of that. Also, he has no control over what she does, he might get really upset if I keep beating him over the head for what she does. --#2: state my preference, then leave it up to H and ignore it. as much as possible, any way. Possible consequences: h pays no attention to my wishes and continues, with the risk that things might flare back up, or things may just continue to dwindle (as H maintains is happening), or H could respond by ceasing contact/responses to her (highly unlikely, sigh, considering the work situation)
I guess I don't see many other options/choices. I guess one would be to keep pitching a fit and moaning and groaning about it, but that would be pretty negative as far as consequences, he would be resentful and more likely to act out by contacting her even more, which plays right into monster's ugly little claws.
...I was shocked, said "what are you talking about????" and he said "people have said the business office staff thinks you're mean"....I was really caught off guard...this was all so childish...I asked "who said that" and he said he wasn't going to tell me....I asked who thinks that and he named three people...again I was surprised, I hardly ever see them and have even chit chatted with them from time to time, at flower shops and grocery stores and different places outside of work...so I was kind of blown away. 