they have crunch videos there as well as many, many others. Have fun! by the way, I got into the exercise video scene while my DH and I were separated. It is an obsession with me now! It was actually a pleasant diversion from all the drama in my sitch.
thought I'd try to update, I'm having a tough time concentrating on anything for some reason. I've had a sore throat since Sunday, and not sleeping well, which makes me a mess. H is not sleeping well either, all of which complicates things
I am hoping that we are getting back on track to where we were before vacation. I am starting to see signs. I pray that I'm right, because H was so tender and loving, I really really loved it, felt like I was getting finally what I had wanted all our M life, and then it all went out the window on vacation, really caught me off guard and scared me and messed up my head!!!
I cant understand, either, what got to him so badly on vacation. He said it was all the memories, but they were only there 4 or 5 days, we've spent months, literally, there over the last 12 years. I can't understand. i know he was disappointed i couldnt hike much at all...I just don't know.
However, since the weekend...lets see. At some point H commented to me, when I was fretting, that "soon it will all be just a distant memory". I said I hoped it would be for him as well, and he said that it will. I think this remark may have been made Monday morning. He also commented "I'm here because I chose to be", along with his afore mentioned comment of "I realized what I was looking for was here all the time".
Monday when he came home from work, he was happy and upbeat, but I thought still seemed kind of distant. He mentioned that he had had an email from "monster" asking what car dealership we use, because she wants to trade vehicles. that got me fired up, I said that she was trying to hang on to him or she wouldnt be emailing about stuff like that. H said that wasnt true, that he'd told her and then she didn't respond. I asked why she was asking about such a thing, and he said because she didnt have much experience; I told him that there were 100 other people she could ask, and he didnt say much. he did say that she will be taking her D to religious ed (which starts tonight) in the little town they live in and not here where S goes to class, so S and I won't have to see her & her D. H said he's suggested that would be better for our S...true...but???????
of course I worry she may sneak up to our house to see H while S & I are gone....she only lives 10 miles away. I still am nuts about all this. I find it hard to detach and let go when things get better between H and I. Anyway, this convo. took place Monday evening, and I was pretty riled up and anxious.
Yesterday morning before work, I let down my tongue biting efforts, and asked him if we were still ok; he said we were, but that I am so "antsy" right now that sometimes he just has to walk away. I told him that vacation just seemed to stir up a lot of stuff for both of us, and that he had seemed so sad and upset it makes it really hard for me to understand and deal with it, and ups my anxiety level.
H replied "I am sad and I need to be" and said that I need to let him be that, and I need to let him enjoy work when he starts to get back into the grove of it....I don't know what he meant by that.
Yesterday I got an email from H that he had found out that "monster" (our name for her now) was gone to a CE event, and that might put my mind at ease, also that he was being shuffled from office to office and might not be able to email much and didnt want me to be anxious about it.
I had maybe four emails from him, and in one of them he did say "ILY" as he used to. That is so comforting.
He got home at about 8:30 last night; held me tenderly with a nice hug and kiss, and said that he loved me so much when he got home. almost back to where we were before....
A former co-worker from the out of town office had called before h got home and asked me to call him. This guy had an affair with Secretary at that office, and now is being sued for sexual harrassement by a person he fired at his new job...the secretary he had the A with is being contacted by the att. in the lawsuit, and evidently the secretary is contacting him again...it sounds like a real mess, this guy took another job and left town to get away from the MESSY A...anyway, H looked at me after he talked with this guy, and said "she's (the secretary) not done yanking him yet, is she?" I looked him in the eye and said "nope, she's obviously not, and I bet K (wife of co-worker) is about ready to pull a Bobbitt on him". H didnt say anything, looked kind of thoughtful.
We talked and chatted for an hour and 1/2... then something kind of weird happened. I picked up a magazine that had a photo of a woman, and commented that I didnt know if it was her make up or what, but I thought her eyes looked cold and hard and mean. H agreed, and picked up a photo in the newspaper and said he thought a woman there also looked that way....I commented that a person I work with had said as much about her...then H said "well some people think you're that way ...I was shocked, said "what are you talking about????" and he said "people have said the business office staff thinks you're mean"....I was really caught off guard...this was all so childish...I asked "who said that" and he said he wasn't going to tell me....I asked who thinks that and he named three people...again I was surprised, I hardly ever see them and have even chit chatted with them from time to time, at flower shops and grocery stores and different places outside of work...so I was kind of blown away. I asked several times who said this, and h wouldn't tell me.
After we went to bed I asked again, and he said "monster said that"...and I got kind of irritated, said it irritated me. H said I should consider the source, that it had been a long time ago, a year ago even, and that he didnt think anything of it. I said it irritated the h--l out of me that she has the nerve to go around saying things like that that I suspect arent even true, and that the business office staff has never conspired to get me fired and "ratted" on me as the have on monster (which is all true) and he was sarcastic in a teasing way, saying "gee, why would she lie, what reason could she possibly have?"....I grumped around and then let it go. H snuggled me by holding me in his arms front to front, which was sooooooo nice, he hasnt been doing that so much lately. Still, no ML, but we're both pretty tired, so maybe that doesnt mean much.
Weird, I don't know why he would say such a thing......why bring it up, after all this time. weird, weird, weird.
This morning before work, I commented that it still ticks me off that she would say such stuff, and he just chuckled... I told him I chose to remember how nice the female coworker in out-of-town office had said I am....and he just smiled and agreed.
I had one email from him today, at 10, and it wasnt a mushy one. Got another one at 2, saying "sorry, I have to be brief, things are really busy and hectic"...but still it's a reply, even if no mush.
I did notice that monster has a new car. it is a tiny little foreign economy compact in place of her "hot" 4-wheel drive suv with a v-8 hemi engine that H always thought was SOOOOOOO COOOOL. NOT the kind of vehicle that H cares for at all. Maybe that is a good sign. and she did not get it from the dealer we use.
I guess part of what bothers me so much about all this is that my biggest wish it that there would be NO contact AT ALL between them....and i can't see how it is truly over if she is emailing him about car dealers, etc., and while H is feeling that he let her down, I think he's still really vulnerable. Scares me to death.
Still, I realize I have no control over what he does/doesnt do, and certainly monster is most likeley to do what ever she knows upsets/irks me the most. Sooooooo, what I can choose is my response. I only see a few options to choose from....lets see, heres what I see:
--#1: Give H an ultimatum about ANY contact. possible results: not to great. H still has his rebellious streak, always has had and probably always will. still has a huge need to feel he is in control...so he's likely to do it because of that. Also, he has no control over what she does, he might get really upset if I keep beating him over the head for what she does. --#2: state my preference, then leave it up to H and ignore it. as much as possible, any way. Possible consequences: h pays no attention to my wishes and continues, with the risk that things might flare back up, or things may just continue to dwindle (as H maintains is happening), or H could respond by ceasing contact/responses to her (highly unlikely, sigh, considering the work situation)
I guess I don't see many other options/choices. I guess one would be to keep pitching a fit and moaning and groaning about it, but that would be pretty negative as far as consequences, he would be resentful and more likely to act out by contacting her even more, which plays right into monster's ugly little claws.
thanks Cupcake, I just found this. I will check it out! I am hoping that exercise will be come an obsession with me, I could use one to replace my obsession w/H/R/M/monster
do you have a thread???? I take it you and your H got back together????
a gal here at work commented that she belongs to some exercise "video of the month" club. I've been thinking I need to find out more about that.
I had a thread a long time ago. yes, I was separated for over a year and dealt with all that entails. My H and I reconciled almost a year ago. things are good, but we do have our days! I heard all the same things everyone does from the Walkaways. the pain was unbearable! My H still has strong denial that the "friend" and "work partner" got any further than flirting. But there was inappropriateness of their relationship and he does admit that. I don't thing there was a PA, but strong suspicion of EA. Either way, hard to deal with. So I feel your pain and hope you find peace soon in your sitch.
there you will find lots of inspiration and ideas. a much more pleasant place to spend on-line time. sometimes this place is so darn depressing. even thought my sitch is resolved, it still stings to read the heartache that many are still going thru. sometimes I post when I can't help myself and think I might can shed some light of experience on someone who looks lost!
cool, Cupcake, thanks, I just got into the 1st thread and found the crunch videos, they have LOTS more, too! I'll check out these others, as well.
Boy, if you ever have any thoughts on my sitch, I's sure love the hear them. I know we are doing much much better than we were 2 years ago, but it is such a long hard road. I need all the insight I can get.
You are so right about the pain here. I hop around and read more than I post, sometimes I'm just so swept away by all the hurt people are experiencing, I don't know what to say.
oh, dang, I am so nutsed out. I've had several emails from H today, and in none of them did he say ILY...not once. I said it to him in a couple of replies. I guess I shouldnt say it even in email these days. you see, I just can not shake the bad feeling that things are going to fire up again. I don't know...it's hard to explain. oh yeah, maybe not, he asked me this morning about where things were with getting him a new cell phone. evidently he dropped his, and he says it only works for the most part one-way...can't remember which. but I can't help but worry because I know he used to spend HOURs with monster on the phone. plus no ILY's in emails. He asked me to get him some athelete's foot lotion today, and said "thanks for taking care of me", but no ily's...also sometime since we got home he made the comment that with monster he found a romantic side of himself that he didnt know he had and he liked and he feels it slipping away with me. that has been in the back of my mind and I keep forgetting to post that here. plus we've only ml 1X in the week today we'ver been home
I dont' know what to think, he is blowing hot and cold again.....last night seemed much better, then today I don't know, although he did say he's really busy, but still it takes less time to type ILY than that he's really busy.
I did read in an old old Conway book, "your Marriage can survive midlife crisis" that improvement comes in the form of a jagged up and down line that shows gradual upward movement, not steady upward movement...and I believe DR says that as well...
I guess probably reading Rotz's thread just now kind of reinforces my fears. sheeeesh. sometimes I think it would be easier to run screaming off into the sunset. Or crawl into a cave.
In all honesty, your H knows you will be there no matter what. If you indeed find out that he is slipping again, maybe time for tough love? I know you don't want to do this...you have hung on for so long. but are you happy? You don't sound it. I can only imagine the pins and needles you have walked on for years now. Time for YOU to decide that you wont take it anymore? I don't know. Only you can make that decision. Maybe you need to show DH how strong you really are. then again, do you think maybe you create the ideas that your H is still involved with ow? Seems like you read alot into his every word and action. I know it must be very hard not to???? I personally think that either Ow needs to leave town or your H needs to look for a new job. I am sure you already know this.
I don't know Deb. I just think your H is way too sure that you will put up with this FOREVER. somehow he needs to know you won't. You sound like a very lovely person with a lot to give someone who will love you like you deserve. I am sure it could be your DH. but not with OW constantly ruling your lives.
hi cupcake, you dont' ramble as much as I do. And, no, we've never separated. Sometimes I think it would have been easier.
I believe I probably do read things into every little nuance. which makes it hard, but on the other hand I often find out I am right. yuck.
I have to admit, it has been 3 months almost since he has been with her, I KNOW this for a fact because frankly he is seldom/never gone from home, and his walks on Sundays are now about an hour (normal) instead of 4 or more.
I can see how my anxiety would drive him nuts.
I don't know what to think, I just know I was really caught off guard by how down hill things went over vacation.
Yes, I know ow needs to leave town, H needs a different job. Not a whole lot I can do to influence either sitch that I can see. actually I could maybe do something...but it would be very risky. I have info from H that ow takes prescription drugs for herself from the drug closet here at work. I could turn that in annonymously to QA, but I'm guessing that H is the only person who knows, so it would very likely backfire on me. dangerous.
I gotta go...be back later this evening. thanks for stopping in. I'd love to find your old threads, I'll try to look for them.
Just remember the Itchy Butt theorem - sometimes when they are crabby, it's just because they have an itchy rash on their butt, not because of anything having to do with the sitch.
Now - what can YOU do to turn up the romance at home?
...I was shocked, said "what are you talking about????" and he said "people have said the business office staff thinks you're mean"....I was really caught off guard...this was all so childish...I asked "who said that" and he said he wasn't going to tell me....I asked who thinks that and he named three people...again I was surprised, I hardly ever see them and have even chit chatted with them from time to time, at flower shops and grocery stores and different places outside of work...so I was kind of blown away. 