thought I'd update, and as always I'm interested in what ever insight you all might have to share. I'm kinda going nuts today....catching up at work is bad enough, but I'm really mixed up about H. I'm not sure if vacation was good or bad...I would have said good at one point, awful at another, and today I'm becoming awfully anxious. again. sigh. so, here's the scoop:
We left for vacation on Monday, 8/8. as recently as the friday before, H was meeting me at the door with ILY's and hugs and kisses. I noticed the day before we left, Sunday, that H was getting progessively down. depressed. distant. it bothered me. By that Monday, he was really down. by the time we got there, he was not nice to be around. I asked him if he was sad, and he said he was. He said sometime in the night that he should "go back" (I took that to mean home, not ow???????) that there were too many memories there for him (they were there for 4 or 5 days, we've been there for months over the years) and that "we can't afford to keep doing this"????....I was upset, but managed to keep quiet. Then in bed he asked me to hold him, and said he was sad, there were too many memories here and that he should stop coming here.
The next day (Tuesday) we went on a 6 mile hike....I did terrible, worse than I did last fall by far, which was not good because H has made clear that he wants someone to hike with him. I can do fine walking, but I absolutely can't breathe climbing at 11,000 feet. Plus my boots wore a blister about 2 inches by 4 inches on my heel, so that was the only day I hiked. A big let down for me, and I know that H wants me to hike with him, he has made that clear....
That night (Tuesday) was awful. I reached over to hug him at and he told me to quit touching him. ?????????? he was really pissed and grumpy. I started to bawl, told him I had a hard time when the rules change and he's so loving at home and then we get here and he's so cold, I guess I shouldnt have had any expectations. He said he shouldnt have either.
I know what he was talking about with his expectations. he wants me to hike with him, long long mountain hikes. I still absolutely can't climb, it just kills me. Well, I probably could if he would slow down, but he wont, so I get way behind and he gets angry.
Later, he apologized a couple of times and said he hadnt had any sleep for 3 days (I know he tossed and turned, so that's true) and that he doesnt do well and it makes him grumpy.
D and SIL joined us on Wednesday, and we had a good time with them. H had been grumping about them coming, but seemed to cheer up and enjoy them greatly once the arrived, even said as much.
H made several references to my weight, even said i needed to lose 150 lbs, this was probably on Thursday....I need to lose a lot, but not that much. This after he told me less than 2 weeks ago that I was looking better every day.
He also commented the night of the "quit touching me" out burst, that "she doesnt want me anymore, you do"....
He insisted we walk by the cabin where "they" stayed and we stayed last summer with....he didnt seem to "moon" over it, but wanted to walk by. I remember when we left a house many years ago that I didnt want to move from that I was real sad and mournful, and I needed to go back and see it one last time, and then I was better. I wondered if that was some of it. I don't know what to make of any of this.
I think he initiated ml 2X while we were there, which is not much in 10 days. only 1X since we got home, which has been 5 days now...
He has talked about having such a good time with the kids, and that we need to get back out there again soon, about how he was trying to build new memories while we were there.
On Thurday morning, I took S to school, then H & I crawled back into bed to catch up on sleep. at some point he told me that he had to go to the bathroom and would be back in a little bit. an hour and 1/2 later I finally got up and went downstairs. He came up from the basement about the time I got there, looking "odd" I thought...said he'd been checking emails...I started to cry (I'm doing that way too much these days) and asked if he'd been calling her...he got very angry and said no, and that he wasnt emailing her either, and that he doesnt like being accused of things. I told him that he was acting just the way he did when things were going on, and I can't help but wonder....
At some point later that day, he started to talk about hating to feel so old, and that she was a distraction from that and from work, that even when they were fighting she was a distraction from work. that she doesnt want him, and that hurts him, that he wanted to feel like he meant more to her than that (I can't fathom what the hell he expects from some one who has spent her adult life sleeping from one guy to the next). Said that he has let me down and let her down and that is hard to live with.
He is still mournful and withdrawn and weird at home most of the time, although on Friday he did hug me unsolicited and tell me how much he loved me, and that he had discovered that what he had been looking for was with him all along. ok, so that sounds good or great, right????
Well, then yesterday evening I had to run into the store, was gone about 1/2 hour, when I came back S said H was upstairs in our bedroom and had been for some time. I was puzzled, but went out to work in the garden. about an hour later, I asked S if he would run up to our bedroom and get me something, he came back with out it and said "dad said he'd get it" and then said the bedroom door had been locked. A few minutes later I went into the house, and was looking up the stairs, when H spoke to me from the door way of the room I was in, behind my back...he'd seen me looking up the stairs, debating if I should go get my "stuff"...He just asked how long I'd been home.
At bedtime last night, I told him I loved him, and he said he appreciated it, that he is such a mess right now that he doesnt care much for himself. That he doesnt know how I can love him, but it helps. ?????????????????
This morning I had one very business-like email from him, no ILY's in it at 10. I replied, havent heard one word from him since.
I am having a very very tough time. I have been asking myself what I am so afraid of, and have concluded that I am terrified that he came back to emails or something from her saying she does want him back...he has told me several times that "she doesnt want me...you don't have anything to worry about, she doesnt want me" I don't recall him saying as often (though he has, maybe I have a selective memory) that he doesnt want her/the A....I actually told him this weekend that i need to know from him that HE wants ME/US...at the time he responded that he did.
I'm just really struggling, I am back in the joyful position of seeing her car here at work again, and all that fun stuff that gets on my last good nerve.
On the personal, GAL side, I have almost gotten the garden completely replanted and the new one planted. It is going to be so cool. I actually put in a little kind of neat fountain that I designed that looks much better than I ever thought it would; I've always wanted one and decided "what the heck"...H thinks it looks neat, and S has already spent hours setting in the garden. It has a stepping stone path through the trees, with a gazing ball and then the fountain, with an almost-antique metal glider that belonged to my grandfathers' aunt. I cant wait to get it finished, I've spent hours since we got back working on it and running to the store for materials.
I did really well with my ww diet for the 1st 4 days of vacation, and then blew it, so it's back to that now. I did my walking tapes since we've been home, got to get back to the fitness center. H has said he will help me design a work-out routine I can do at home on his equipment, when we get it set up of course. He keeps putting that off for some reason, which also seems weird to me. I just try to let it go.
so, I don't know quiet what to think and would love to hear anyone elses thoughts, suggestions.
We did have a great time with the kids: D, SIL, S on vacation, and SIL and H are wanting to do some backcountry camping and boudary waters canoeing, so maybe that is a good/great thing...H would love that, and is so excited at the prospect.
