I havent posted for a while, thought I'd jump into update a little/journal/keep myself on track. lets see, what to cover.
it has been an interesting week. We are hectically busy getting ready to go on vacation....it's very difficult to be "caught up" at work enough to be gone.
Monday night/tuesday morning, H talked alot, again, about ow, and his discontent with her values/attitudes. we talked about commitment/lack thereof in relationships, the "what's in it for me" outlook... H told me something that concerned me. It seems he had been sending her some "tormenting" emails...sometimes blank ones, sometimes with just one word in them, a word that pertains to her personality disorder, which upset her...then when she complained to him, he dared her to take them to the HR director, since ow has herself up to her ears in hot water anyway. It is not like H to act out such hostility, and it concerned me, but I didnt say much about it, just let him talk.
By Tuesday, the day he is here in the office with her, his tone had changed, and he was back to being more "mournful", I guess is the word. concerned about her D...although he stated that they would not be getting back together, that they are not interested in all the "crap" that goes with the R, that she is "not what I thought she was"...???????????????don't know what he meant by that. I diidnt pursue the subject, just listened mostly. I find that I usually get a lot more information when I listen than when I push. Although he did comment "I"m sure she'll be true to me for a long time?????" which of course made the thought WTF? roar through my brain, since he'd been saying he was sure she already had someone else on the string. He commented that "she knows we are doing fine"....and the next morning said "we are fine" in the course of a convo. we had...don't remember what we were discussing.
This tells me that there is still some "connection" there, or that disconnection is still in process, I guess. H did comment that it's been 2 months....
H woke up and woke me up to ml at 1:30 am on Wednesday; had more "trouble" than usually has been the case of late, but then considering the hour, that is probably not unexpected?????
Obviously, I have difficulty letting go of fears of them getting back together, or I wouldnt be posting this.
I do usually get an email in the morning with ILY in it....that is so nice and reassuring, something I longed for.
I am concerned about H though, and I see so clearly now how ow was a symptom and not the problem...how she was his anesthetic and distraction and antidepressant. H is truly a very caring person. and he is absolutely exhausted at this point in his career, yet trapped, he can't just walk away because of all his committments.
Last night when he got home from work we talked a little about his day. He has a counseling client coming in today who is about our age, a really really nice guy, who has horrible health problems, just unbelievable bad stuff that happened to him, and now is waiting for his final report on what is pretty well established as an advanced case of bone cancer. H was telling me about it, said "I'm not looking forward to tomorrow", and his eyes teared up with such sorrow. It was only for a fleeting moment, but it was very deep. I truly don't know how to help very much. I try to be supportive and listen and let him know how much he means to me and how much I appreciate him. I truly do not know what else I can do.
Last night as we were getting ready for bed, he commented that it just feels like we are not getting anywhere financially (that's pretty accurate), and said "I just don't know if I can keep doing this for another decade and 1/2". He obviously feels trapped and depressed.
I'm thinking this must mean the MLC is not yet resolved, but perhaps he's coming out of replay??????
We leave monday for 2 weeks of vacation, I am praying it will be a great relief for us all. and praying that this will be one without ow in the forfront of his mind. If so it will the first out of 4.
I am thinking that I must focus on putting "us" back together, and making it great....I'm not sure how to do that. It is clear, frighteningly so, to me that it is going to take more than nice undies, a house that smells good, new fun names, and my appearance.
I am interested in any thoughts anyone has on what I might include/work on....maybe I can come up with some goals in this area. Actually I have some in mind, just need to write them down.
We certainly talk more openly than we used to.
I also have my own need that I need to have addressed in our R. I have been thinking perhaps now it the time to begin working on that, but perhaps still not yet...sigh...
my goals, R & other wise:
so many things have gone downhill during the course of the damn affair, so many of my goals involve correcting that. as follows:
1) Get house back into shape. Decluttering and decorating..... so far, I have: gotten the shade garden replanted; purchased porch furniture; started a new foundation planting garden & have it almost completed; trimmed shrubbery (almost done, there is a lot of it to do)
decluttering: have resigned up for Flylady....getting back on track with that...have given away and pitched many bags and boxes of "stuff" in the last 2 months...much more still to go.
Redecorating: have the paint and flooring for downstairs bath...have the materials for bedroom and family room on the shelf...need to complete decluttering first. Notice H is not yet involved in this...I hope to increase that in baby steps, he did put together a bookshelf about 2 months ago, and help trim shrubs, and admire my planting work ) baby steps!
continue to work on my fitness and health and appearance...again, baby steps. I am working on the weight loss, although I've missed 2 meetings, not good, but I continue to focus on making better food choices. I continue to workout 2 - 3X week at the fitness center. I continue to make an effort to put on makeup and dress a notch better....it helps me feel better, and I think makes a difference with H. In fact I need to note, last Friday, 7/29, H commented that "you look better every day" (I wish)...however, he did grump that "your boobs are shrinking" the other morning....just another example of how all over the place he still is, and I need to REALLY remember to not put all my focus on pleasing him . I just ignored his comment, let it slide off my back, there would have been a time when I would have been really upset by it.....the dope, though, he cant have it both ways I'm afraid... I did however refrain from telling that he is absolutely right, I got measured at the fitness center, and I am losing inches, including unfortunately for him, 1 1/2 in the bustline.
I'm starting to ramble, best go to get caught up with work. I can sure use anythoughts any one has on how to help H through his depression, how to rebuild our M, I'd love to hear it.
Please pray that our vacation helps him to have the restful break he needs.
I havent posted for a while, thought I'd jump into update a little/journal/keep myself on track. lets see, what to cover.
it has been an interesting week. We are hectically busy getting ready to go on vacation....it's very difficult to be "caught up" at work enough to be gone.
Monday night/tuesday morning, H talked alot, again, about ow, and his discontent with her values/attitudes. we talked about commitment/lack thereof in relationships, the "what's in it for me" outlook... H told me something that concerned me. It seems he had been sending her some "tormenting" emails...sometimes blank ones, sometimes with just one word in them, a word that pertains to her personality disorder, which upset her...then when she complained to him, he dared her to take them to the HR director, since ow has herself up to her ears in hot water anyway. It is not like H to act out such hostility, and it concerned me, but I didnt say much about it, just let him talk.
By Tuesday, the day he is here in the office with her, his tone had changed, and he was back to being more "mournful", I guess is the word. concerned about her D...although he stated that they would not be getting back together, that they are not interested in all the "crap" that goes with the R, that she is "not what I thought she was"...???????????????don't know what he meant by that. I diidnt pursue the subject, just listened mostly. I find that I usually get a lot more information when I listen than when I push. Although he did comment "I"m sure she'll be true to me for a long time?????" which of course made the thought WTF? roar through my brain, since he'd been saying he was sure she already had someone else on the string. He commented that "she knows we are doing fine"....and the next morning said "we are fine" in the course of a convo. we had...don't remember what we were discussing.
This tells me that there is still some "connection" there, or that disconnection is still in process, I guess. H did comment that it's been 2 months....
H woke up and woke me up to ml at 1:30 am on Wednesday; had more "trouble" than usually has been the case of late, but then considering the hour, that is probably not unexpected?????
Obviously, I have difficulty letting go of fears of them getting back together, or I wouldnt be posting this.
I do usually get an email in the morning with ILY in it....that is so nice and reassuring, something I longed for.
I am concerned about H though, and I see so clearly now how ow was a symptom and not the problem...how she was his anesthetic and distraction and antidepressant. H is truly a very caring person. and he is absolutely exhausted at this point in his career, yet trapped, he can't just walk away because of all his committments.
Last night when he got home from work we talked a little about his day. He has a counseling client coming in today who is about our age, a really really nice guy, who has horrible health problems, just unbelievable bad stuff that happened to him, and now is waiting for his final report on what is pretty well established as an advanced case of bone cancer. H was telling me about it, said "I'm not looking forward to tomorrow", and his eyes teared up with such sorrow. It was only for a fleeting moment, but it was very deep. I truly don't know how to help very much. I try to be supportive and listen and let him know how much he means to me and how much I appreciate him. I truly do not know what else I can do.
Last night as we were getting ready for bed, he commented that it just feels like we are not getting anywhere financially (that's pretty accurate), and said "I just don't know if I can keep doing this for another decade and 1/2". He obviously feels trapped and depressed.
I'm thinking this must mean the MLC is not yet resolved, but perhaps he's coming out of replay??????
We leave monday for 2 weeks of vacation, I am praying it will be a great relief for us all. and praying that this will be one without ow in the forfront of his mind. If so it will the first out of 4.
I am thinking that I must focus on putting "us" back together, and making it great....I'm not sure how to do that. It is clear, frighteningly so, to me that it is going to take more than nice undies, a house that smells good, new fun names, and my appearance.
I am interested in any thoughts anyone has on what I might include/work on....maybe I can come up with some goals in this area. Actually I have some in mind, just need to write them down.
We certainly talk more openly than we used to.
I also have my own need that I need to have addressed in our R. I have been thinking perhaps now it the time to begin working on that, but perhaps still not yet...sigh...
my goals, R & other wise:
so many things have gone downhill during the course of the damn affair, so many of my goals involve correcting that. as follows:
1) Get house back into shape. Decluttering and decorating..... so far, I have: gotten the shade garden replanted; purchased porch furniture; started a new foundation planting garden & have it almost completed; trimmed shrubbery (almost done, there is a lot of it to do)
decluttering: have resigned up for Flylady....getting back on track with that...have given away and pitched many bags and boxes of "stuff" in the last 2 months...much more still to go.
Redecorating: have the paint and flooring for downstairs bath...have the materials for bedroom and family room on the shelf...need to complete decluttering first. Notice H is not yet involved in this...I hope to increase that in baby steps, he did put together a bookshelf about 2 months ago, and help trim shrubs, and admire my planting work ) baby steps!
continue to work on my fitness and health and appearance...again, baby steps. I am working on the weight loss, although I've missed 2 meetings, not good, but I continue to focus on making better food choices. I continue to workout 2 - 3X week at the fitness center. I continue to make an effort to put on makeup and dress a notch better....it helps me feel better, and I think makes a difference with H. In fact I need to note, last Friday, 7/29, H commented that "you look better every day" (I wish)...however, he did grump that "your boobs are shrinking" the other morning....just another example of how all over the place he still is, and I need to REALLY remember to not put all my focus on pleasing him . I just ignored his comment, let it slide off my back, there would have been a time when I would have been really upset by it.....the dope, though, he cant have it both ways I'm afraid... I did however refrain from telling that he is absolutely right, I got measured at the fitness center, and I am losing inches, including unfortunately for him, 1 1/2 in the bustline.
I'm starting to ramble, best go to get caught up with work. I can sure use anythoughts any one has on how to help H through his depression, how to rebuild our M, I'd love to hear it.
Please pray that our vacation helps him to have the restful break he needs.
Hi Deb - This piecing stuff is hard, and in addition to dbing, we may have to make more creative changes. I know if last summer I had not gotten us to move house, recovery from the a would have been a lot more difficult for us. The distraction made a world of difference.
Quote: Last night as we were getting ready for bed, he commented that it just feels like we are not getting anywhere financially (that's pretty accurate), and said "I just don't know if I can keep doing this for another decade and 1/2". He obviously feels trapped and depressed.
Is there an alternative? Sometimes simpler joys can be liberating, sometimes just a small change can make a difficult financial situation look normal. This seems like an important one for him. May be worth thinking further about.
Deb don't stop working out, if it helps your PMA, stick with it. From a guys view, I would rather have a PMA Wife in better shape than a little top real estate. I think you can find ways to show him how that is a good thing. Just keeping working on making your R a happier place and sooner or later the old problems will fade away. Focus more on the future. Don't keep throwing up reflections of the past, don't put that distraction in front of him. Take and keep him focused on happier places.
Deb - Is it true that when the A is dying, WAS will tend to tell you more about the OW? My H is talking alot about OW these days. How incompatible they are, how different her family background is from ours etc etc? And he would say "the fact that I am telling you all this means we (as in he and I) are okay". I know the ending of an A is difficult for the WAS but how long would they need to get over their withdrawal? Your H seems to be "withdrawing" somewhat as he seems to be still talking about OW. When did the A end?
Hi YoYo...Just happened to catch your post, I'm in the office for a few minutes today catching up before vacation.to try to answer your questions: In my experience, my H ONLY talked about ow when they were on the outs/breaking up. otherwise, he would be absolutely quite about her...other than when the damned A was really new, when he talked about her constantly and his face was all lit up....vomit..gag...urp..
so, in my opinion and experience, it is a very very good sign that your H's A is probably winding down. I have seen this in other sitchs on the board also.
I have to throw in a word of caution though, in my sitch and in others it is a gradual process of breaking up and letting go, and most WAS's seem to need several tries at it. My H broke up with ow several times, and swore it was over for good (2X) and then went back. not to mention many tiny "breakups". Each of these previous big breakups lasted about 2 weeks, and I KNEW they were back together because he stopped talking about her and the A. That is why I never shut him off when he talks about it now, it's hard sometimes but it is my way of knowing what's going on. That's also why I find myself holding my breath praying for more time to elapse.
So, it's very good that he's talking about it, but it maybe one of those sitchs where it takes several tries to end it for good. That is VERY hard to deal with from the LB's side, but you can do it.
I would suggest now that you listen and validate as much as you possibly can. He is probably to some extent trying to "solidify" the ending of the A in his own mind, and I believe they really sometimes need to be able to talk about it.
in my case, I believe today marks 12 weeks that H has not been w/ow on the weekends. I actually mark it down in my calendar ....the darned A ended almost exactly 2 years after it began. after it turned into PA, anyway, I'm pretty sure it was EA for 6 mos before that.
It's been a long hard road, but yesterday when I got home, h met me in the hallway as I came in the door with hugs and kisses and "ILY's"...made me cry tears of joy.
Do not give up if you want your H/M....honestly, I now believe firmly in miracles, I cant tell you how bad and dark things looked for a while when I first found this board.
take care yoyo, I really thing this is a great positive in your sitch. I'm going to be gone for 2 weeks, so dont' think I'm ignoring you if I don't post for a bit.
Deb, so glad to see you are making it! I haven't been back for a while, but came back WITH H this time - for some help.
I am just so happy to hear that your H is saying ILY and everything. Last time I was here, you were still struggling with OW issue. I will have to go back and read your posts. I can't wait to see your progress over time.
Guessed I am as excited as Slowly for your post-vacation update.
My H is still talking about OW and her family, about how he can't stand her father blah blah blah. But he also talks about him NOT returning to our marital home that he will miss it blah blah blah. My H told me that he had tried to break off with OW many many times and yet return to her not long after. Hopefully, his moving to Country X will lessen the things that he feels he can talk to her. I have come to the point whereby I feel that there is nothing much I can do except to let him go and hope and pray that he will see the light and return to me. He has got his stuff packed up ready for his "leaving" end of the month. (Sorry for the hijack)
Give us your update and insights of what works and what does not!
) baby steps!
Slowly
Just keeping working on making your R a happier place and sooner or later the old problems will fade away. Focus more on the future. Don't keep throwing up reflections of the past, don't put that distraction in front of him. Take and keep him focused on happier places. 
