I havent posted for a while, thought I'd jump into update a little/journal/keep myself on track. lets see, what to cover.

it has been an interesting week. We are hectically busy getting ready to go on vacation....it's very difficult to be "caught up" at work enough to be gone.

Monday night/tuesday morning, H talked alot, again, about ow, and his discontent with her values/attitudes. we talked about commitment/lack thereof in relationships, the "what's in it for me" outlook...
H told me something that concerned me. It seems he had been sending her some "tormenting" emails...sometimes blank ones, sometimes with just one word in them, a word that pertains to her personality disorder, which upset her...then when she complained to him, he dared her to take them to the HR director, since ow has herself up to her ears in hot water anyway. It is not like H to act out such hostility, and it concerned me, but I didnt say much about it, just let him talk.

By Tuesday, the day he is here in the office with her, his tone had changed, and he was back to being more "mournful", I guess is the word. concerned about her D...although he stated that they would not be getting back together, that they are not interested in all the "crap" that goes with the R, that she is "not what I thought she was"...???????????????don't know what he meant by that. I diidnt pursue the subject, just listened mostly. I find that I usually get a lot more information when I listen than when I push. Although he did comment "I"m sure she'll be true to me for a long time?????" which of course made the thought WTF? roar through my brain, since he'd been saying he was sure she already had someone else on the string. He commented that "she knows we are doing fine"....and the next morning said "we are fine" in the course of a convo. we had...don't remember what we were discussing.

This tells me that there is still some "connection" there, or that disconnection is still in process, I guess. H did comment that it's been 2 months....

H woke up and woke me up to ml at 1:30 am on Wednesday; had more "trouble" than usually has been the case of late, but then considering the hour, that is probably not unexpected?????

Obviously, I have difficulty letting go of fears of them getting back together, or I wouldnt be posting this.

I do usually get an email in the morning with ILY in it....that is so nice and reassuring, something I longed for.

I am concerned about H though, and I see so clearly now how ow was a symptom and not the problem...how she was his anesthetic and distraction and antidepressant. H is truly a very caring person. and he is absolutely exhausted at this point in his career, yet trapped, he can't just walk away because of all his committments.

Last night when he got home from work we talked a little about his day. He has a counseling client coming in today who is about our age, a really really nice guy, who has horrible health problems, just unbelievable bad stuff that happened to him, and now is waiting for his final report on what is pretty well established as an advanced case of bone cancer. H was telling me about it, said "I'm not looking forward to tomorrow", and his eyes teared up with such sorrow. It was only for a fleeting moment, but it was very deep. I truly don't know how to help very much. I try to be supportive and listen and let him know how much he means to me and how much I appreciate him. I truly do not know what else I can do.

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, he commented that it just feels like we are not getting anywhere financially (that's pretty accurate), and said "I just don't know if I can keep doing this for another decade and 1/2". He obviously feels trapped and depressed.

I'm thinking this must mean the MLC is not yet resolved, but perhaps he's coming out of replay??????

We leave monday for 2 weeks of vacation, I am praying it will be a great relief for us all. and praying that this will be one without ow in the forfront of his mind. If so it will the first out of 4.

I am thinking that I must focus on putting "us" back together, and making it great....I'm not sure how to do that. It is clear, frighteningly so, to me that it is going to take more than nice undies, a house that smells good, new fun names, and my appearance.

I am interested in any thoughts anyone has on what I might include/work on....maybe I can come up with some goals in this area. Actually I have some in mind, just need to write them down.

We certainly talk more openly than we used to.

I also have my own need that I need to have addressed in our R. I have been thinking perhaps now it the time to begin working on that, but perhaps still not yet...sigh...

my goals, R & other wise:

so many things have gone downhill during the course of the damn affair, so many of my goals involve correcting that. as follows:

1) Get house back into shape.
Decluttering and decorating.....
so far, I have: gotten the shade garden replanted;
purchased porch furniture; started a new foundation planting garden & have it almost completed; trimmed shrubbery (almost done, there is a lot of it to do)

decluttering: have resigned up for Flylady....getting back on track with that...have given away and pitched many bags and boxes of "stuff" in the last 2 months...much more still to go.

Redecorating: have the paint and flooring for downstairs bath...have the materials for bedroom and family room on the shelf...need to complete decluttering first.
Notice H is not yet involved in this...I hope to increase that in baby steps, he did put together a bookshelf about 2 months ago, and help trim shrubs, and admire my planting work ) baby steps!

continue to work on my fitness and health and appearance...again, baby steps. I am working on the weight loss, although I've missed 2 meetings, not good, but I continue to focus on making better food choices. I continue to workout 2 - 3X week at the fitness center. I continue to make an effort to put on makeup and dress a notch better....it helps me feel better, and I think makes a difference with H. In fact I need to note, last Friday, 7/29, H commented that "you look better every day" (I wish)...however, he did grump that "your boobs are shrinking" the other morning....just another example of how all over the place he still is, and I need to REALLY remember to not put all my focus on pleasing him .
I just ignored his comment, let it slide off my back, there would have been a time when I would have been really upset by it.....the dope, though, he cant have it both ways I'm afraid...
I did however refrain from telling that he is absolutely right, I got measured at the fitness center, and I am losing inches, including unfortunately for him, 1 1/2 in the bustline.

I'm starting to ramble, best go to get caught up with work. I can sure use anythoughts any one has on how to help H through his depression, how to rebuild our M, I'd love to hear it.

Please pray that our vacation helps him to have the restful break he needs.



been around awhile!