quick update here on my sitch, I'd love to know what anyone else sees/makes of all this...

I don't think I've done an update since at least last Tuesday, and it has been a weird, up and down, kind of scary week for me. so, lets see what I can recall...
Tuesday last week H seemed to "change" again...and yes, my ow radar was screaming. I don't know how to describe it, it's like he steps back from me...little things...my perception is that he's not as warm, not as "huggy" or involved when he does this. And he stops talking about ow. In the past, this has happened when he went back to her...so it was hard for me to keep from panicking.

I think I did fairly well, although H commented that he thought I was being "clingy"....that he could see why I was "at first but not now, it's been quite a while"...

His emails also became more businesslike, no ILY's Wednesday and Thursday...then, I think it was Wed. evening, he seemed really blue and down, and said "I just had hoped I meant more to her than that...I saw her tuesday at work, and it was like....nothing at all......."

i HATE that he has any contact, any expectations, because it means he hasnt let go. I think I just listened, didnt really make in comments, but I wanted to say "DUUUUUHHHHH, H, what do you think a person like that is really like?"
H was grumpy, irritable, sad and withdrawn Wed, thurs, Fri., Sat., but started to seem better by Saturday. At one point in the week, probably Wednesday or Thursday in the night, he actually told me I was obnoxious when I snuggled up to him at night. I just moved to my side of the bed and didnt say anything. went to sleep. He was home all weekend, no "paperwork" or 4 - 5 hour walks, thank God.

Friday morning before work he did initiate ML, had no problems with performance at all?????????? I still don't know what to make of this, but it's been maybe 6 weeks now since that hit all at once. Friday evening when I got back from working out, H just looked so sad. I told him he looked sad, and he said he was...I just hugged him, and let it go.

Saturday morning he initiated ml again....no problems. I went to workout, then went to the store. I was gone maybe 2.5 hours, and he'd been home alone for maybe 1.5 hours, I'd expected to be back sooner. It was just after noon when I got home, and he didnt seem to be around. I went upstairs to our bedroom, and the door was locked, I was so shocked I was confused. I could see under the door that the light was on, though. when I rattled the door knob, he said "sorry I'll be right there"...I wondered, and still have no clue what was going on....I don't think he was on the phone w/ow, as I didnt hear the phone hang up, I think I'd have heard conversation...I did hear what sounded like elastic in a waistband snap, loud and clear. maybe he was entertaining himself, I don't know...????since we'd just ml that morning, it seems unlikely, but who knows. As soon as he'd said "just a minute", the phone rang, and he said "I'll get this and be right there ...still really weird....it was my mother on the phone .

H and I were both kind of tired and "disjointed" or something all weekend, didnt do much but watch some movies and take lots of naps. he did grill steaks sunday at his suggestion. S12 stayed with a friend on Friday night till Sat. evening, and H commented kind of dejectedly that he never got to see him, he guessed S had his own agenda and life.

Sunday however they played video games and watched tv, and H seemed to start to cheer up quite a bit then. Sometime on Sunday we got to talking about going canoeing overnight, something we used to do long long ago...it would be so great to do that again....and h mentioned that was something ow was always going to do with him, but they never did, he said she'd had all these great plans, of going canoing in the ozarks, and skiing. I fell to bad dbing again...couldnt resist saying "don't tell me, she's also a ski instructor and master canoeist"...H looked sheepish, and said "well no".

Friday it was so hot here he got sick walking outside, and I was concerned. Sunday I said something about his walking. I actually asked how long he thought he'd be gone...later in the day he commented about me being nosy and watching and counting how many steps he takes, and having to account for every second. he said I had nothing to worry about (meaning him going to meet ow) and I told him I thought he was misunderstanding me, that I worry about him outside of the A....about HIM and his wellbeing...especially when he was sick from it on Friday & it was still hot. That seemed to soothe or even please him some, he said "I guess I should be glad, nobody else worriesa about me at all, that's for sure, not even my own family...(his folks havent called or spoken to him since fourth of July) or the kids"???????not sure what to make of that.

At one point in the weekend, don't remember if it was Friday or Sat., he commented that he thinks it's going to take him awhile to get over this, like maybe 6 months, and that he just has to do it, he's going to be sad, and it will take him time to work through it, and it's hard for him to feel like he can be down or have a bad day because I get so upset...NOTE TO SELF: no matter how hard it is to see him like that, and scary, he has to experience the feeling to get past them. keep a lid on my own reactions. I did tell him it's hard to see him be sad when I care so much, and it's also scary from past experience.

H also commented, and I think this is a HUGE realization on his part, I hope an indication that maybe he's moving into the acceptance stage of mlc...would appreciate anyones thoughts thereabout....that "part of what makes it so hard is not the other person, IT IS GIVING UP THAT FANTASY, AND FACING THE REALITY THAT THIS IS HOW YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO BE. IT IS HARD TO LET GO OF THAT FANTASY, IT IS AN ESCAPE FROM A DIFFICULT SITUATION". H also said he thought his discontent with work was a big part of why he was looking for an "escape"...WOW! it's not all me any more!!!! anyway, letting loose of the fantasy makes it harder to give up the person. H said he believes that he probably intentionally created chaos in that R as a way to escape his dissatisfaction with work. BIG steps towards self-understanding?

By Saturday night, he was asking me to hold him in bed again...sometimes he just needs me to hold him....

Yesterday I got an email from him that said "ILY"...I sent him a kind of mushy one back, and he actually thanked me for it, said he'd been having a tough day, and mentioned all the a$$es at work....I interpreted that to mean he'd had more unpleasant contact w/ow.

Yesterday evening we were chatting and he said how weird "what's her name" is...we now refer to ow as "what's her name" or "the monster"...and how more and more he sees how "weird" she is...I asked what he meant, and the flood gates opened again. he said he'd realized how she is just unable to relate to other people, incapable of comprehending that they exist seperately and have different needs from her...she just has no comprehension...
I asked what he meant, and he looked sheepish and said "I talked to her"...I stayed calm...and he said that in the morning as he was going down the hall, she was in her office, he stopped and asked her how her D was doing...she said a lot had happened, and he asked what...seems her D wanted to come home early from her Dad's out of state, the dad even called ow and told her that, and she REFUSED to have her D come home because SHE WOULD HAVE TO SPEND MONEY FOR CHILDCARE!!!!!!! H said he was sorry to hear that, and that it made him really sad to think how the child must feel... H said then ow yelled "f--k you, get out of here!" at him. We spent time talking about what a sad situation it is for the D.
H mentioned that the female co-worker in the out of town office has been lecturing him since spring to get rid of ow, that the situation is "not good for anyone" and "you're too good a man for that"...H said he trusts her objectivity and finds it helpful and that it means a lot to hear it from her. he also has a lot of trust in and respect for ow's supervisor, whom he claims is trying her darnedest to get rid of ow...and said that tells him a lot.

Later he said "it really is about money and power, just as you said, it's not about me and her great love"...H said ow had always said she wanted him, not the money she thinks he must have BUT that he had told her that he didnt think he would have much money if he went with her, because he was sure he'd be making hefty child support payments, and that he would be making the mortgage payments for me....according to H, ow went wild over that one, saying that he didnt owe me anything, and that he insisted "well yes I do" and that she became furious and never seemed to be as interested in him after that.

We talked about it being a huge power play/issue...what a power play to be able to do that (get H)...the effects would be huge, not just for H & I, but for our kids, our families, and even the whole company here. sheesh.

At one point late in the evening, H said "you sure love to talk about it"....projection if ever there was any, I don't start the talks, H seems to begin them if I respond to any of his comments....but I told him that I ask questions because I'm trying to understand....H said I may never understand because he doesnt fully, that "all I ever wanted was a friend, this just blew me away and caught me so off guard"....but that he's glad he had the sense to "slow things down" instead of rushing in to what he believes would be an awful mess. And that ow really got po'd when he purposelly slowed things down.

I told h that one of my best friends had an affair when she was first married (she died of breast cancer 5 years ago, I sure miss her) H was shocked, his eyes got huge...and he commented "he didnt know, did he?" in reference to her H...I said "yes, he did" and you could have heard a pin drop, because the love between those 2 was so strong, you could feel the vibes just being in the same room with them.

this morning, H initiated ml about 2 am. Fine with me, especially if he's gonna be where he's likely to see ow. H didnt wear his ring to work...but I had an email signed ILY, your D...and several chatty ones. I hope his contact with ow was minimal...we had staff meeting today, I thought she looked like frumpy crap in a baggy t-shirt, and I looked great...now I couldnt be biased, could I? I had to laugh to myself though, maybe my old "spit and vinegar" is coming back slowly...a new staff member was introduced, she went to elementary and hi school where my kids do, and I let out a cheer...it just jumped out. I've been so quiet and reserved while all this has been going on, I thought it was interesting. everybody laughed.
I can't help but hope that any contact w/ow has only reaffirmed how "weird" she is. and nasty. and hateful. and spiteful. and ugly. I did tell H I wish I could event a "monster spray" to make her disappear...or a bucket of water that would melt her like the witch in "wizard of oz"...he said that I didnt have anything to worry about, and he thinks she will not stay at this job much longer, she burns so many bridges and is so disliked that she can't stay anywhere long.

oh, yeah, he did mention that she always tries to keep the "sentimentality" alive...I asked how, and he said she was always saying how she was "sure going to miss him"....I was getting fired up, and he said it's been awhile, and "she does that with all those guys"....

sorry for the long post, but I'd sure like to hear any insights anyone who reads it might have....

I'm thinking I may try to construct a timeline over in mlc to figure out where maybe this is at...I read HB's recently, I never knew for sure how to do that....it might be helpful.

been around awhile!