Hi Yoyo...I tried to post to you on Friday, but our computers were screwed up, and I wasnt able to. I did save the post I typed up ...here it is.... I'm not sure how invaluable my experience is, as I'm kinda struggling myself right now , ugh, as I'll post in a bit...but, I can share a few tidbits with you...
Quote: My H has been saying that OW is not pressuring him,
my H said the exact same thing....at an earlier point in the A...and I found an email from her (yeah, I've done some snooping) saying "I know I told you to take all the time you needed, but...." I read some of your former threads, and I understand the a has been going on about 7 months? I know it's hard to hear, but that may still very well be the "honeymoon" stage of the a....they are still on the "high" of "newness"...it stinks to high heaven, but it frankly takes some time for newness to wear off, and reality to set in, the fog to lift, and the rose tint to come off the glasses. I think there's a period of time when they are so "smitten" that they can't even start to see the reality of the op...that they are also human and imperfect, and that they will have irritating points, and that if they stay together, "everyday life" and all it's challenges will eventually rear it's head... I believe the ow ALWAYS have expectations. I mean, how many people want a "part time", "part of your heart" relationship? Both are on their best behavior right now, their "dating behavior"....but let it drag on, and ow will most likely start to show different feathers. I wonder how old your H's ow is? is she married? kids?
I read somewhere that women tend to have A's for power and money...men tend to have them for excitement and...hmmm, now I can't remember the 2nd one. but my observation is that it's pretty on target for women's affairs. let that drive for power and money be thwarted a while, and see what happens. People used to predict to me that ow would become demanding, they "guaranteed" it in my case, and I never could understand that, but now I see this basis for the predictions: a woman who will make herself available to a married man has issues of her own related to her unmet needs, and those issues will lead her to become very insistent in efforts to get them met.
How old is your H???? I don't remember reading that in your thread....Mid life crisis puts a whole different twist on A's...and adds a lot of issues to consider.
Quote: We do still ML too (me using him as s@x slave?!?) as that is the only real connection we still have. I don't know.... What do you think?
There is a lot of discussion of this on the boards, and I know a lot of women feel very "used" and degraded by continuing to have sex while their H is involved with someone else...and it's hard not to, I have felt not so much degraded, I guess, but betrayed, terribly betrayed. But for me, I chose to maintain that part of our relationship, and seeing it as a choice helped me to not feel degraded. I also learned to have fun. I kept that part for several reasons: frankly (sadly) my lack of interest in sex was part of what helped make H susceptible to ow's come-ons....If I gave that up, he'd have REALLY been swept away by her...and she is quite knowledgeable in that area, I must say. I came to realize very late (almost too late) that sex is very important to H....duh........ It was also a warm connection for us, one that was there when very little else was. I'd have been a fool to cut the only connection I had. instead I tried to build on it. I became a pretty "hot" pursuer...which made H suspicious....finally after almost 2 years I think he believes my interest is "real" and permanent...
Somewhere I read also that "women have sex to feel loved, Men feel loved by having sex" or something like that...I also found an email from H to ow discussing sex, and H was saying that he felt sex was a way to feel connected and close to someone....I'd have been an absolute idiot to cut it off when I had the words straight from his mouth that he felt that way. Although it made me want to urp then and still does to think of it....I guess I am truly learning to detach that I can even talk about it (plus I'm not on AD's now and it's getting to be that emotional time of month)!!!!
I keep thinking of lots of analogies...broken strings on violins, cards in a poker hand....in regards to continuing to have sex or not. I guess I'll go with the hand of cards...you play the cards that get dealt in your hand, if you only have one good one deal with, you build your strategy around the one you've got.
Do you have any idea of what might have made your H feel susceptible to another person???? I don't mean to be cruel, and you don't have to answer that for me, but I really believe that identifying the factors that our h's perceived as lacking in the M, and what the get/got from the A, is a key to developing a strategy for drawing them back.
In my very humble .02 worth, your best bet is to be the best "you" you can be, recall what attracted him to you in the first place, and try to put the spot light on those factors. SHINE!!!!!!! be confident, happy, and radiate the fact that YOU are the better choice....and be patient.
having said all that, I hope I don't come across as a hypocrit (sp?) because lord knows I've gnashed my teeth and wept and wailed and literally nutsed out....all the while with wise people here telling me to do that same thing. they were right. it's just so danged hard to do.