Hi yoyogirl (I sure understand the name!) I'm honored to be called an inspiration, but if you go back very far in my threads, you will find that I was formerly known as the "Queen of Crazy Making"! I worked HARD to earn that title!!!

I don't have much time today at all, but will try to share a few quick thoughts/answers, and tommorrow I'll try to write more and look up your thread.

My H never left home, never said he wanted to...in fact would insist he didnt know what he wanted/was going to do, more than once bawled like a baby when I told him he needed to leave if he had to have her. Lately he told me that he was "terrified I'd lose all this, that it wouldnt be here", meaning our home and family and (I hope!)our M...He was confused for a long, long time.

H was also horribly confused for a long long time, he would flat out tell me he didnt know what he wanted, what he was going to do, more than once he told me the odds were "50/50" that he would decide to stay...that broke my heart, BUT even at the time I reminded myself that was a huge gain from the time he was ready to walk out the door. literally.

My H's a went on for over 2 years (5/03) and I suspect was emotional for 6 months before that. he told me that even recently (in last 6 months) he would find himself thinking "well maybe I should go there because she says I promised"....and then he would be heart broken at the thought of leaving home. He would tell me how confused he was.

the book is called "This Affair is Over", it's a small paperback, has questionairres, etc, and is designed to help the ow decide if/when to get out...it is no longer in print, but I think it's available on Ibis. I don't recall the author, will try to find her name. I found it encouraging.

I was fortunate that I got some really good coaching here. A friend here named Dawn asked me once what kind of a person I would be drawn to if I were H, and that helped me start formulating my "Ultimate Dirty Trick" strategy. Ellie and Sage would remind me often that I needed to work on DRAWING him back, that I couldnt pull him back but might be able to draw him back by making home a pleasant, peaceful enjoyabe place to be. I focused a lot of energy on that, and it worked, it is EXACTLY what H needed and exactly what ow was NOT capable of giving. VERY IMPORTANT in my sitch.
JJ the moderator posted somewhere here a question asking "what were your spouses 5 biggest complaints about your M" and "what are his 5 strongest stereotypes of you, and what could you do stand them on end"...that helped me immensely, I spent a lot of time defining that and then planning how to change in ways that related to that.

Now, here's an odd source of inspiration: we watched the silly movie "Bruce Almighty" and in it Bruce asks God "she'll come back won't she? and God answered "would you?" and then said "you be the miracle"...that shook me to my shoes, really hit home with me, and I focused a lot on being the "miracle" h was looking for. (I'd read a love letter from ow referring to that )...

I prayed a lot, for courage and guidance and strength and compassion and to be able to see H as God sees him and to become an earthly reflection of God's love for him. So if you find strength in faith, never underestimate that.

Another tremendous help for me was a post that someone (Christine E, I think) sent me early on called "The Special AS IF Attitude"...I printed it off and had it literally by my side for months, it really helped me a LOT, both in understanding and formulating a strategy.

You asked what the prognosis is...first let me say, I think that fact that your H is confused is a big +....obviously, he hasnt made up his mind that ow is what he wants. I know that's scant comfort, but it really is a plus.

I don't know how long you've been married, but if it's been a while, that is another +, and also if at one time you had a good R, that is a plus, it means there is a foundation under all the turmoil to rebuild on. There are so many factors that come into play, but the fact that he is confused to me means that there's still something there.

my obervation, and many people here told me this, is that ow tend to become nasty angry and demanding...more than once people have posted to me that in their sitchs, the ow got so nasty that they drove their H's right back home. The trick for us is to make home the place they run back to, and be able to stick it out. which is NOT easy...

I gotta go, will try to check back with you tomorrow. If I can help anybody through these awful times, I'd sure like to, the help I got here was so valuable, I don't think I'd be married if not for it.

been around awhile!