Deb - just a thought - have you and H settled into too much of a "just like it was before" rut? Just because he has given up OW doesn't mean he is over his MLC/Depression need for novelty , excitement, etc. - which may be why he is still filling that with OW drama.
What can you do to shakeup the routine at home? When he is wondering what the next interesting asurprise from you will be, he'll be thinking less about OW.
And can't you two get out of town to some place new and exciting for the weekend, just the two of you? I'm thinking less intimate B and B and more exciting city/NY/Paris or tropical beach paradise. Something different, with exciting new experiences for you to share.
I agree - it is MUCH easier. I was very fortunate - when my now H and I got back together, we moved very quickly elsewhere (he was already planning to). It helped a LOT to have a whole new place, and he threw everything out that might make me uncomfortable. I wish you'd be able to do that too - just start fresh, a new place - maybe further than we went (nearby town) and away from OW and bad memories.
But the next best thing - definitely, get away for a bit. I don't know what to say elsewise, except to keep doing things for yourself. Don't worry about weight per se', think about health. When you become more healthy (eat better, exercise more), the weight should come off. Do some core exercises - strength training, etc. All of this will help you deal with anything to come as well, giving you a better sense of well-being. Don't put yourself down in front of your H - that is VERY important. Honestly, you are just perpetuating what he thinks about you when he's down. Talk yourself up - accentuate the good points!!!! Please!
I just wanted to say also, that you should be definitely thankful that the OW didn't want anything to do with him now (or so he is saying). Hopefully it will make it easier for you, but he may have just ended right back up with her otherwise.
Hi Ellie, I know...I would love to go do ANYTHING...I am chomping at the bit, and H's response is "I'm not ready yet" to any thing, even little things that I suggest. sigh, so...I keep throwing out tiny ideas of stuff. hopefully one of these days he will "loosen up" a little.
My biggest fear is that we will slip back into our "rut" if we don't do things differently.
Hi dfb...I wish ow would move, frankly...I don't want to leave my home, UNLESS we moved someplace really fantastic..like where we vacation, but that would be a challenge.
I am working on myself, still, doing the circuit training (weights), weight watchers (which I didn't do well at this weekend)...I need to get to walking more for the aroebic benefits, but I'm sure further along than I was 2 years ago, so from that standpoint this whole mess has been a good thing.
I will work hard on being positive about myself...I guess I kind of let myself get pulled into a "pity party"funk when H is down, and i know you're absolutely right about not reinforcing his negative outlook.
When your H is down, just leave him be (unless he wants you there). Please don't ever say another unkind word about yourself in those cases (or in any other case!).
I sent my now-H way too many letters as we were breaking up (mostly emails). There was one thing he actually liked - I found that out later. The one where I listed a lot of the positives for us staying together (I listed 100). He told me that that was one thing he did want to keep (not sure where he has it). It wasn't emotional, it was just a practical list of all the good things from our R - stuff we enjoyed together, etc.
I don't know if it would work for you - but instead of all the negatives, you might want to accentuate the positive in that way. He keeps thinking about the negatives, and maybe he'd look at a list if he had one.
Anyway, just a thought. It is good that you are working out - I haven't really gained appreciable weight in the past year, but haven't lost any more either (I want to lose 40 more pounds or so). I am trying to add more strength training and core exercises, I don't just want to be thinner - I don't mind how I look, but I do want to be fit.
Focus on your overall health - not just your weight. I know that if I do that, the weight (or at least much of it) should come off.
Hi dfb...hmmmm, the list might be something fun/helpful for H....a LONG time ago, (last fall?) I wrote out a list of 110 things I loved about him, and he said how much he treasured it....I'm guessing he has it still, don't know for sure. Of course, the b---h ow also did a list, of 100 things she loved to do with him ...I did take advantage of the opportunity to mention to him at the time that there was a huge difference!
I know the weight shouldnt be the primary focus, but I really do need to get more off, quite a bit more unfortunately. However, when I mentioned how different things are from 2 years ago, I probably missed a chance to encourage myself...2 years ago I was so out of shape I could hardly walk out to feed the animals...it made my back hurt so much. now, I do that in just a few minutes without even thinking about it, walk with H (although not as easily as H does!) briskly for several miles, workout, garden, actually quite a bit of stuff I could hardly do at all back then. It was depressing for me, and I know didnt help our M at all...so, that is actually big progress!!!!!
Weekend update: weird, wild, roller coaster of the weekend. incredible. the good news is I think we are doing ok, in fact I believe H had some kind of huge breakthrough, and perhaps has finally resolved some of this in his mind.
I'm not sure what all took place in his phone convo. w/ow Thursday night, but obviously it stirred up all kinds of "stuff"...
Friday when I got home, we had lunch, then took a little nap to catch up from our exhaustion of the night before. H told me then that he was "sure sorry for last night and this morning"....we talked more about midlife stuff....he began to seem much more cheerful...later in the afternoon I went to the store, and as I was leaving he yelled "ILY" down the stairs...made me smile.
Saturday was pretty quiet, we had many discussions off and on about ow, their r, I learned more stuff that pretty much blew me away. ow is truly a total fruitcake. I'll post more about that. H mowed a lot on Saturday, I worked on cleaning the porch and weeding the garden. We talked about midlife issues more and more....H was very interested, said he'd been thinking about it, and it made a lot of sense. I told him about Helen Fischers' research on the brain in "infatuation", how her imaging showed the response was the same as some one using cocaine, and it lasts about 2 years...he sounded fascinated, and said "maybe that's it"...because it had seemed so "addictive"....said ow used to talk about getting her "fix" of him....
H's interest fascinated me, because I had mentioned this some before, and he would just blow up, and hear none of it.
H told me that his female co-worker in the out-of-town office knows about the A, because she has seen emails and heard them fighting on the phone...H said she told him "ow is a loser and you need to lose her"....and that I was the one he needed to be with, anyone can see that I am good for him and the other isn't, and that I'm so nice (???). H said that she has come into his office at lunch before and said he IS going walking with her, she's not going to let him sit by the phone and wait to get his butt chewed. Guess I better put that gal on my payroll! H also said the former secretary knew, and was jealous and pouty, kind of like "it should have been me"....(secretary had an A with a coworker, who did move out of town)and that ow was always jealous of the secretary.
H worked really hard mowing the yard Saturday, we went to church, watched a silly movie w/S12...just kind of vegged out.
Sunday things got really strange....we talked more about mid-life issues. I told h he could borrow my book...he thanked me and said he would like to, that it might help him understand better. this is DIFFERENT...he never wanted to hear a word about anything before... H fed the animals in the am, came back to bed afterwards...we both slept more, we were so exhuasted. About 9 AM he said he was going for a walk and would be back around noon. Said he needed to think things through, that he thought he really needed to work on forgiving his parents.... I just went about my business, was puttering in the kitchen when he walked in the door about 11:30...came up to me, hugged and held me and gave me a passionate kiss. I'd gotten my Conway MLC book, and showed it to him, saying "here's the book for you"; H said "thanks, I don't think I need it, I think I resolved my MLC" ??????????????????? I just said "OK"...
later he grilled steaks, and he was talking about ow...he looked at me with the most hurt and broken look on his face, and said "from a legal standpoint, I've been raped, kidnapped and assualted"...I'm sure reading this sounds like a pathetic ploy for sympathy on his part, but the look on his face was one of a broken person...someone who truly has been traumatized. I didnt find out about the rape, but I did find out about the other, and will post later.
H talked and talked and talked. said that he never had anyone he could discuss this with before, and now he can "kinda" talk about it with me and the other coworker....
at one point with tears running down his face he said how he is shocked and dismayed with himself, that he can't believe he was stupid (his words) enough to get so sucked in to something like that...that he knows better, it's just not him, how he let me down and let the kids down and let himself down....
Said that he was caught off guard by the whole thing, just "knocked off my feet" because he didnt expect it, "all I was looking for was a friend", it really messed him up...talked about going to the lake to go camping, (us!), having friends over for a barbeque, looking forward to vacation, etc.
Said when we went on vacation last fall, they'd gotten back together about 2 weeks before that, and he'd lied to her and said he was taking his Dad to Houston for cancer treatment because she always got so mad when he was gone.
said when he called her Thursday, he was wanting to put a "better end" on things because he felt so bad, but that it didnt work, she was still hateful and "chewed him up"...talked about how she tore him down and made him hate himself.
I told him how "bad" he had looked, how he looked gray and sick sometimes, or else purplish and sick, and he said he had actually vomited from the stress at times. I know he complained constantly about being sick. I told him he had the "deer in the headlights" look when it first started, and he said he probably did, he was so shocked and startled by it.
H said at one point that he'd been "the boss", and he'd enjoyed that, as he never really got to do that much...said knowingly to me "we're pretty much equals"...ummmm, well yeah.........
later he commented about how controlling ow was, how it was all a power play on her part, how she made such overwhelming and exhuasting demands, how she wanted "what she wants when she wants it" and there is no room for discussion or comprimise, just hell to pay if she doesnt get it. That he came to see that it would be real hell for anyone who went to live at her house...her demands would be insatiable, and she would "pitch you out the first time you crossed her"...I pointed out the contradiction with what he'd said earlier about being the boss, and he said, "well yeah, sometimes she would be real deferential about things, whatever I said, and that was great, but it wasnt very often, and all the rest of the time it was her way or else.
H said he had expected me to become the one making demands and setting deadlines, but instead I became the peaceful haven!!!!! so, yay! yes! I was right all along, and the plan worked!!!!!!
H had talked about being the boss as he was getting up from our nap, and I got naughty, told him "well, you are too the boss here"....he asked what I meant and I said "because if I was, I would tell you to take your clothes off and get back in this bed"....he asked "why, what do you want in a naughty way...I told him he needed to come find out, and he did it ...we ML and he had no performance problems, and I swear he had as good a time as I did.
h said he'd been trying hard to find a way out since christmas...
We talked and talked and talked. In the evening, I worked in the garden till almost dark, then went in...he was watching tv, and I sat in the chair beside his...he reached over and took my hand, and we actually sat holding hands for quite a while. I went to bed about 1/2 hour after he did, and as I was getting in bed, he said in his little sad voice "I need you to hold me really bad"...and of course I did.
This morning we talked more...rather he talked and I listened. He said he didnt want to be one of her "shoebox memorials", that he wanted all his stuff gone, and he thought he had made her mad enough that she would get rid of it...said that he didnt want her focusing on and remembering the good parts, and that was what she'd been doing (????? ) but he thought he'd taken care of that. He commented that this whole mess had sure made him appreciate me, and the peaceful life we have at home.
He put on his wedding ring. I was speechless, didnt say a word and tried to "act as if"...a few minutes later, he hugged me, then wiggled his finger at me, and said "see, I'm wearing my ring"...I said yes, I saw you put it on, and you don't know how much that means to me...he said "yes, I do, that's why I did it"...and told me how much he loves me.
I've only gotten one email today, after I sent him a 'how are you" one, but in it he said he'd enjoyed our time together and how nice it was to have our weekends back, and that he thought we would come to enjoy it more and more, and thanks for loving him, signed it "your D"...and so here I am, pondering pondering pondering.
I cant help but think this is a breakthrough. Oh yeah, also, he said the phone bill is down to 38.00 from over 90...so, that's progress!
ow truly is a mess. the more i find out about her, the more shocked i am. How on earth I ever thought she was something to envy. Even if H was gone from my life, I would not be like her.
Evidently she is one very nearly psychotic piece of work. H's diagnosis is borderline personality disorder...and he even mentioned he wondered if she was maybe MPD...because she can be so hateful and cruel and cold and ripping a person to shreds and then it's like she has no recollection of it. How then she'll flip to being so warm and loving....said it's "like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and I've seen way to much of Mr. Hyde"...is the way H describes it.
How she sets people up to be the bad guy...she really played the guilt cards (as I suspected) about how she'd given every thing up for him, done all this "for them", and then he let her down, let her D down. h said he'd observed her doing the same thing with her former live-in bf, how she'd used him and manipulated him and how cruel she had been to him...and he's really a nice guy (I don't know him, but H used to play softball with him)...
H said that while she was living with her ex-bf, carrying on with H and making plans to dump the live-in, there was a 3rd guy....at the same time....a guy named Ed who lives just a little ways from here. Ed sent her flowers, lots of flowers, and lots of emails (her favored mode of operation, I guess). Evidently the x-bf found the emails and confronted her about them, H said he didnt think x-bf ever knew about him (H). wow, 3 at once. I'm impressed. I think I already mentioned in an earlier post how she used to move from one guys house to another's....
I mentioned earlier that H said "from a legal standpoint I've been raped, kidnapped and assaulted" and he said "you don't know the worst of it and you never will"....that sent could chills down my spine.... I don't know what he meant about the rape stuff...I'm guessing he said "no" and she didnt take no for an answer...but anyway, not going there.
H said that he didnt know how to get out of it, and had a hard time figuring out how to, because he was afraid of what she might do, that he worried sometimes that she might show up at our house with a gun "or something"... as far as the other, he said that she had set her newest deadline for him leaving home to move in with her for this past month....June 1....D and SIL were here on that weekend. h had told her he wasnt doing it then...H went for one of his LOOOOOOOng walks that weekend.....and yes, the wh--e picked him up. So, yes, I was right again, that was what was going on ; H says it wasnt all the time on his long walks, just "sometimes on the real long ones"...so anyway, when he refused to leave home that weekend, she said "no, you're not going back, you're staying here", refused to take him home, made threats (I don't know what of), and ran from door to door trying to keep him from leaving. H said he finally got out of the house, told her he was calling 911 if she didnt let him and had the phone in his hand....and started walking home (it's about 12 miles, he'd have been good and late)....walked all through town and on to the highway, thinking maybe he could hitchhike, and then she came and picked him up. Took him to the "drop-off" point, dropped him off, and then tried to run him down with her vehicle. he managed to get out of the way and run, and then she swang the car around and came after him with the door open, trying to hit him with that. I don't know how he managed to get out of the way, I'm guessing it was on some exit ramps off the highway, and somehow he got down the side. I do remember being crazily anxious that day because he was gone so long, and that he looked like he'd been hit by a train when he got home. I remember I was at the store, and when I came in the drive way he literally ran out to the car saying he'd been trying to call me, and was kind of panicky. I'm guessing that was the assualt (more like battery, if you ask me), although commented "you don't know how many times I came close to calling 911"...
I cringed hearing this, told H I was frightened after the fact, and he said, "you don't have to worry, I think it's me she's after if anyone"...duh, he's the one I was worried about.
H said she would throw things at him if he ever made the mistake of glancing at his watch, so he'd have to try to sneak looks at the clocks in her house, that she stole his watch once and refused to give it back (another time he threatend to call 911)....
that she would always sneer at him "you're going back to your family" in a real hateful voice, that she was so jealous of the female coworker in the other office, the secretary, the kids (our kids) and of me....
That she would ask questions about us, and he would tell her our R was none of her business, and she would say "yes it is my business" and throw one hell of a fit...
Then I get to work this morning, and the Wh--e has parked in my parking place and is just getting out of her vehicle as I pull up... H said he had told her before to knock it off, and she'd said she had the right to park anywhere she wants...which is what i knew she'd do...It is still a way for her to torment me...but oh well. it occurred to me that I should put a sign on my dash that says "Living well is the best revenge" in big letters and then park next to her.... I feel certain she's just daring me to do something. This is her first day back at work since her "vacation", which H guesses she has found someone on the 'net and spent the vacation going to meet them....so her first new "shot" at me.
I'll be damned if I'll give her the satisfaction, though.
...I did take advantage of the opportunity to mention to him at the time that there was a huge difference!
so, yay! yes! I was right all along, and the plan worked!!!!!!
...we ML and he had no performance problems, and I swear he had as good a time as I did.