wow, back into the tunnel he goes. last night was very difficult. I got home late, H came up from downstairs (phoning ow place) just after I walked in the door, with "that look" on his face....I am now convinced that when I am so incredibly anxious, it's because I'm subconciously picking up on "something" from him, I don't know what it is but i know its there.
Anyway, H was really weird...was upset with me because I didnt bring him home any of the beer he likes (just last weekend he said not to buy it anymore)...went upstairs to go to bed, was cross with me when I passed him in the hall.
I told him he seemed awfully sad....and again the flood gates opened. We talked for hours, til about 1, after going to bed at 9:30. H was all over the place. talked about ow, he was obviously really mourning her again. said the music we'd listened to in the car had triggered lots of memories, and the demands of all the rushing and all the activities made him wonder if he does want to be here...complained about sex again ?????????...talked about how hard it is to give her up, and how there must be something more involved...that he's afraid of getting old, of getting depressed again, that he feels no joy in life except what he got from being with her. He talked about that he thinks it must be midlife "stuff", but that nothing is worth the trouble to do that he used to enjoy...depression. Said one reason he'd always stayed was because he was terrified of "losing this"...meaning home...said "I was always terrified it wouldnt be here, that I would lose it"
talked about how ow reminds him of his 1st love who broke his heart write out of college, how their eyes and walk and body build are similar, even their hair. How he wonders if he never really finished that relationship or letting go/grieveing it, and now is "replaying" that w/ow. that was his exact term: replay.
How his mother ended that 1st R, that she was adamant that that girl wasnt the "right kind" for him...and I fit the bill for the kind he should marry, so he did. ouch.
So then I told him what I've read/learned about mlc, and he was actually interested and receptive to hearing it. Said he thinks that's a lot of the problem. I told him about the stages, and he listened intently. Then he said "what am I supposed to do"....I don't know what I told him...other than that I knew you cant short-cut the process.
At one point, H said it wasnt good for him to be home alone last night, which mystified me because probably 45 minutes before that he had been telling me how he just needs me to leave him alone sometimes. I asked him if he had called her, and he said "no"....
He asked in the discussion if I thought he'd been better in our M when he was involved in the A, that he hadnt felt as emotionally shut down, etc., and felt like he was. I told him I didnt feel that way, that to me for the most part it was like he wasn't really here in "spirit", only physically, and most of the time that he anxious to take his body away as well. he seemed surprised.
I don't think H slept at all. When his alarm went off at 5:30, he was an absolutely hateful, grouchy bear. just nasty. I wound up in tears. too tired to help it.
I decided I would just come in to work early, so got up and showered, started getting dressed. H came into our room then, and said "you're really early", and I told him I'd decided I'd just go ahead and go to work. He asked why, told him I thought I'd just as well try to get stuff done. He said "I don't want you to go"...said he was sorry for being so hateful. then said he had lied last night, that he did call her, and that is what all his sadness and upset was about.
Said he thinks he is just now really realizing that the A is over and starting to grieve, that he thinks he's been just shutting it out. That she had told him that she has let it go and moved on and that that is what he needs to do also. and that from the neutral tone of her voice, he believes she was serious. I asked him what he had wanted to hear when he called, I'm not sure what he said....something I think about wanting to close it on a good note....that it's hard to really let go when all the anger and hostility is there.
Said she told him that I'm the one he loves and he just needs to accept that the other is over...that she would always be an outsider. he cried a lot as he talked.
I told him "thank you for sharing that with me" when he said he'd lied and he'd called her. I told him that at least I knew now that I wasnt crazy, that I knew there was something besides music, etc., under his mood. I told him he really has a lousy poker face.
I am just so tired I cant even think right now. I don't know how i should respond to his confession that he called her. I'm kind of curious as to why he even told me, came right out and said "I lied" (again). I'm proud that I was able to just calmly and sincerely say "thank you for sharing that with me"...I guess being brain dead has it's perks.
H made the comment that "it's only been 6 weeks since the break up, so maybe I'm not doing so badly" meaning being so distraught still.
So, I don't know what to think, what to do. I'm just sort of in a holding pattern right now. Of course I'm scared to death that it will all start up again, although he swears it won't, that there's nothing for me to worry about, that he needs time to let go of that before he can really invest in "us"...
If any one has any thoughts to share besides choking H, I could really benefit from hearing them.
I guess it is a positive that he listened and was interested in the mlc stuff. He actually used to cuss at me when I'd mention that, threw a book at me once. And he said this morning that the discussion in the night was helpful. After saying when he got up that he needed to just learn to keep his damn mouth shut because talking about it didnt do any good.
