I have had some anxious moments the last 2 days, and I'm not sure why other than the time of month always makes it harder. Oh, actually I do know part of it...yesterday I was sorting through some old papers, and came across an email. From H to me. On February 12, 2004. making plans for V-Day, suggesting I should get champagne and he'd take S to his folks for a festival and be home around 5 and have to "do paperwork" on Monday.....bleh, it just all came back in a nasty rush. Old timers might even remember me posting about that way back then, I was SO EXCITED that H suggested champagne, etc., then later I realized he spent that Friday morning (day before) w/ow, spent V-day with her till about 5 (lied about being at in-laws), lied to in-laws that I couldnt go there for supper because I was ill, THEN spent that Monday doing Paperwork (AKA ow)...ick....those memories are still very painful, can still just about put me over the top...anyway, I know that's where a lot of my anxiousness started.
So, last night, H went for a walk...I stayed home that time and watered flowers and talked to S...it was weird, because it seemed that H was gone a LONG time, I was getting "antsy" about how long he was gone...then, weirdly, It turned out he'd gotten home, gone in the house, and was lifting weights. had been home quite some time. Don't know how I missed him.
We both still have jet-lag from the weekend, H mentioned he was turning in early, I told him I'd be up soon...when I went up, H was in bed but not asleep....and he initiated again, and had NO PROBLEMS again....and seemed plenty pleased.
I am really puzzled by the change in his attitude and performance in the last 2 weeks...I know it's only been about 2 weeks ago that nothing suited him in the sexual arena....I've been doing kegels, but they dont' work that fast! which means that yes, it has to be mostly emotional....so does this mean he's getting past whatever it was that was getting to him????? I only hope it's permanent.
This morning, I mentioned to him that I'm still off and on kinda anxious, and told him different things "spark" it...he said again I have nothing to worry about. I told him I'd come across an old email....he looked kind of mystified and asked "where?". I told him it was the one from him to me proposing a hot weekend for V-Day a year and 1/2 ago, and he said, "well we did have a hot weekend" and I said he sure did, anyway, with all his "courting" in 2 places. I told him he was so damned tired that weekend he didnt know which end was up. he agreed that he'd actually had 2 "hot" weekends, and that yes he was so tired he couldnt keep his eyes open. We actually wound up laughing about it. I don't know now what was so humorous, but the laughter was sincere. I think I was remembering the dazed "where am I" look on his face, it really is kind of comical looking back. I did comment that I thought it was good that we are getting to the place of being able to laugh about it, and he agreed. I sure would have never ever thought I could laugh about it.
This morning I had an email that he ended with "love you"...which means a lot, and helps a lot. I used to so long to get a few of those.
I got a second one that said "Actually I think we're doing pretty darned good" and that he's looking forward to the weekend and watching a goofy movie...That was encouraging as well.
I do wish he'd wear his wedding ring more... but maybe that will come as well, I know it is snug, and he wants to lose weight rather than get it enlarged...but still. it would just be a nice thing for me...of course then there were the days when I knew he was taking it off and that drove me nuts. ah, well...
oh yeah, he asked this morning how he'd go about getting a new cell phone because the one he has now is shot. That also added to my anxiousness, because he's spent HOURS on the phone w/ow. It's fine with me if his cell phone doesnt work.
I wonder how darn long it takes for this to go away???? of course, if anything starts back up, it will really throw me into a spin. I guess that's part of the problem, the waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's just hard to quit waiting, even when he is so adamant that there is nothing to worry about.
