Deb, it takes time to get through the anxiety. I still do it sometimes too, but it's getting better. The more time goes by, the more you trust and the less anxious you get. Remember to not take personally his less personal e-mails. He is getting comfortable with you. And he might be really busy. When my H is at work, he's all about work and can't be bothered with much else. I usually don't hear from him at all during the day. It's hard, but I have to remind myself that it isn't always about me. Keep letting him initiate contact for awhile. You don't want to get that clingy look to you!
I'm happy for you and your family. You've worked so hard and been through so much. I guess things really do have to get worse before they get better, huh!
Hi Mollie, your post is timely, as I'm having kind of a bleh day, and the anxiety is wanting to push me hard...so far I'm pushing back, and not doing too badly. but I'm always surprised at how strong it still is. So, I sure needed to hear this:
Quote: Keep letting him initiate contact for awhile. You don't want to get that clingy look to you!
So true. and today I could have that "clingy look" because frankly I feel clingy. I've been thinking though about what is causing this, and I know there are several things: H and I are both really tired today after the whirlwind holiday weekend, so there's not much chit-chat & no ml the last couple days; my period started, ALWAYS guaranteed to send me clutching for him; H seems sad sometimes, and that makes me anxious to think that he's missing her so much, and H took his ring off to go walking last night and he didnt put it back on this morning ---sigh. I know I should have no expectations about it, and I didnt say anything about it, but still it would have been so nice and so reassuring if he was wearing it.
And not much email from him today.
Before work this morning I actually backslid a little....I was just feeling tired and icky, and H was his usual preoccupied with getting to work self, and as we were hugging good-bye, I said "Are we going to make it?" stupid question, but it just jumped out.
H got kind of irritated at that, and I honestly can't blame him. he said "why do you bring this up now, "that other thing" is way over. We've made it 26 years, why wouldnt we make it more??? I havent done anything to get an a$$ chewing for"...
I told him I didnt mean to chew his a$$, and that I didnt have any reason to think we wouldnt/be upset with anything he had done, but that it just still hasnt soaked in yet that it really is over, and that I'm having a hard time letting it soak in...H said "well, let it soak in!"....
So, I need to focus on what i need to do to get on with my life and the good stuff in "our" life. It just really does take a while. and it's hard not to be anxious.
I know that if we can get some of the stuff caught up around the house we will both feel better, and if indeed the phone bill goes down and H keeps being more demonstrative at times, it will help in a fairly short time.
Deb - things look good, congratulations! BUT, and this is a big one - do not put yourself down! Don't call yourself a fat slob, or boring, or predictable. The affair was not about you - it was about your H. That said, you can make changes in your health, in your weight, in what you want to do on a day to day basis (there is nothing wrong with being predictable a lot of the time, but its fun to do things different occasionally!)
Be regular in working out - take walks with your H, get strength training, do Pilates, etc. You can change your life from here on out if you choose to. But don't put yourself down!
Yes, you are very right about the negative thinking, putting one's self down. I try to avoid that. BUT that day I guess I was NOT in a frame of mind to be trying on things in a dressing room...bad move....plus I felt like the Pillsbury Doughboy that day before I even looked in the mirror. It just got the better of me and popped out of my mouth. but I guess maybe it will be motivating??????
I know thinking of oneself as boring is not good either, but I have come to realize just how damned predictable I am....It has to be less than exciting after all these years. so, maybe the + side of that is to find little ways to "spice things up"...or at least keep working to find them!
I do intend to change my life, at the very least to get the darned weight off...that in itself would help bring about some changes. It just all takes time, and patience is just about the dirtiest word I know!
I am kind of excited about weight watchers though. I actually was up #wise by 2 , but I am really just getting started this week and I am much more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth and how much! yesterday I was actually a tiny bit under my point total...so I have hopes that maybe this combined with the circuit training and walking will eventually pay off -- like by this time next year. Surely the scale will start to go down soon.
I have had some anxious moments the last 2 days, and I'm not sure why other than the time of month always makes it harder. Oh, actually I do know part of it...yesterday I was sorting through some old papers, and came across an email. From H to me. On February 12, 2004. making plans for V-Day, suggesting I should get champagne and he'd take S to his folks for a festival and be home around 5 and have to "do paperwork" on Monday.....bleh, it just all came back in a nasty rush. Old timers might even remember me posting about that way back then, I was SO EXCITED that H suggested champagne, etc., then later I realized he spent that Friday morning (day before) w/ow, spent V-day with her till about 5 (lied about being at in-laws), lied to in-laws that I couldnt go there for supper because I was ill, THEN spent that Monday doing Paperwork (AKA ow)...ick....those memories are still very painful, can still just about put me over the top...anyway, I know that's where a lot of my anxiousness started.
So, last night, H went for a walk...I stayed home that time and watered flowers and talked to S...it was weird, because it seemed that H was gone a LONG time, I was getting "antsy" about how long he was gone...then, weirdly, It turned out he'd gotten home, gone in the house, and was lifting weights. had been home quite some time. Don't know how I missed him.
We both still have jet-lag from the weekend, H mentioned he was turning in early, I told him I'd be up soon...when I went up, H was in bed but not asleep....and he initiated again, and had NO PROBLEMS again....and seemed plenty pleased.
I am really puzzled by the change in his attitude and performance in the last 2 weeks...I know it's only been about 2 weeks ago that nothing suited him in the sexual arena....I've been doing kegels, but they dont' work that fast! which means that yes, it has to be mostly emotional....so does this mean he's getting past whatever it was that was getting to him????? I only hope it's permanent.
This morning, I mentioned to him that I'm still off and on kinda anxious, and told him different things "spark" it...he said again I have nothing to worry about. I told him I'd come across an old email....he looked kind of mystified and asked "where?". I told him it was the one from him to me proposing a hot weekend for V-Day a year and 1/2 ago, and he said, "well we did have a hot weekend" and I said he sure did, anyway, with all his "courting" in 2 places. I told him he was so damned tired that weekend he didnt know which end was up. he agreed that he'd actually had 2 "hot" weekends, and that yes he was so tired he couldnt keep his eyes open. We actually wound up laughing about it. I don't know now what was so humorous, but the laughter was sincere. I think I was remembering the dazed "where am I" look on his face, it really is kind of comical looking back. I did comment that I thought it was good that we are getting to the place of being able to laugh about it, and he agreed. I sure would have never ever thought I could laugh about it.
This morning I had an email that he ended with "love you"...which means a lot, and helps a lot. I used to so long to get a few of those.
I got a second one that said "Actually I think we're doing pretty darned good" and that he's looking forward to the weekend and watching a goofy movie...That was encouraging as well.
I do wish he'd wear his wedding ring more... but maybe that will come as well, I know it is snug, and he wants to lose weight rather than get it enlarged...but still. it would just be a nice thing for me...of course then there were the days when I knew he was taking it off and that drove me nuts. ah, well...
oh yeah, he asked this morning how he'd go about getting a new cell phone because the one he has now is shot. That also added to my anxiousness, because he's spent HOURS on the phone w/ow. It's fine with me if his cell phone doesnt work.
I wonder how darn long it takes for this to go away???? of course, if anything starts back up, it will really throw me into a spin. I guess that's part of the problem, the waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's just hard to quit waiting, even when he is so adamant that there is nothing to worry about.
wow, back into the tunnel he goes. last night was very difficult. I got home late, H came up from downstairs (phoning ow place) just after I walked in the door, with "that look" on his face....I am now convinced that when I am so incredibly anxious, it's because I'm subconciously picking up on "something" from him, I don't know what it is but i know its there.
Anyway, H was really weird...was upset with me because I didnt bring him home any of the beer he likes (just last weekend he said not to buy it anymore)...went upstairs to go to bed, was cross with me when I passed him in the hall.
I told him he seemed awfully sad....and again the flood gates opened. We talked for hours, til about 1, after going to bed at 9:30. H was all over the place. talked about ow, he was obviously really mourning her again. said the music we'd listened to in the car had triggered lots of memories, and the demands of all the rushing and all the activities made him wonder if he does want to be here...complained about sex again ?????????...talked about how hard it is to give her up, and how there must be something more involved...that he's afraid of getting old, of getting depressed again, that he feels no joy in life except what he got from being with her. He talked about that he thinks it must be midlife "stuff", but that nothing is worth the trouble to do that he used to enjoy...depression. Said one reason he'd always stayed was because he was terrified of "losing this"...meaning home...said "I was always terrified it wouldnt be here, that I would lose it"
talked about how ow reminds him of his 1st love who broke his heart write out of college, how their eyes and walk and body build are similar, even their hair. How he wonders if he never really finished that relationship or letting go/grieveing it, and now is "replaying" that w/ow. that was his exact term: replay.
How his mother ended that 1st R, that she was adamant that that girl wasnt the "right kind" for him...and I fit the bill for the kind he should marry, so he did. ouch.
So then I told him what I've read/learned about mlc, and he was actually interested and receptive to hearing it. Said he thinks that's a lot of the problem. I told him about the stages, and he listened intently. Then he said "what am I supposed to do"....I don't know what I told him...other than that I knew you cant short-cut the process.
At one point, H said it wasnt good for him to be home alone last night, which mystified me because probably 45 minutes before that he had been telling me how he just needs me to leave him alone sometimes. I asked him if he had called her, and he said "no"....
He asked in the discussion if I thought he'd been better in our M when he was involved in the A, that he hadnt felt as emotionally shut down, etc., and felt like he was. I told him I didnt feel that way, that to me for the most part it was like he wasn't really here in "spirit", only physically, and most of the time that he anxious to take his body away as well. he seemed surprised.
I don't think H slept at all. When his alarm went off at 5:30, he was an absolutely hateful, grouchy bear. just nasty. I wound up in tears. too tired to help it.
I decided I would just come in to work early, so got up and showered, started getting dressed. H came into our room then, and said "you're really early", and I told him I'd decided I'd just go ahead and go to work. He asked why, told him I thought I'd just as well try to get stuff done. He said "I don't want you to go"...said he was sorry for being so hateful. then said he had lied last night, that he did call her, and that is what all his sadness and upset was about.
Said he thinks he is just now really realizing that the A is over and starting to grieve, that he thinks he's been just shutting it out. That she had told him that she has let it go and moved on and that that is what he needs to do also. and that from the neutral tone of her voice, he believes she was serious. I asked him what he had wanted to hear when he called, I'm not sure what he said....something I think about wanting to close it on a good note....that it's hard to really let go when all the anger and hostility is there.
Said she told him that I'm the one he loves and he just needs to accept that the other is over...that she would always be an outsider. he cried a lot as he talked.
I told him "thank you for sharing that with me" when he said he'd lied and he'd called her. I told him that at least I knew now that I wasnt crazy, that I knew there was something besides music, etc., under his mood. I told him he really has a lousy poker face.
I am just so tired I cant even think right now. I don't know how i should respond to his confession that he called her. I'm kind of curious as to why he even told me, came right out and said "I lied" (again). I'm proud that I was able to just calmly and sincerely say "thank you for sharing that with me"...I guess being brain dead has it's perks.
H made the comment that "it's only been 6 weeks since the break up, so maybe I'm not doing so badly" meaning being so distraught still.
So, I don't know what to think, what to do. I'm just sort of in a holding pattern right now. Of course I'm scared to death that it will all start up again, although he swears it won't, that there's nothing for me to worry about, that he needs time to let go of that before he can really invest in "us"...
If any one has any thoughts to share besides choking H, I could really benefit from hearing them.
I guess it is a positive that he listened and was interested in the mlc stuff. He actually used to cuss at me when I'd mention that, threw a book at me once. And he said this morning that the discussion in the night was helpful. After saying when he got up that he needed to just learn to keep his damn mouth shut because talking about it didnt do any good.
And if I can say that with my record, shall I just say Relax and Enjoy the day. 
---sigh. I know I should have no expectations about it, and I didnt say anything about it, but still it would have been so nice and so reassuring if he was wearing it. 
stupid question, but it just jumped out. 
, but I am really just getting started this week and I am much more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth and how much! yesterday I was actually a tiny bit under my point total...so I have hopes that maybe this combined with the circuit training and walking will eventually pay off -- like by this time next year. Surely the scale will start to go down soon.