This is the thread...........

[Just_Me]

In light of Bruce's comment that sometimes they need to talk and we need to listen I decided to give myself a chance to do that.

So here's the skinny. I snooped. I know...not that smart. I saw an e-mail she sent to a friend explaining that she hadn't written or talked to her because her self-esteem was in the gutter. Basically what I thought anyway. She told her it's better now, but I can't really tell.

So after reading that I felt sad for her and wanted to at least give her the opportunity to express something if she wanted. I called her up and said "got any plans for tonight? If not I'd like to take you and the kids out to dinner." We had a joking conversation revolving around how her "social calender was booked." I sensed the self-esteem thing though....she talked about it so sarcastically like "I have no social life". But she accepted the invite. Bruce, you want to try it?

The annoying thing was that she was talking to a friend when it came around time for supper. I tried to get ahold of her but couldn't. I puttered around the house and then decided I'd go ahead and go to the grocery store. I left a message saying I was going and we could just do dinner some other time (not angry...I normally would have been upset and indicated it). She did finally call me back and her first words were "I'm sorry", followed by "I'm really sorry". So we ended up going to dinner since I hadn't eaten anyway. Supper was fine. The kids were sweet if a little rowdy. Her son wanted to stay over and so did her daughter once she thought we could go to the movie. But I had to beg off....I didn't sleep more than a few hours last night and really need to hit the sack early.

Anyway, once we got back here the kids went to walk the dog and we sat in her car and talked. Some deep stuff but not R talk or anything to do with us. She has some hypochondriacal stuff going on that I sympathized with. I finally asked straight out..."how are you doing" and she just said she needed to figure out the job situation and then turned it back on me to ask how I was doing. I said "okay", but I'm not sure how convincing that was.

NO TOUCHING TONIGHT. But I didn't get much of a read from her at all.

Part of my incentive tonight and something I reminded myself before going was that I wanted to look at my X and her kids and seriously ask myself whether this is what I want or if I'm better off being D. Whether I should just cut all ties and move on or not. Her kids like me and I like them, but when I'm not around they don't seem to miss me. I didn't get an answer tonight to what I wanted answered. My heart says I love her and we can work out our differences, etc., but my head analyzes the current situation and what a future with her would look like and says it will be easier to just let go. She looks less desirable than she did several months ago (she is really thin now...too thin...but it's not just the physical thing. I just don't feel as drawn to her)...and we don't "connect". I'm wondering if perhaps my own love tank is getting low.

Which brings me to this question. If there is a love tank and if we don't work on filling it using their love language it goes empty, then why hasn't mine and the rest of yours emptied out completely long ago? She certainly isn't making any deposits. So how could I still feel love? Must be that we keep it full ourselves.