Don't forget guys, that our venus minds don't always want you to 'fix' the problem. We just need someone who will 'listen'.
I know that doesn't help much on the legs issue, since females can be self conscious and if you don't say just the right thing or say nothing at all, it could be taken negatively! All I'm trying to say is, whether there is an R or not, there is no good answer to that question! Hmm, it's actually curious why she asked it?!
I am also having the same kind of day here; not working is giving me way too much time on my hands. T
"where I get my X back". I'm running out of space on this thread and not having a whole lot of success.
Anyway, I think that my X is having a difficult time of it. She was passed over for a job she wanted and still doesn't have a full time one lined up. There is another one vacated by the person that took the job she wanted, but it's probably not exactly what she wanted.
This segues into my update. She called several times yesterday. Both just for little favors, but contact nonetheless. I called her later to ask if she did get concert tickets (that was part of the favor) and also if she got the job. I just left it on the answering machine. She didn't call back. So naturally I called her this morning (being the dope I am). She said she had dropped off her kids, went to the gym, and then got drunk. Smashed actually. By herself. My suspicion is that she was trying to drown some sadness or something. Although maybe she just got wasted by herself for fun....although that isn't like her. I asked if she got tickets and we talked about that for quite a bit. I wish I was a better listener. The words were pouring out of her like she just needed to speak. You know, I've heard the average person listens for only 17 seconds before they break in to speak. I'm going to time myself. Anyway, I did ask about the job. She didn't speak much...it was more like drawing it out of her. Oh well.
I'm getting to the end of the love languages book. I was amazed by the lady that was willing to do six months of just loving her husband when she at the moment felt hate for him. She did the H love language despite not feeling like it. I wish I had the opportunity to speak my X's love language but I'm not even sure what it is. It might be quality time.
Well that's all for now. Just typing to hear myself think. Hope you all have a great day. You know what? Life is good.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
In light of Bruce's comment that sometimes they need to talk and we need to listen I decided to give myself a chance to do that.
So here's the skinny. I snooped. I know...not that smart. I saw an e-mail she sent to a friend explaining that she hadn't written or talked to her because her self-esteem was in the gutter. Basically what I thought anyway. She told her it's better now, but I can't really tell.
So after reading that I felt sad for her and wanted to at least give her the opportunity to express something if she wanted. I called her up and said "got any plans for tonight? If not I'd like to take you and the kids out to dinner." We had a joking conversation revolving around how her "social calender was booked." I sensed the self-esteem thing though....she talked about it so sarcastically like "I have no social life". But she accepted the invite. Bruce, you want to try it?
The annoying thing was that she was talking to a friend when it came around time for supper. I tried to get ahold of her but couldn't. I puttered around the house and then decided I'd go ahead and go to the grocery store. I left a message saying I was going and we could just do dinner some other time (not angry...I normally would have been upset and indicated it). She did finally call me back and her first words were "I'm sorry", followed by "I'm really sorry". So we ended up going to dinner since I hadn't eaten anyway. Supper was fine. The kids were sweet if a little rowdy. Her son wanted to stay over and so did her daughter once she thought we could go to the movie. But I had to beg off....I didn't sleep more than a few hours last night and really need to hit the sack early.
Anyway, once we got back here the kids went to walk the dog and we sat in her car and talked. Some deep stuff but not R talk or anything to do with us. She has some hypochondriacal stuff going on that I sympathized with. I finally asked straight out..."how are you doing" and she just said she needed to figure out the job situation and then turned it back on me to ask how I was doing. I said "okay", but I'm not sure how convincing that was.
NO TOUCHING TONIGHT. But I didn't get much of a read from her at all.
Part of my incentive tonight and something I reminded myself before going was that I wanted to look at my X and her kids and seriously ask myself whether this is what I want or if I'm better off being D. Whether I should just cut all ties and move on or not. Her kids like me and I like them, but when I'm not around they don't seem to miss me. I didn't get an answer tonight to what I wanted answered. My heart says I love her and we can work out our differences, etc., but my head analyzes the current situation and what a future with her would look like and says it will be easier to just let go. She looks less desirable than she did several months ago (she is really thin now...too thin...but it's not just the physical thing. I just don't feel as drawn to her)...and we don't "connect". I'm wondering if perhaps my own love tank is getting low.
Which brings me to this question. If there is a love tank and if we don't work on filling it using their love language it goes empty, then why hasn't mine and the rest of yours emptied out completely long ago? She certainly isn't making any deposits. So how could I still feel love? Must be that we keep it full ourselves.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I see no words of wisdom regarding previous post. But I thought about things last night and this morning while reading the love languages book. These are my two revelations and most of you already had them I'm sure.
1) I realized that I don't feel good about interactions with my X unless I've spoken my own love language (physical touch), but what I should be doing is speaking hers and just waiting for the tank to fill. I think Bruce had it right with either quality time or WOA. I've tried to give both. I suspect the talking part of QT is key. I just have a habit of touching her in some way (ie hand on neck/shoulder or small of back), but I think it's just that I'm letting my way of showing love come through. I think if I'm going to attempt to fill her love tank that I have to do it the right way.
The flip side of this thought is that I might not be looking at her actions, etc the right way. I expect/want physical touch. I want to give and recieve love in that way. I haven't been looking that hard at how she may in fact be giving some affection/love. If she wants QT or WOA perhaps she is giving back to me in that way. So we spend quality time together and she may be showing her affection that way, but it isn't enough for me. I have noticed sometimes that when she is most sweet to me that she also does AOS, but I'm just not sure that's her LL. She didn't complain about me helping out much. Anyway, I'm just saying that maybe I need to pay more attention.
2) I was reading the LL for children and it got me thinking that I want to speak my X's LL, but I haven't looked hard at my kids' LL. So I decided I should be focusing more in that area. My kids love me unconditionally and I while I show my love to them, I haven't been giving nearly as much attention to my R with them as I have with my X that abandoned ship. I know that my X's kids are PT and WOA. Her D is always just crying for WOA. Now my kids are harder. My oldest I think is PT and perhaps my youngest is receiving gifts. But I think for the most part I give them a fair amount of each category, especially QT, gifts, and PT. Maybe I need to pay more attention and drop in more WOA. I think I'll spend the next couple weeks focused on making sure I know their LL and applying it.
That's all I wanted to say for the day. Don't know if anyone will find any useful info there, but I'm mainly thinking out loud. Have a good day everyone.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You hit the proverbial nail upside the head. We were busying show how we felt in the way we wanted, we failed to show or tell them how we felt in the way they needed.
I once, early on in the desperation days recalled to her all the wonderful things I used to do for her and she said, "It wasn't enough." Talk about being kicked in the head.
So fellas if we want another chance, LISTEN and as Wes suggests, pay attention.
You hit the proverbial nail upside the head. We were busying show how we felt in the way we wanted, we failed to show or tell them how we felt in the way they needed.
I once, early on in the desperation days recalled to her all the wonderful things I used to do for her and she said, "It wasn't enough." Talk about being kicked in the head.
So fellas if we want another chance, LISTEN and as Wes suggests, pay attention.
I'm going to be the one to disrupt the discussion here today! (W-I did read your post yesterday, but so busy w/Gal that I didn't bother to respond-sorry!)
The discussion I want to bring up was how we didn't give the WAS enough of what they needed during the M but that also meant we stopped living our own lives in doing this. Giving up the things that we enjoyed in order to keep the spouse happy.
How does anyone correct this sitch? It could be impossible. We can either focus on ourselves which would probably be the best thing to do or we focus on finding their LL. I think most of our exS are not at the point to even 'allow' us to fill their love banks right now.
All we can do is hope that the past brings up some of the memories of when we did do that for them.
I believe that my ex LL was physical touch. There is no way for me to fill that anymore since we are no longer in physical contact. Mine is QT, but even his 2hr phone call seemed lacking in something there. Therefore, I am moving on more and more everyday.
I like the fact that you are focusing on the k's ll at this time, Wes.
