I understand how you feel.On the one hand your divorced so it ok to go out with someone new.On the other it feels like cheating a bit.
I remember last year I went out with a guy for the first time.I enjoyed our date.But I was still thinking about stbx.I had been seperated a year by then.I thought I was ready.But by the end of the date I knew I wasn't .Not if I was still thinking about stbx.
Now fastforward a year later.I'm seeing a nice man.casually.I enjoy his company and he mine.But we understand that we are not serious.I'm good with that.I know I'm not ready for love yet.
So as long as your both in agreement that your casual then it should be ok.But you need to have a talk with her and let her know.That way she can decide if that is what she wants.I'm willing to bet she will like the idea.After all she is still fresh from her divorce.And most people don't want to be serious right out of the starting gate.
You wont know what she wants until you ask her.
Later friend Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
"UD-I'll do your opinion for you..."Wes, this is psychotic. You were making headway with your X. What possessed you to look elsewhere?" Is that about right?"
I couldnt have said it any better. But I am a straight arrow (what a bummer) and you are anything but and so that is just MHO. You are probably just going to go blundering through this whole LBS thing and come out of the other end in some as-yet-undetermined-shape, while I am going to shoot through like a self-respecting straight arrow should and get stuck in a tree or something. We are all victims of our personality. Long story short - I dont know what the heck you are doing and I dont know what the heck I am doing. We are both in the same boat, dude.....(or as my old friends used to say - we are the same [censored], just different bathrooms)
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Interesting things on your threads. Sorry I haven't posted my terrible advice. I've just had very limited time. I posted some of my weekend on the inspiration thread because I am inspired.
So what's happened with my sitch? Well, My PMA is great and I think maybe she sees the difference in me. My PMA is soaring and I hope it never goes back down.
Let's see...Friday night and Saturday afternoon I went to a swim meet out of town. Had the best time with my boys. We laughed and joked and just had fun. I did get the opportunity to largely finish the love languages book. I'm physical touch. My X went to a concert by herself 400 miles away from home. I did call to make sure she made it okay, but no answer. She called back the next day to tell me she had driven all the way back home after the concert and was fine. Good convo. She liked the concert and we discussed her late night drive. Saturday I tried multiple times because it was her son's b-day but no answer. I did finally talk to her on Sunday and talked to my x-step son. He had a good b-day I guess and liked the present from me.
Then the excellent concert. Wow! I'm still moved. I didn't devote all the time to X. I called K on Sat. morning and after the concert. It was nice talking to her as well. I called X on Monday morning to tell her about the concert. So I guess I can't say I actually let go, but I've kept everything in the moment. No us talk or anything that even implies us.
Since I've got back we went out to eat for her b-day. We really connected over dinner and she initiated a hug after it. The only touching I've done the entire time has been to rub her arms when she had goosebumps. She called first thing Tues. and then dropped by. I've kept her kids for part of this time since they wanted to hang out with us. We went to lunch and the waterpark yesterday and we all had a good time. My X just stayed behind to work (thankfully since I don't want to deal with a half dressed X).
Last night she said her uncle wanted to take her to dinner for her b-day and wanted me to come along. I said I had all the kids and didn't think I'd go. She said.."it won't be very long. They'll be okay for a bit by themselves." This is completely out of character. She isn't this way...especially since she has complained my kids are too rough with her son and now she's suggesting my oldest watch everyone. Not at all usual behavior. She really seemed to want me there. She also kind of invited herself to the movie with us and then suggested that since we had seen the movie the kids were going to that we should go to a different one. I was proud of myself for not putting my arm around her or any touching at all (yes, at previous movies I have put my arm around her). We went to wedding crashers. I thought it was hilarious. After the movie we parted ways but it was on a good note at least. She said she got the most kick out of listening to me laugh.
This is getting long but I'll bring it up to present. She called to ask if I wanted to go to breakfast and we talked a bit about some other issues. Haven't went to breakfast yet, but will shortly I expect.
There is just a different feel here. Since this weekend I feel like I can take or leave interactions with her and most of the expectations are gone. I can and will go on without her in my life if that's how it is going to be.
There, now you don't have to worry anymore that I somehow went dark on the X. I hope you're all having a good day. I've missed you all.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hey, I missed you and your lightness on the forum too. Good to have you back and to have you to balance all the heavies on this forum (myself included- I am too "heavy", too Buddhist, I need to lighten up).
I am really curious to see what this "new" Wes is going to be like.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I don't think I ever reported this, but the couple W and I bought our house from were divorcing when they sold it to us. According to my next-door-neighbor, they reunited ~ 1 yr later and moved to Tennessee together. Both were in their early 50s, so had to have been married 20+ years. She seemed to be going thru some sort of life change (menopause or MLC?), and he seemed sheepish/guilty (affair?). She was very angry at him at the time - spittin' mad. Reminds me of W on many recent occassions (ouch!). I recall her exercising a lot, tanning a lot, and acting indifferent to him. Being the clueless me, I never put 2 and 2 together. I also recall with curiosity how W delegated all house-purchase negotiations to me, giving me free reign on the price and dealings. And this was with me telling her I wanted her to be a part of it.
I'm going out to dinner with the neighbor tomorrow night, so I'll try to get the specifics then. Anyway, they did reconcile - which is the bottom line.
No, I'm here. I just had the week off and spent it with my boys and with my nephew. Tomorrow back to work. Ugghhh
We've had a good time. Movies, water park, white water rafting, swim meet. It's been relaxing and was real helpful in getting some of the anxiousness surrounding the X out of my head.
In case you are wondering....there isn't another woman anymore. I think she sensed my indifference or something and moved on.
So updates: Wednesday the boys and I drove to Montana for white water rafting. I didn't call at all, but she did eventually call me to tell me about this bad storm that occurred here and that maybe I would need to have the insurance guy come by to look for damage. We had a nice discussion about this job she applied for.
When we got back she dropped by to drop off her son who wanted to stay with us. After the swim meet she kept asking what we had planned, but I had plans already so I just took her son with us to a picnic thing and didn't really tell her exactly what we were doing. She called this morning and we set up a biking thing. When I didn't come over right away she called back and feigned that she was mad, but didn't seem to be. After biking she invited us out to a lake for some swimming. We just got done with that.
Potential positives: Fair amount of joking around. I've picked her up a few times threatening to throw her in the water and she didn't do any struggling. She looked at me while I held her and didn't act like she even wanted to get down. She keeps asking what we are going to do. I actually have been fairly good about not inviting her to anything.
Well, gotta make dinner. I'll write a little more later if I think of something. I see there are quite a few new ones on here which is a bummer and I should try making them welcome.
Have a nice night. "See" you later.
W
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hope all is well for you. Today isn't that great for me. For some reason I feel anxious. Every once in a while the reality of my situation hits me and I start thinking that I truly am divorced and probably not getting back together with X. Sometimes it seems more like a game that I'll eventually win, but then I'm forced to wake up and smell the coffee. I lost a little of my edge, but hoping to get it back soon.
Some idle musings for the day and a question. My ex definitely is having self-esteem issues. Last month it was "Do you think I'm a good mother...tell me honestly" and I give her a list of why she is. This month it's "do my legs look fat? Or are they too sticklike?" Questioning herself isn't like her. Another thing that is unlike her is making no real effort to look good. I've seen her more without makeup and with her hair under a hat than any time during the marriage. She really hasn't been looking all that wonderful. My question is: Does anyone have any suggestions on how to provide the WOA I think she's looking for?
I don't know what I'm typing. My thoughts are disjointed today. I have been thinking maybe I'd have better success by just giving up and letting go. Maybe take a little of my X's "been there, done that" attitude and just "act as if" I've quit. I've hovered doing the same things for quite some time and have pretty much been in neutral. Probably time to try something else. I do need to focus on my own personal goals and my wants/needs.
Check out my inspiration thread for the daily OM.
W
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Rather than jumping in to reassure her about the specific issue, maybe offer s/t general, such as to the legs question, "To me, you are a wonderful lovable person, exactly as you are." Or to the mothering question, "(Child's name) loves so very much. Why do you ask that?" to help her release her tension/worrie and give you a chance to demonstrate great listening.
Hang in there, Buddy. Tomorrow is another day. Self-focused GAL is where I'm at as well. I'm going to pick up the weekly entertainment section of the paper and devise fun weekly outings for myself or with friends, go out and meet people, and get out to enjoy nightlife, nature - but as adult time. Most of my other GAL stuff has been as a parent, w/ S5 who I love dearly, but now its time to do more than that.
You are seeing the odds pretty accurately, I'm afraid. It totally depends on the WAS doing their work successfully, and coming to a place where they both see their role in the M demise, but also the positive changes in the LBS and in themselves that spark hope for s/t better.
My X went to a concert by herself 400 miles away from home. I did call to make sure she made it okay, but no answer. She called back the next day to tell me she had driven all the way back home after the concert and was fine. Good convo. She liked the concert and we discussed her late night drive. Saturday I tried multiple times because it was her son's b-day but no answer. I did finally talk to her on Sunday and talked to my x-step son. He had a good b-day I guess and liked the present from me.