You had it exactly right. Confusion, my middle name. The only thing is that it isn't causing me any stress or worry. It's just that I think about OW and I wonder if my motives are very noble. Then I think about XW and I wonder as you said whether by letting go I'll lose her.
Well anyway, so much for darkness. I ended up going to bingo with my ex's parents (her dad kept winning) and they invited her along. She looked cute. I was not a real good DBer because I was aloof without being friendly enough. I actually didn't want her to show up. That's a first. During bingo she indicated she had a job interview (didn't actually tell me) and I at least asked about the job some. She talked about having us go to the waterpark with them for her son's b-day, but I've already got plans for the entire weekend. I have next week off, but made no effort to suggest including her in any of our plans. I did say..."maybe some other time" to the waterpark invite. After bingo I said "see ya later" and she said "you aren't coming to eat with us?" and I just said no without any further clarification. I might have been just flirting with being rude. Unfortunately my feeling is that she thinks it's because she asked me to back off and now I'm mad at her. Truth is, I left there, bought me some shirts, bought a present for her son, and then dropped in to OW's work (she works til 9) to say 'Hi". That went well and we set up at least eating during her lunch/supper break tomorrow. And no, I don't feel guilty.
Guys, my XW has to work through her stuff. I'm working on letting go. If she decides she wants a R with me someday I might still be available to her or then again I might not be.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
This sounds like a decent shift in your interactions with her. Experiment and monitor results. It sounds like it'll be important for her to see you as positive and friendly still, as you distance.
I appreciate your dilemma regarding dating and can see how it ties in to dropping the rope and giving W time to do her work. Spending time with a women should give you plenty of opportunities to keep your changes going. I find thoughts of S5 keeping me anchored in the sitch, with less chance of me drifting elsewhere. Does that work for you?
I'll be going to a wine-tasting with a MF in about a week, who will introduce me to two FFs. Should be fun. I think he's hoping it'll work out as a double-date, but I'm just looking forward to convo and some nice wine.
I don't have kids with my ex-wife to keep me anchored. My kids like to see her kids so that's something at least. She doesn't really encourage it, but at least she doesn't discourage it either. And I like to see her kids. Maybe she likes to see mine...don't know. If I had a child with her I think it would be much more difficult to even consider OW. It's hard enough as it is.
It's scarey sometimes when I think if I just let go completely and she stays let go that we could just drift apart forever. No more seeing each other at all except for a card to her kids on their b-days.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: The title "This is the thread....." is short for "This is the thread where I get my ex-wife back".
I said this? About this thread? I guess I better post at month intervals if I want to try to make that happen.
My updates (I feel guilty even updating): After work I went to see OW who I'm pleased to say actually seems to enjoy being around me. It's actually difficult to end conversations with her. I arranged to meet her for dinner during her break. Dinner was really quite nice. Finally delved a little bit into her previous marriage or two (to the same guy). She was actually the WAW the first time and came back after divorcing. She's real easy to talk to. And being the chicken that I am I haven't made any attempt to move it past a comfortable time together. Actually the hour break turned more into an hour and a half. But I guess enough about that because it doesn't related to DBing...more along the lines of putting extra nails in the divorce coffin.
I did drop by the X's place after that to drop off the present for her son since I'll be out of town and ended up walking with her parents and her. She wasn't especially talkative...at least not to me. Again...the sarcasm and a feeling that she was "looking down her nose at me". Kind of like whatever I said was going through an analyzing machine to see if I'm in some way slighting her. Yes, I know, it may be my imagination and I shouldn't read anything into non-verbal cues. After I left I called her and asked if she had a problem with me. I kept it really light and got off the subject quickly so it didn't go badly.
What if my X called and wanted to come back now? I'd first have to figure out why and then I guess explain it to OW. And if several months elapse and I've went out with OW multiple times and there is more of an emotional attachment? Do I want to end up like that guy I posted on inspiration stories with myself and one other person hurt? Am I answering my own question? Weigh in here please. I enjoy spending time with this girl. But what would anyone here suggest....and be honest. Is this selfish to see this girl? Is it dishonest to not tell her I'm not over my X by a long shot, but need to experience this? For all I know she's not over her X either.
UD-I'll do your opinion for you..."Wes, this is psychotic. You were making headway with your X. What possessed you to look elsewhere?" Is that about right?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: My updates (I feel guilty even updating): Why?
After work I went to see OW who I'm pleased to say actually seems to enjoy being around me.
Clearly she is deranged. I guess I find it odd, weird you refer to her as OW, suggesting you are still with W and she is the "other woman." This, I think, says a lot about your feelings.
A two-parter. One, do you honestly think XW is going to want to reconcile in the near future? And two, are you going to miss spending time with someone who enjoys your company without an underlying dangerous current on the chance XW may immediately reconsider?
This is what I see. You enjoy spending time with the new girl, but run over after seeing her to make sure XW is still around, then get miffed when she does not seem overjoyed to see you. She likely senses something different, but does not know what, perhaps the reason for her defensiveness?
Clearly, I have not answered your question, nor have you. But for your sake and the new girl and XW, I'm afraid you have to make a decision and a committment one way or another. Turn this around, how would you feel if you found this woman still had (strong) feelings for X, but was going out with you to see "what happens?"
Quote: Turn this around, how would you feel if you found this woman still had (strong) feelings for X, but was going out with you to see "what happens?"
You had to ask this didn't you? I said be honest and you were and while you didn't answer it flat out...you gave your opinion. Honest answer....as I currently feel... I would be relieved. Well then both of us can see what happens. But if I had no hang-ups about my X then I would be upset and I wouldn't care to see her anymore.
Actually I didn't go over out of guilt. I had arranged yesterday to drop off this present since I'll be gone til next week. I intended to drop it off and run. I didn't really get miffed by her attitude, just a little "turned off" and I wanted to know if there really was something.
Okay...I'll quit skirting the issue....which is:
Quote:
A two-parter. One, do you honestly think XW is going to want to reconcile in the near future? And two, are you going to miss spending time with someone who enjoys your company without an underlying dangerous current on the chance XW may immediately reconsider?
Answer to first. No, I really do not at this point think we'll reconcile in the near future. I don't know if it will ever happen, but I know it won't if I fall in love with someone else.
The second question I'm struggling to figure out what you are asking. I will definitely miss spending time with her. Is that because I enjoy some dangerous undercurrent?? No, in spite of the nagging feeling/guilt/whatever I like spending time with her. Are you asking if I want to see if this makes my X immediately reconsider? NO!!!! I don't know if I'd want her back if she found out and then was asking for a second chance. I don't think a R would work on that basis.
Oh, I call her OW because I guess I don't know what to call her. GF? (seemed to soon for that...but I guess). Or maybe you are right that I think of X still as W. I've been divorced for such a short time and things aren't any different than separation that it's even hard to really think I'm divorced.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
If I understand correctly, OW is also recently divorced. I think that if I was in your position, I would tell OW that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship at this time, the D is still too new. I would love to spend time together and see where the relationship goes from there. It sounds like the two of you are enjoying each other's company, why not take things slow and see where the road takes you. Just my opinion. Linda
I replied to your questions in my thread too (it's in the Newcomers Section titled " Remember Me? A DB Success Story").
In my Jurisdiction, you cannot get a Divorce until one year has passed from the date of actual physical separation. Furthermore, we were required to attend a mandatory class on Parenting after Separation (which had a HUGE impact on my Wife).
Thanks God for these stipulations or maybe we'd already be divorced.
I think that once you detatch completely, once they've had some "space" then and only then will things start to happen.
My opinion is this: if you don't want to give up on your Marriage, then don't. Keep fighting. Shakespere said it best "To thine own self be true".
Life is about choices.
Some easy, some hard.
But the Power to choose is yours and yours alone.
You can CHOOSE to give up or you can CHOOSE to fight.
You can CHOOSE to remain in Love with your Spouse or you can CHOOSE not to.
My Wife, in spite of everything decided that she would CHOOSE to Love me again and come home. It took nearly a year from the date of the bomb dropping, but she is back.
Quote: I would tell OW that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship at this time, the D is still too new. I would love to spend time together and see where the relationship goes from there.
She has been divorced since October, so that's pretty new. This may be a reasonable approach to the situation. Maybe she wants only that too. At this point she just moved to town, knows only her family, and isn't that long out from divorce. Maybe she wants nothing more than companionship. But I'm not sure how easy it is for both people to stay on that same page.
Bruce,
Quote: Do you want to miss out spending time with OW/GF/new girl because of feelings for X?
No, not really. But I don't want to be selfish and I don't want to hurt her if things get more involved. Right now it's safe because we are just getting to know each other...but going forward?
MrMom,
I appreciate your unique insight. I again posted on your thread, but I'm glad you came over here. I hope your wife comes to the boards sometime too. It's very nice having a success story on the board to offer advice. One thing I do note is that I feel more detached from my ex as I've started seeing this girl.
We have no kids together so we didn't have to take a parenting class. But I agree that there may have been a better chance if there was a mandatory year waiting period. Maybe I should suggest that to the legislature.
As you indicated and Bruce noted several posts back... I'm going to have to make a choice. I think if a person chooses to continue loving their spouse/ex then it's not really healthy to start another R. So I see three choices...Stay out of relationships until I'm truly over my X, follow Linda's suggestion and see if K (the new girl) is okay with a not serious relationship, or give up on X and see where this or other relationships go.
I'm going to have to take some time off and just think about it. I've got time away from all women so it will give me the opportunity to think things through.
I really appreciate the advice. My heart and head are telling me two separate things and I need to take the time to listen to both. I need to think about the best way to be true to myself....I still don't know.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Again...the sarcasm and a feeling that she was "looking down her nose at me". Kind of like whatever I said was going through an analyzing machine to see if I'm in some way slighting her. Yes, I know, it may be my imagination and I shouldn't read anything into non-verbal cues. After I left I called her and asked if she had a problem with me. I kept it really light and got off the subject quickly so it didn't go badly.