Thanks for the input. Point well taken Gabe about how much she did or didn't pine away. I mean just look at me for instance.
As the title says...I feel really good. Kind of an odd relief. My ex called about 5 times tonight. When I called her back finally she seemed perturbed. She wanted to play some tennis, but made a point of saying "but no touching". I'm a little disappointed because I didn't really have any interest in that tonight.
I must say that tennis was very unpleasant. She was very untalkative, unanimated, and crabby. I stayed fairly upbeat I think and tried to engage her in conversation, but maybe I should have just left her alone with her crabbiness. It probably wasn't about me.
Anyway, I feel really good. I don't feel disturb about her earlier comments, am not upset that I had an unpleasant time, and don't care what is going on with her. I did think that I really don't care to play with her anymore as long as she's like this. I'll at least turn her down next time.
As I drove home I was obviously drawing the contrast between my ex-W and the uphill battle I'll face with her and how pleasant last night was. ALthough when you meet someone they aren't at their worst, it still is nice to have a clean slate.
Oh Bruce, you mentioned I think on UDs thread about thinking of your ex as a new woman you are trying to interest and date. I can't think in those terms or I would have given up on the ex quite a while ago. I would never pursue someone else like this with so little gratification.
Okay, so my attitude sucks. I'm being a piss poor DBer. I'm considering pursuing a R with someone else...which isn't exactly DBing. I suppose I'll get my stuff together. Thanks all.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: Okay, so my attitude sucks. I'm being a piss poor DBer. I'm considering pursuing a R with someone else...which isn't exactly DBing.
Ok, how does your attitude suck if you feel really good? And I don't think you're a bad dber. You are dbing at ex's worst moment (her crabbiness) by still getting on w/life.
So keep it up and you better keep us posted. I might send Timon after you next time! j/k T
Quote: Ok, how does your attitude suck if you feel really good?
I suppose it's a positive to feel good about myself. The problem is that I paid attention to her negativity tonight and heard her cutting remarks and as I drove away all I could think was this is never going to work. I'm divorced, I'm still holding on to someone that might or might not want me and has resentments built up against me. Perhaps I should just spend time with the other girl and see what happens.
I've heard it said by quite a few people. Once you start dating you aren't DBing. Unless you're taking big mouth's advice.
I'm an idiot.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: I've heard it said by quite a few people. Once you start dating you aren't DBing. Unless you're taking big mouth's advice.
My view of dbing is doing what works to try and break up the div, AND getting your own life together. You've done a lot to try and stop her WA, now if you feel you've done everything and want to start dating, who says you're breaking the rules?
Remember none of us here are dbing coaches. We have our own views of the db/dr methods, and what works for one person, may or may not work for another.
Besides, w/the indefatiguable pursuing you've done in the past, when did you ever follow the rules?
Quote: I'm an idiot.
Last, but most important, don't call yourself an 'idiot'. That is one of my biggest pet peeves - self criticism. It will just get stuck in your subconscious. So now repeat after me.....
Post I put on Gabe's old thread for fun. I guess I better post it on my own.
I was writing on a newbie's thread and it got me thinking of some things, especially in light of the Dieda book. This man sounds like he went along with about everything his wife said about career, moving, where to live, what to do for activities, who their friends would be, and was critical of things that he was interested in. He wondered whether he really wanted his wife back considering things weren't great anyway.
Which led me to my response which was...but did you give up who you are for her sake. Was this always how you were or did you bend for the M? She became a taker because you hogged the role of giver. I'm sure if we lose sight of the things important to us and the people that we are, our spouses lose respect for us. That isn't the person they married. Sometimes when we are making changes, we should be thinking whether we need to make the change back to the person that we were...that perhaps we changed away from for the sake of harmony. If other guys are like me, they are willing to go to great lengths to avoid conflict with the spouse. But sometimes we just can't without compromising ourselves.
I think in many ways I'm a better person, more able to handle adversity and more will to listen and respect the opinion of others. But since the bomb I've become perhaps too willing to settle for less. Is that who I am? Is that attractive? Just a thought. I need to look at myself and make sure I'm not sacrificing important pieces of myself for the sake of a R that won't stand a chance if I'm not true to myself.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think I see what you're saying. Compromise involving a healthy balance of giving and taking is good, but getting stuck in the role of either Giver or Taker is not.
In terms of guys giving in to avoid the emotional fallout from the W, Deida probably helped me the best on this point. To be okay or comfortable with W's expresssivenes and cyclical emotionality, even celebrating this difference b/t her and I, with this highlighting her femininity.
Rather than withdrawing or bracing for it when I see her starting to vent, moving to close the distance or at least increasing the intimacy, so that she gains in time a sense of safety or respect for my ability to hold her fullness.
I think that would be a fuller discovery of one's self, a form of personal growth that most men might appreciate in themselves, as it doesn't involve abandonment of masculinity or passivity.
Where was I? Oh yeah, nothing is new with me. Since Monday night tennis I've had no contact. I'm sure some of you are like....of course not..we don't have contact with ex's or walk aways every day. Well it's unusual for there to be no contact. I've determined that I need a little period of darkness. Not so she'll miss me and want me (although it would be nice if she did), but because I want to get to where I don't miss her. I intend to wait this out. She'll soon have her kids back and I'd like to see them so the period of darkness may have to be shorter than I was thinking. But I don't have to initiate doing anything with her.
About OW. I did call her yesterday (I'm sure no one wants to hear how I'm dbing with OW....feels like cheating since I still talk about X on here) and had a nice conversation. I don't feel a strong urge to pursue her, but I would like to do some things together. Not sure exactly where to go with this. After a couple dates maybe I'll try to figure that out. She might want nothing more than someone to go to a movie with.
Well, that's it for updates. Reading Linda's thread tempts me to pursue, but I have been getting negative vibes lately and feel I need to back off and see if she's interested in pursuing.
Oh yeah, I started love lines. I think I express love through quality time or possibly physical touch, but I'll have to read further. I'm wondering if perhaps my ex is acts of service (that's how she seems to show me love). Just a little side note. Have a nice night all.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: Since Monday night tennis I've had no contact. I'm sure some of you are like....of course not..we don't have contact with ex's or walk aways every day. Well it's unusual for there to be no contact.
This is unusual; welcome to the world of walk aways.
I am sure you sense it more than we do, but I sense a good deal of confusion. You want to pursue XW, but are increasingly frustrated, want to pursue OW but have no idea what you want or expect and need to pursue a life.
There is a sense you are at odds over the pursuing of these two women. You enjoy time with the new person, but also feel as if you will lose contact with X if you do not see or talk to her.
I think stepping back and analyzing the situation is a good idea but not for the wrong reasons. I'm sure there is internal conflict, but don't pull back from X because you are guilty about seeing the OW. Pull back because you need time for you, to evaluate your behavior and motives.
