Quote: How do you emotionally, intellectually pick up the phone and call her with little or no reason? I simply cannot break through some self-imposed barriers.
I hardly ever consider anything intellectually about it. I feel I have something to tell her or ask her or say and I call. My emotions aren't much in it either. I like talking to her, but I usually don't think much about them either. For example, the other day at Menards I noticed they had $5.99 computer games. I noticed one that was an expansion pack for a game I thought the kids had been playing. I call and say..."is that the game". Just like that. There is no mental barrier. Then I say...what are your plans for tonight? Want to go to War of the WOrlds? I can do it easily without reason (last night I called and said "just wanted to say Hi") because she greets me warmly and she talks to me. If she sounded crabby all the time I'd just forget it. Many times I have an excuse, at least a little one. I've just gotten so used to calling that the barriers to it have come down. It wasn't always so easy. It's just gotten more comfortable to call over time and she comfortably calls me. Don't know if that answered the question.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Out of town for work Thursday and Friday so no time for posting. I also found I couldn't bring myself to post.
I got my Deida book. I'm not sure how applicable I feel it is to a relationship where only one of the people in it wants to feel the other's love (that would be me). But many of the points are well taken. Basically I should be telling her to kiss off because wasting this time and energy on her is bringing my life to a standstill.
No updates that I care to share in specifics. Basically too much pursuing and way to much pressure and a feeling from me that I don't really give a rip. Highlights? I've called too much since my last post, asked her to the movie on Friday, called her on Saturday, she came by unexpectantly and unannounced last night (just to say 'hi'--I wish I had a woman in bed with me ), I told her on one occasion I thought she was hot (not surprising since I do compliment her on things quite a bit) and later that I loved her (not in answer to a question from her but rather....hands on her waist, looking into her eyes, flat out saying 'W. I love you'.) Both occasions we got into a little discussion of the reasons why. It's too long and complicated to get into. I also talked to her this morning without reason. I'm sick of me and I'm sick of bothering.
One thing I was reading about was the "testing" part. How you handle the tests that your spouse throws at you. I doubt she's actually testing me, but I've been upbeat despite any amount of her pushing me away and that't the only thing in all this I'm pleased about.
I've read your posts. Interesting discussions. I'm with Dogma in one thing. It doesn't matter if it's MLC, PMS, depression, seven-year itch, or constipation that contributed to this. The basic truth is that my wife had no desire to be married to me and plans to stick with her decision. It doesn't help me to pretend to know the reason. I'm still divorced. Although she wasn't mean about it (basically she just said...this isn't healthy), she made it clear enough that she prefers the divorced life.
Anyway, I'm not angry or bitter at ex. I'm thinking critically about myself. The Deida book has got me seriously considering whether I'm wasting my life away on this fruitless venture. Is she really one of my goals? Or is she actually an obstruction?
I'm going out with this new female acquaintance tonight. I'm going to have a good time. I'm going to apply some listening skills. And at the end of the date if I feel good about it and find her as interesting as I think I will, I'm going to ask her out again (that is if she is interested). I'm not going to get into any discussion of ex-W and try my hardest not to even think about her. I'm not thinking past tonight, but I'm not going to let some pipedream of a relationship with a woman that doesn't want one (namely my ex) spoil things.
That's it for now. I'll just give a blanket statement that I read all of your posts and you are doing great. Jo-don't kick yourself about dropping the ice queen bit and that was great about the bush trimming. Gabe-you sound solid as always Bruce-you sound healthily indifferent to your wife's reasons for D. Kevin-Your sitch sounds good. Hope you make the most of golf T- I'm still not sure about your sitch. Give it some time to resolve itself. I just can't get the feel for where your ex is at. Linda--You haven't had much to say. Are you doing okay? Keep up the good attitude. Hope the hair turned out okay. UD--you sound as introspective as always, but we want details. You have to have seen your W by now.
That's all for now. Hope your Sunday goes well.
Wes
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: Basically too much pursuing and way to much pressure and a feeling from me that I don't really give a rip.
Huh? There's a screaming contradiction. You realize of course, we are not going to let you get away with this.
If you did not give a rip, you would not be around this woman, tell her your feelings, be physical with her or listen. You would not give a rip, which you are not doing.
Deida is about finding your purpose. Not getting rid of parts of your life that are important. Clearly, she is important to you. And you can offer her a healthy Wes, with a purpose, a drive, a detemination.
If you wanted to really back off and give up (which I suspect deep down you really do not), you would have REALLY quit the last time you said you were.
Yes, it is about finding balance, but it is also about believing in the aspects of your life which are important to you.
If you truly shut down, backed off, did not pursue, how do honestly believe you would feel? In 6 months or a year, would have wished you gave yourself or her another chance?
The feeling of I don't give a rip is that I know that might drive her away or make her feel pressure. I don't care. At this point she'll accept the man I am or not. That's me. No contradiction.
Yeah, I know....finding your purpose. But am I deluding myself about how much of a purpose she is? Having a complete relationship with her feels important, but I think I need to just let it happens if it happens. No more thinking about it. "believing in the aspects of my life that are important to me". I do consider a fulfilling R important to me along with my kids. I'm sure you can probably guess the direction my thoughts are taking.
Quote: If you truly shut down, backed off, did not pursue, how do honestly believe you would feel? In 6 months or a year, would have wished you gave yourself or her another chance?
Can I shut that down? Don't know. I can be friendly. Don't know if I can be just that. Who knows how I'll feel in 6 months. Depends on how successfully I devote myself to me. I needed to do that anyway. Maybe in a couple months things will resolve themselves one way or the other. You know we can't control what our ex-s so she'll do what she's going to do.
I know. I know. Same old song and dance. The cycle for me. I'll be my old pursuing self say....today or so.
Not one to take defeat lightly I asked her to play tennis with the boys and I. She really was flinging a few insults today....just sarcastic jabs. It was fairly continuous while we played tennis. I ignored them. She didn't get any response from me. On the phone I made some joking comment she told me to "f off" but it wasn't said meanly. When I saw her I teasingly deflected it. I can easily take her worst. Actually it's fun to see her efforts.
The difference today though was I didn't miss her when I dropped her off, hope for a better interaction, wonder what she was thinking, hoping she'd call to do more things, or the other things that typically would run through my mind. It just was....nothing more. Just playing tennis. Although if she is on the edge of unpleasant in the future I will refrain from asking again. She was really sweet to bring drinks for the kids and I. Wow was it hot today.
I got home and called the OW to confirm we were having dinner. If nothing else this whole experience has really deadened fear of being turned down.
Which reminds me. I posted earlier about "starting fresh" with our ex-spouses and giving them a second chance. Actually I've given her more leaway than I would a new person. With a new person I wouldn't even bother anymore after all this.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: Anyway, I'm not angry or bitter at ex. I'm thinking critically about myself.
Have you snapped out of this self critical state yet? Your post reminded me of a line from a movie:
[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]
Adult Simba: Oww. Jeez... What was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter, it's in the past.
Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it.
[swings his stick at Simba again who ducks out of the way]
Rafiki: Ha. You See? So what are you going to do?
Actually, I think you are coming to a good place w/your sitch. (detaching!)
Quote: The difference today though was I didn't miss her
But, some of us still want to know how last night went? Ok, maybe it's just me, so how was it? did you keep ex off your mind and enjoy the evening?
T, thanks for the movie lines. Does that mean I should learn from my mistakes with another woman, quit letting my ex hit me with a stick, or that my hurts should be in the past?:)
For inquiring minds I will post about the date last night. It was so nice. Just dinner, but we talked for three hours during it (no, we didn't eat that long...) and then a short drive, then talked for quite a while more at her place. And no, not a whole lot else. She was very nice and very easy to talk to. I thought we hit it off pretty well.
I realized that it is so pleasant to talk to someone where there is give and take of information and a conversation that doesn't have an undercurrent of sarcasm and criticism. When I talk to my ex anymore she doesn't open up at all about anything. She primarily discusses current events, her kids, or sometimes people she "knows" from the internet. Everything is seen in a negative light. She's usually "fine" and that's the extent. I'm sure she's not in a place where she wants to be open with me anymore, but there was really a noticable contrast. I'm just stating the facts, not saying..."and that's why I give up on my ex". And in answer to your question dejavu, no I didn't think about my ex at all. Maybe wistfully for a bit when I got home. And no, I didn't discuss my ex in any detail. Oh, one other thing that was nice....calling after I got home to make sure she made it okay (it was raining hard when she went to get her kids) and not worrying that it would not be well received. And I don't have to carry the conversation or worry that all she wants to do is get off the phone. Okay...so maybe I'm being unfair to ex. Most of the time the convo flows okay, but she does sometimes just abruptly..."okay, bye".
Oh, one disturbing footnote. Her H was the WAS, but when she decided she was done...she was done. It was over. He did the beg, plead, etc routine but now they don't have so much interaction. She says that things are fine now between them, but I certainly didn't get the feeling that she was pining away now that he was largely "dark". What disturbed me was that she was broken up about it when he said he wanted a D, but then when she made up her mind she stuck with it, even though as the LBS she had to be feeling some temptation to come back to the R. It just gave me a sense of how determined that must make my ex-W since she was the walk away.
Well enough prattling on. I'll close. Any suggestions, advice, or other is appreciated.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Sounds like a nice evening. It is always good to have conversation where both parties are interested in hearing the other. I miss that too.
As Jo said, don't worry too much about this story. And your ex is an individual, she has softened to your approach many times. As for her being stubborn enough never to come back, who nows? I for one, won't believe for a second, that women are more stubburn than men when it comes to leaving. I think it's equal, depending on the circumstances.
Detach from her sitch (as you are doing) and enjoy your life. Your ex may just have a lot on her mind that has nothing to do w/you! T
I'll add that I'd take her description of solid resolve regarding closing the door on him with a grain of salt. Remember, she was on a first date with a new guy she has potential interest in. Painting herself as pining away for her X would be the kiss of death in terms of the date (for most folks anyway).
), I told her on one occasion I thought she was hot (not surprising since I do compliment her on things quite a bit) and later that I loved her (not in answer to a question from her but rather....hands on her waist, looking into her eyes, flat out saying 'W. I love you'.) Both occasions we got into a little discussion of the reasons why. It's too long and complicated to get into. I also talked to her this morning without reason. I'm sick of me and I'm sick of bothering. 
T