The feeling of I don't give a rip is that I know that might drive her away or make her feel pressure. I don't care. At this point she'll accept the man I am or not. That's me. No contradiction.
Yeah, I know....finding your purpose. But am I deluding myself about how much of a purpose she is? Having a complete relationship with her feels important, but I think I need to just let it happens if it happens. No more thinking about it. "believing in the aspects of my life that are important to me". I do consider a fulfilling R important to me along with my kids. I'm sure you can probably guess the direction my thoughts are taking.
Quote: If you truly shut down, backed off, did not pursue, how do honestly believe you would feel? In 6 months or a year, would have wished you gave yourself or her another chance?
Can I shut that down? Don't know. I can be friendly. Don't know if I can be just that. Who knows how I'll feel in 6 months. Depends on how successfully I devote myself to me. I needed to do that anyway. Maybe in a couple months things will resolve themselves one way or the other. You know we can't control what our ex-s so she'll do what she's going to do.
I know. I know. Same old song and dance. The cycle for me. I'll be my old pursuing self say....today or so.
Not one to take defeat lightly I asked her to play tennis with the boys and I. She really was flinging a few insults today....just sarcastic jabs. It was fairly continuous while we played tennis. I ignored them. She didn't get any response from me. On the phone I made some joking comment she told me to "f off" but it wasn't said meanly. When I saw her I teasingly deflected it. I can easily take her worst. Actually it's fun to see her efforts.
The difference today though was I didn't miss her when I dropped her off, hope for a better interaction, wonder what she was thinking, hoping she'd call to do more things, or the other things that typically would run through my mind. It just was....nothing more. Just playing tennis. Although if she is on the edge of unpleasant in the future I will refrain from asking again. She was really sweet to bring drinks for the kids and I. Wow was it hot today.
I got home and called the OW to confirm we were having dinner. If nothing else this whole experience has really deadened fear of being turned down.
Which reminds me. I posted earlier about "starting fresh" with our ex-spouses and giving them a second chance. Actually I've given her more leaway than I would a new person. With a new person I wouldn't even bother anymore after all this.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
