Bruce makes some very good points about the effect of LRT. But, in my sitch, I don't know if a random "how are you doing" phone call would make a difference. I call W occasionally, but it is usually K related. W told me that she wanted to remain friends and missed my friendship, yet, she really hasn't done anything notable that would indicate to me that she is looking to build our friendship. So, why would I go out of my way to make a big effort as well. I keep things very friendly between us and stay interested in her life when we talk, but at some point, the WAS has to pull alittle too.
But, currently, my R w/ W is much like Bruce describes in his last post here.
Quote: Can you sustain this R and enthusiasm for as long as it takes? Another year? Two? Three?
Hi I thought I would chime in here and give you a different perspective.
Maybe it's not about months and days.
How about this.
Can you do it today? If yes then do it.
Can you do it tomorrow? if yes then do it.
How about the next day?
If you keep at it one day at a time and not worry about the next until it gets here that might help.
It's like a big project.You have to break it down into smaller pieces to get it done.If your looking at the whole picture all at once it can get overwheming.
All you can ask of yourself is what are you doing now.And worry about how you will handle tomorrow when it gets here.
Later Friends. briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Well well well. I see everyone has been busily adding to my thread. I love it. It moves me that much closer to the piecing area of the bb. I appreciate all the input. But after I give the update I suspect you will all feel I just ignore my own and everyone else's advice.
Quote: Hey Wes, where are you? We are taking over your thread. Hope you did not get a life.
Of course I was out getting a life. But my life involves doing things with my ex. Here's the day. I went to work and left my cell on. When I got back to it there were quite a few calls and a message (from my ex). She just explained why she didn't call back, what she did last night, and whether I wanted to play some more tennis. Ignoring my own previous message I called her back and agreed.
First we went to lunch, then played tennis. Lunch was good...decent conversation. After tennis I did some stuff on my own and then called her about some educational games for her kids. Of course I asked her if she wanted to go to the movie with me. Obviously..duh. She agreed. So I just got back from that. It went well. Actually...before we got into the movie she told me she was sad. She went for a walk and saw a bunch of families and it made her sad. I just said "I understand".
The movie went fine. A little chit chat. Talked briefly after the show and said bye. End of night.
So the answer...yes, getting a life, just not one that excludes my ex. Bruce, things are maybe a little unnatural, but I seriously doubt that these little pseudodates can become natural until we've done it awhile. Just like dating..asking out isn't easy right away. It's only when you are more comfortable. And btw, when I first started dating her we talked dozens of times a day (we were 200 miles apart)
Quote: W told me that she wanted to remain friends and missed my friendship, yet, she really hasn't done anything notable that would indicate to me that she is looking to build our friendship. So, why would I go out of my way to make a big effort as well
Kevin kevin Kevin....Did you miss the part where it says you are the only one that will work on this relationship? j/k kinda. But building a friendship isn't any different than building the M. You are the one that is willing so you are the one that has to carry the load. Sorry.
Quote: Can you sustain this R and enthusiasm for as long as it takes? Another year? Two? Three?
I refuse to believe that I will have to continue as I am for a year, two, or three. How could it. We'll either move closer together or get sick of each other.
Briget, thanks for the input.
Quote: Can you do it today? If yes then do it.
Can you do it tomorrow? if yes then do it.
How about the next day?
Yes, Yes, and Yes
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Man, all the action is here on your thread! I cannot believe the amount of time that your W wants to spend with you. but you know what, as long as you are not forcing the pace, you are doing great!
It is not difficult to figure out when the WAS feels pressured. You can gather that from their verbal as well as body-language responses. So I think that if we can keep expectations at zero then why not go with the flow and pursue. I mean, that does make us vulnerable to rejection but does that not also make us act like we did when we were initially wooing our W's. We were not afraid of rejection then were we? I mean, is the whole thrill of wooing not handling rejection and then getting back up like men and doing it again until our W's realise we mean business?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Are you serious about that apology thing? I mean, arent we all totally outstanding Monday morning QBs on this bb when it comes to everyone else's sitches. And arent we all just great at ignoring everyone else's advice and doing just what we please? So what is the value of staying on this bb and talking to each other? Well, I think it is twofold: 1) When each of us blunders on, it is good to have our bottoms whacked by everybody so we realize we have been foolish, 2) It is great to see that all of us are blundering on and maybe, just maybe we will learn from each other's mistakes and will keep each other honest.
I can tell you, without this bb and some other sources, I would have been a total wreck and would never had known how to handle this calamity that befell me.
Bruce, one thing that you constantly tell Wes I do agree with - he does need to GAL and get some inner balance independent of the sitch. He is too deeply interwtined with his W and that makes life interesting as well difficult for him. He does not appear to have time to calm down and think of a strategy that will work in the long-term. But, this is easier said than done of course. I mean, one should do what works, right? The question is, is his current interaction with W working for him? That is a very difficult question to answer....
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
He is spending signficant time with and having constant contact with the one person he wants to. And all we can do is his criticize his behavior.
Don't you dare quit with the advice! I've never taken anything as criticism, only as advice. You are right that I am too anxious and attached. You are right about tweaking the dynamic. I do a lot of going with the flow and I do hang out with her alot, but the advice I get on here is in mind. It keeps me from doing too much and avoiding getting my expectations up too much. Believe it or not, I do listen. I don't recall anyone saying don't pursue, just try not to always include my W, and GAL outside of her. And that is excellent advice.
You're right...I'm spending time with the one person I want to. But I still need to be sure I have a fulfilling life without her as well. I'll get the balance right over time.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
As I noted on Kevin's thread, there seems to be a sense about "why should I be the one to work on this 'friendship' that my spouse says he/she wants but never does anything to advance the friendship." And you've seen me write on more than one occasion that it would be easier to start over with someone else where I don't already have three strikes against me. Thought this might be an interesting post...
Quote: If we were to get a divorce, and we did once again find someone that we were interested in, we would give that person a “fresh start” and more than likely this person will have learned a lot in their lifetime by now that will stop them from making the same mistakes that our spouses made in the past. Does this person really deserve a fresh start? I do not think that it is fair to give a stranger that which we would not give our own spouse.
Today, our spouses are also just people, they have learned things in their lifetime and they also will not make these mistakes again, (well at least not all of them), if we can try to look upon our spouses once again as new people, without all of the negative baggage that we have attached to them, we will more than likely find that they are still great people. That even better than that, they are people that we have already established a strong bond with, that we can trust and that we do have love in our hearts for. I know that this is very hard to do, that there is a lot of pain and resentment that we feel from these things that have happened.
I know how much easier it seems it would be to just find someone new and start over with. Also, I realize that even if you were to try to take this new look at your spouse, there is a good chance that you would still find things that they were doing yet today that drive us crazy. Please bear with me here, and try to open your heart. Please remember that life is difficult and demands a lot out of each of us, and as a result of working our way through life we become hardened, just as ones hands become calloused. My wife one time remarked about how ugly the stretch marks on her belly made her look. I told her I did not think that at all, that I thought that her stretch marks were beautiful because they were made from her carrying my children and that no other woman on the face of this earth had these beautiful marks. So I guess what I am trying to say here is we all have developed scars and calluses as we have lived. And even though to one who knows nothing of how we got them they are ugly, to those that know where they came from they should be viewed as a tribute to that which we have given of ourselves.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Wow! Everyone is off enjoying the fourth. Very good. Hopefully someone will have got something out of my previous post.
As I was driving back home I heard this song on the radio. Following my new habit of posting song lyrics I'll do this one as well. Hope it isn't too depressing. Brooks and Dunn.
Quote:
I know they say if you love somebody You should set them free But it sure is hard to do It sure is hard to do I know they say if you don't come back again Then it's meant to be (so they say) Those words don't pull me through Cause I'm still in love with you I spend each day here waiting for a miracle But it's just you and me goin' through the mill climbin' up a hill
This is the long goodbye Somebody tell me why Two lovers in love can't make it Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart No matter how hard I try I always make you cry Come on, baby, it's over let's face it All that's happening here is a long goodbye
Sometimes I ask my heart did we really Give our love a chance (just one more chance) But I know without a doubt We turned it inside out And if we walked away It would make more sense But it tears me up inside Just to think we could still try How long must we keep running on a carousel Goin' round and round and never getting anywhere On a wing and prayer
This is the long goodbye Somebody tell me why Two lovers in love can't make it Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart No matter how hard I try I always make you cry Come on, baby, it's over let's face it All that's happening here is a long goodbye
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I guess I was short-sighted about my expectations of how "friendship" would be w/ my W under these circumstances. The trouble is, and you're right, I need to be the one to foster the development of friendship, but I don't know how to go about that without the onset of pursuit or pressure felt by my W. I have made offers to do lunch or other things before, but they were rebuffed. So, I don't know the path I'm supposed to follow in this regard. It is really frustrating.
So, the big question is how can I redevelop the friendship w/ my W.
BTW, I think it is great that you can spend so much time w/ your X. Her comments of feeling sad when she sees families hits home w/ me. I just about break down when I go to the park w/ my K's. Maybe it is making her think a little.
I appreciate all the input. But after I give the update I suspect you will all feel I just ignore my own and everyone else's advice.
I mean, arent we all totally outstanding Monday morning QBs on this bb when it comes to everyone else's sitches. And arent we all just great at ignoring everyone else's advice and doing just what we please?