Dogma, These are very pointed questions to keep in mind. I would love to just ask direct questiona and get direct answers, but, yes, fear plays the biggest part in not doing so...even if the answer for now is..."I just need more time" or "I don't know what I am doing"...it is the asking that seems to set back the progress, so I try not to.
Why do we continue to interact and pursue? (I feel like she pursues me, I do respond though with being there for her much of the time, joining her on trips, etc) For me, it is a constant question.."Why am I still in this?" "Is it really worth all of this time, energy, and pain?" I have weighed this out many times and in the end some of it is feeling guilt for having messed up our marriage (both of us) in the first place, feeling like we did have mostly a wonderful thing and could have even a better one, and I want my W and kids back as a family, a home and a future. The problems we had were mostly communication related and we have both improved alot in that area...with more to do.
Anyway, I think my W is in a very comfortable position in some ways...life with the kids, making decisions w/o anyone else's needs in mind, dating, having me as her fall back, comfort zone. So, yes, she probably has no desire to change this R that we have now. It seems to be up to me to change the equation, the dynamics, and to make her less comfortable. I think the best way to do this is to take little steps away from her and more towards myself...not focus on her or us, but on ME. That is the hard part....we all need to focus on ourselves first, because our WAS certainly seem to be focused on themselves.
