You are right. Act as if. No expectations. Be happy. Be friendly (maybe even flirtatious to her AND her friends?). I like the sound of that. I'll let you know tomorrow how things worked out (it might have to be late if I can bring her home )
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Good luck, Bud. Focus on her - be kind to her friends, but focus on her, letting her teases/barbs slide off your back. If she signals a need for space, give it to her. But hold the mindset that no guy there is fit to shine your shoes in terms of competition for her. She'll read that in your eyes.
Quote: no guy there is fit to shine your shoes in terms of competition for her.
That's no lie.
Well it's 12:45. Back early, but I didn't want to overstay my welcome.
So how did it go? The jury is still out on that. It wasn't quite my scene so I can't say I was extremely confident. I did take the advice of moving away and wandering back.
I suppose details are in order. Well, she wasn't at the bar she said she would be. I must admit that there were a lot of cute girls there. Most likely too young, but it seemed I got some reasonably good looks.
So anyway, there was really only one other place I would imagine she'd be tonight so I went over there. I never realized how small she is until I saw her in that sea of people (she's 5'2 and about 100 lbs). She looked as usual very cute. Her back was to me and she was headbanging (she loves heavy metal). I grabbed her from behind and pulled her to me like some drunken guy would do. She turned and saw it was me and seemed happy to see me. She gave me a very very prolonged hug. I was actually the one to step out of it. She was drunk. Looking very cute. I think there was a window of opportunity when she wanted to kiss me, but then it passed.
So negatives first: At one point she actually said there was a cute girl she wanted me to meet. I said "my ex-wife is trying to set me up? Hmmmm" I also indicated that I had seen some cute girls but I saw the single girl I wanted to hit on (indicating her). She said "I'm not available". Ouch! She tried several handshakes on me....one was a mock introduction.
Positives: Definitely when I first greeted her. That seemed like the real deal. Long hug with her head on my chest.
I pulled her out to dance and she didn't leave. Hard to dance to heavy metal. I wish we could have done the jitterbug. Oh well.
After dancing I put my arms around her from behind (yeah...I know...down that road again) She didn't act like I violated her space or that she wanted me not to. We stayed that way for a bit and talked and she turned to look with her face literally inches from mine. Struggled not to kiss her.
I thought I better cut my losses or wins and as an entertainer would say "leave her wanting more". Before I left I did make a tennis date with her for tomorrow if she wasn't too hung over. She kidded how she would kick my a$$. I'm not any good so maybe that's possible. I also told her to call me if she needed a ride home and I'd come get her.
Why do I love this woman that left me and continues to reject me so much? It makes these interactions so tough. Anyway, it always leaves me wishing I had been fully committed to the marriage for the whole time. I guess you have to lose something to realize how important it is to you.
On a quick sidenote to all of you....these scars from this stay with you unless we heal them. With any new relationship, maybe even more so with our ex-spouses, there will be that protective mechanism telling us to protect some of our heart. Don't give it all to her/him....keep a little so that the hurt is less and walking away is easier. I don't know if this works out....but I think that next time around I'm going to love like I can't get hurt. Maybe DBing has made it possible. I know that my ex can never hurt me like she did when the bomb was dropped.
But all in all a pretty good night. I got to see her in her silly drunken, cute, playful mood and be a part of it. Know what? She loves me. She's just got the will power to convince herself that it won't work with me..."been there done that". And Bruce, I don't care if you tell me I don't know what she's thinking. I'm still telling myself that she loves me. I've got her initial reaction to seeing me in mind.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
No one is denying she has feelings for you. But I still sense an urgency in your behavior, actions, thoughts as if her feelings will suddenly transform her behavior into the behavior you desire.
There is definite chemistry there. But there are also definite boundaries. As I said, it seems she is very comfortable in this role. And you are still struggling to find your place in her world.
I've been out of bed for hours. My dog and cats don't let me sleep in past 6 am so it's torture. I was chatting a bit online (not with ex) then I talked to my badly hung over ex. She eventually stopped by to drop off a book and get some quarters and then we went to play tennis. That was fun. Since then I've just been mowing the lawn and hanging out.
One thing that discouraged me was that she insisted today on talking about how I should have met this girl. That I would have liked her. A fellow DBer suggested I should have said "ah, that's too bad I missed her" or something. I didn't do that. Do you think she seriously wants me to go out? Will that take care of her guilt? Would she really not be jealous?
Okay, to address the urgency thing. It is there. It is in the back of my mind at each interaction that a barrier will come down and we'll at least move to more of a BF/GF sort of thing. That's probably unrealistic. I don't think there will come a time she miraculously admits being madly in love with me. In fact it will be such a slow transition if it happens that I might not even recognize it. I don't know. But is it too much to hope that there will be steps like a regular relationship....where boy meets girl, they go on dates, they see more and more of each other, they fall in love? This way is weird.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
P.S. The urgency might be there, but I have gotten a ton better at not showing it. The time spent together today didn't involve any kind of physical stuff at all. I kept my distance.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Man, I missed all the action. There is only one conclusion I have after hanging out with you on this bb:
You are stark raving mad. And your W is too.
I officially join bruce in declaring that I am totally stumped by your situation. It does not follow any sort of pattern that all the rest of us are experiencing!!
So when you say things like "How can I be in love with this woman who is rejecting me", my reaction is, what has Wes been smoking (especially after that experiment with talking to yourself on your own thread) ? Rejection? You call an invite like that rejection??
I give up on you Wes. UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Okay, maybe I am high. I think I look at positives now and think they are not positive enough. I'm just too impatient. I need results too quickly I guess. And UD I never denied being stark raving mad.
My problem is that I can't detach. She sucks me in like a black hole. Or she's like a drug and I'm so addicted to it that I get withdrawals if I can't have it daily or more. Of everyone on this divorced area I feel least detached and least able to handle the reality that I might never be together with this woman.
It's up and down with me and as Bruce indefatigably points out I have this high level of anxiety (or something like that). My expectations tend to run too high.
Okay....so my final thought for the night. I called her to see if she wanted to grab some supper with me. I only got her answering machine. She didn't call me back. It got the crazymaker going and also as usual knocked my PMA down a notch.
BTW UD, where were you last night with all your PMA?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
A person should never listen to country music when they are alone. Here's my song of the day....which reminds me of something that occurred today. Doubt it means anything...it just meant something to me. I used to send my wife lyrics to songs I liked (so posting here isn't out of character for me). Sometime before the bomb and nuclear fallout I sang the song "broken road" by Rascal FLatts to her (anyone know it?). Anyway, I sent her the lyrics. She wrote back..."I feel the same way". Basically the gist of the song is God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you. So anyway I had that Rascal Flatts CD in while we were driving together to play tennis and she asked if this was the CD that broken road was on. She wanted to hear it. I wanted to cry, but sang along to the song anyway.
Well, enough doom, gloom, and feeling bad. Here's the song I intended to post here. Take it for whatever it's worth
Quote: I miss the look of surrender in your eyes The way your soft brown hair would fall I miss the power of your kiss when we made love But baby most of all
I miss my friend The one my heart and soul confided in The one I felt the safest with The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again And let the light back in I miss my friend
I miss the colors that you brought into my life Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now Saying it'll be alright
I miss my friend The one my heart and soul confided in The one I felt the safest with The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again And let the light back in I miss my friend
I miss those times I miss those nights I even miss the silly fights The making up The morning talks And those late afternoon walks
I miss my friend The one my heart and soul confided in The one I felt the safest with
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
)
? Rejection? You call an invite like that rejection??