Do you two want to go on and on about who's right and who's wrong or do you want to get your relationship working?
I feel for both of you. Chrissy, I can relate to you because my WAW touched upon many of the same areas you touch upon, and I can relate to your H because I know what it feels like to go through all the emotional turmoil of what the wife is doing behind the H's back - of course let me state my situation/history/details is different than yours - it's just close enough a universe that I can relate.
Mr. H, if you're reading this, take it from me. If Chrissy left you, you might find yourself wishing you had handled things differently. You have to let the past go, because you can't change it. You don't know what the future is, but what you do now affects your future. So all you have is now. If you want your tomorrows to be like your yesterdays, than just keep on doing the same thing and they will. If you want your tomorrows to be better, make changes today. What else can I say? Maybe this: You don't know what you've got until you lose it forever.
I am so sorry that your situation did not end the way you wanted it to. But have faith I truley believe all things happen to us for a reason and that all life experiences are what makes us who we are and God has contol of all just never gives us clues until it is time to show us the whys.
__________________________________________________________ Do you two want to go on and on about who's right and who's wrong or do you want to get your relationship working? __________________________________________________________
Well essentially this is my H post he was the one who wanted to state the question. Though since I am the one sitting here typing it and my wordage is coming out it probably does not reflect what he is wanting to say. Which is why he was wanting me to add this and that to tell them this and that. Hence the post will really never say what he wants it to unless he types it himself.
But my answer to your question is Where none of this is a burning issue in my Marriage to myself I am complying with his wishes.I feel they are way bigger dragons in our marriage to combat. I am not sitting here trying to point fingers. I myself hope only to gain some personal insight and understanding to peoples different opinions of the sitch. Without understanding you you only can look at your side of the fence. These I do not feel promotes healing. I feel no right or wronge on his part or mine for seeking emotional support. It was a need we both had but for different reasons. And though again I feel terrible for the pain it has inflicted on my H. None of this relates to the main problems in my M. They had been there since the begining. And I truly feel that had the other people in my part that where involved had not interviened the way they did I would not be sitting here typing this I would be in a grave or a mental institution. So though I do regret the pain I caused the benifit on my part was well worth it. And terrible as that may sound I will add I also feel my H has benifitted more then he has lost to these people ie he is not a widow, he is not a single parent, AND BIG ONE HERE he does not have to carry the burden of responsibility he would have had had I carried on my path of self destruction and have died or totally went insane.
Now I cannot answer for my H but I will state my opinion here. My H I feel is looking for validation. He is one that always feels he is in the right.Or needs to feel he is. I think he was looking for all to jump on the his bandwagon to show me how terrible I am. But that is my perception of why he wanted me to do post the original question. Not for better understanding but to prove to me how terrible of a person I am. In a word and in truth I feel my H fixation on the kiss the lies and such is just to keep himself from having to take on any responsibility of fault for our current situation. And yes had we have been happily married before this I would agree he had no fault but that was not the case.
Again I am so sorry for your sitch and wish you the best in the future.
Stolen from previous posts on this thread Read "Why does he do that"
But in truth I feel if you are overly jealous and controlling you are setting yourself up to be lied to. And make your spouse miserable. Your S will hide things from you for fear of repercussion. People are people and they need to have lifes and freinds and such to help enjoy life and if you stop them they will start to lie and hide things from you. A person can only allow another person to strip so much of there self away before they become miserable within themself.
Sometime W flirted little too much and other men took it as an invitation. I was setup. In other areas this is 100% true. Was too insecure to differentiate.
Mr. H, if you're reading this, take it from me. If Chrissy left you, you might find yourself wishing you had handled things differently. You have to let the past go, because you can't change it. You don't know what the future is, but what you do now affects your future. So all you have is now. If you want your tomorrows to be like your yesterdays, than just keep on doing the same thing and they will. If you want your tomorrows to be better, make changes today. What else can I say? Maybe this: You don't know what you've got until you lose it forever.
Very True There are two sides howeve you could not describe my sitch better. My fondest wish is my kids forgiving me. Wife is working on evening the score. However as we sow so shall we reap. Building a works and does not work column. Controlling definitely does not. Anger definitely does not. Giving does. Forgiving definitely does. Honesty and apologies when you are wrong are in the works column.
If a controller (as I was) reaps their sowing they are not a victim. Not to say they need to protect themselves from overzealousness but do not deserve or need sympathy. little legal advice manybe, and letting them know somehow they need to change.
Controlling behavior is based on false entitlement, fear, and lots of energy hiding to the world what you really are. I know. Ashamed of what I was. Not Ashamed to admit it. Your basic personality is broke a foot above your being. You can trim the symptoms but as vines they grow back to haunt you and the people you are involved with. You need to fix what is broke otherwise you will die alone and miserable repeating your mistakes. Sorry if this is rough but it's simply true.
DB and change yourself. What is the alternative?
DB. What is the alternative? More of the same?
Best wishes from a FORMER controller
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
_________________________________________________________ Controlling behavior is based on false entitlement, fear, and lots of energy hiding to the world what you really are. _________________________________________________________
Thank you these are about the best words of wisdom I think I have run across regaurding this behavior.
__________________________________________________________ If a controller (as I was) reaps their sowing they are not a victim. Not to say they need to protect themselves from overzealousness but do not deserve or need sympathy. little legal advice manybe, and letting them know somehow they need to change. ________________________________________________________
Though I myself do not like having to endure being or trying to be controlled by others I do have empathy for the people who suffer from the need to control others. It can not be easy to be so unsure of yourself.
I am glad to see you state former meaning you now have control of yourself
It's getting difficult to read through multiple quotes that aren't quoted!
Chrissy thanks for your good wishes, but be it know that my sitch hasn't ended!
Anyway, I'm not sure you guys got my point. H wants to be proved right, and he wants to make sure this or that is said so that we all understand what's going on and can weigh down on a side... and my point is that this isn't the perspective for working on a relationship. It's not about one person being right and the other wrong. All H can accomplish with all this is to create two sides that will be inherently at odds with each other, one "right", the other "wrong". If mistakes were made, then resolve them, forgive them and move on. There's no need to present a case, unless you're in a courtroom. Not too much loving goes on in courtrooms though. You have to ask yourself, what do I really want? Is the answer a loving relationship, or do you want to win an argument? So, doesn't the focus have to be more on "how can we get past this without resorting to fixing blame?" as fixing blame or winning an argument still won't turn things around, but rather, leave one person feeling they're to blame, and the other feeling morally superior, instead of resulting in two people happy with the outcome.
Dear Chrissy and H - Wow I have just been reading your thread. Firstly the fact that you are both doing this together is a good sign as you both obviously want to work this out. Next communication well you seem to sort of have that. Controlling H is think that is you, why do you have to controll Chrissy she really hasn't done anything that wrong. You have both done exactly the same thing, you were both confiding in someone of the opposite sex obviously as you couldn't talk to each other. There is the communication thing something that I think needs works. The fact that you are both seeking answers together here is a sign that you can work this out. The fact that neither of you has had a physical affair with anyone, shows me you have a chance as maybe if you didn't address this now one of you would have gone down that road. Why don't both of you admit that your partner may have a point and work out the real reason you both seeked comfort from someone else. Then you may truly be able to solve this and get on with your M. Chrissy it does concern me that you are depressed and have obviously thought about exiting this world prematurely and H that should bother you alot. Look after each other have a good chat, don't blame each other try and understand that you can both have a different opinion on something and respect that and find some middle ground. Alot of us here only wish we could have this chance with our spouses you have both got the chance to fix this so sit and start talking honestly and repesct each other and sort it out. Nothing physical is a lot easier to heal and nobody cheated. GOODLUCK TO BOTH OF YOU.....Kim
Thank you again for your input. as I have stated this is not my real thread but if you have the time and inclination my thread is on the SSM listed Chrissys thread. I would love your input on the more burning issues to me in our marriage
NY Sorry for the quote. Thought the color change would differentiate but it did not go thru.
__________________________ All H can accomplish with all this is to create two sides that will be inherently at odds with each other, one "right", the other "wrong". __________________________
Winning is a tatic to modify the other's behavior so you will get what you want. The controller does not understand the damage they do here.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
