Back from a rough weekend trip to H's former hometown. We were supposed to pick his Mom up and take her to a family reunion. Unfortunately , the day before she messed up her hip replacement and had to go to hospital. We still went there and visited with her. We also went to the family reunion. H hates the town, his Mom is a depressed, sad person who doesn't have it in her to have a positive, coherent conversation with guests. She doesn't mean to be that way. She just is. H pretty much has made peace with seeing her a couple of times per year and just dealing with it by phone or letter the rest of the time.
I realized that I was being obtuse when I thought we might actually have sex the week before a trip to Moms. Duh - he was dreading the trip and so....no nookie. The trip was ok but as he said he comes back feeling like crap about himself and now I am on my period so he has every reason to delay actual sex and all sexual contact for the remainder of this week too. Let's see - it has now been two weeks of no sex, let's go for three. I hate this friggin cycle SO MUCH.
Also, I made some "noises" about wanting to talk last week which H sidestepped and I allowed him to sidestep. Now, I am mentioning it again because what the hay - can't worry about ruining the sex we aren't having by initiating "the talk" again.
Is it me? I don't know. While we were gone we went to see the Dukes of Hazard with the kids. Silly movie. Jessica Simpson in small outfits was the highlight. She has an absolutely incredible figure which was shown off nicely throughout the movie. Any guy between 12 and dead would react to Jessica. I don't know if H did or not. I found myself wondering if the LDH's on this board were married to Jessica in all her blond, porno body perfection would they still rarely desire sex? I wondered more specifically if H had Jessica instead of me (or the playmate of his choice) would they be burning up the sheets? I know that this is an unhelpful downward spiral of thinking but I am stuck here for the moment.
As I typed this H emailed to say "Hey, let's go out alone on Saturday." He is such a good, caring man. Why doesn't he want me? I just keep getting stuck there.
Back from a rough weekend trip to H's former hometown. We were supposed to pick his Mom up and take her to a family reunion. Unfortunately , the day before she messed up her hip replacement and had to go to hospital. We still went there and visited with her. We also went to the family reunion. H hates the town, his Mom is a depressed, sad person who doesn't have it in her to have a positive, coherent conversation with guests. She doesn't mean to be that way. She just is. H pretty much has made peace with seeing her a couple of times per year and just dealing with it by phone or letter the rest of the time.
I realized that I was being obtuse when I thought we might actually have sex the week before a trip to Moms. Duh - he was dreading the trip and so....no nookie. The trip was ok but as he said he comes back feeling like crap about himself and now I am on my period so he has every reason to delay actual sex and all sexual contact for the remainder of this week too. Let's see - it has now been two weeks of no sex, let's go for three. I hate this friggin cycle SO MUCH.
Also, I made some "noises" about wanting to talk last week which H sidestepped and I allowed him to sidestep. Now, I am mentioning it again because what the hay - can't worry about ruining the sex we aren't having by initiating "the talk" again.
Is it me? I don't know. While we were gone we went to see the Dukes of Hazard with the kids. Silly movie. Jessica Simpson in small outfits was the highlight. She has an absolutely incredible figure which was shown off nicely throughout the movie. Any guy between 12 and dead would react to Jessica. I don't know if H did or not. I found myself wondering if the LDH's on this board were married to Jessica in all her blond, porno body perfection would they still rarely desire sex? I wondered more specifically if H had Jessica instead of me (or the playmate of his choice) would they be burning up the sheets? I know that this is an unhelpful downward spiral of thinking but I am stuck here for the moment.
As I typed this H emailed to say "Hey, let's go out alone on Saturday." He is such a good, caring man. Why doesn't he want me? I just keep getting stuck there.
Karen, I think you are reading too much into it and taking it too personally. I'm guessing if your H were married to Jessica or some other equally hot babe, it wouldn't change him a bit. It is just the way he is wired. The upside? well, I keep telling myself that I never have to worry about MrsGGB cheating on me
My take on the whole thing is our LDS's want us, but just not in the way we think they should. Stop beating yourself up over this...it isn't you. Maybe instead of trying to get him to 'get' you, maybe taking an approach where you try to 'get' him, you know get inside his head and understand what he feels, and what makes him tick, might get you to a better place, KWIM?
"I'm guessing if your H were married to Jessica or some other equally hot babe, it wouldn't change him a bit. It is just the way he is wired. The upside? well, I keep telling myself that I never have to worry about MrsGGB cheating on me "
I think people's SD is almost completely mental, sure there may be some physical circumstances but I think that is very rare. Our S's react to us sexually more often because of how they feel about themselves and how the other person makes them feel.
If Jessica Simpson/Brad Pitt started dating our S, I'm guessing they would react very different sexually with them than with us. Eventually even that relationship would form baggage, etc (as most relationships do) and the LD person would revert back to their typical patterns.
It's not about a person's looks but if someone that "hot" presented themselved to our S, I don't think it is strange to assume that they would not be LD in that instance. It may eventually return LD, but that is the point. We are in marriages with "baggage" and we can choose to deal with that baggage in a healthy way or unhealthy way, one of which is letting it destroy any intimacy/sexuality between spouses.
Also, the high rate of infidelity would help explain why typically LD spouses would go outside the marriage to find sexual fulfillment. It is a given that HD spouses may be unfaithful after time but I think LD spouses are just as vulnerable. No one is happy in a marriage with no intimacy, I don't care if you are the HD or LD.
Karen... Was H able to tell you that the reason he couldn't get into sex was because of the upcoming family trip? I think if you both could communicate about some of the reasons behind his LD, it would take some of the personal sting out of the equation. No comment on the Jessica Simpson stuff...suffice to say it doesn't help with your state of mind to go down that route.
It's a postive step that H is suggesting some couples time...hopefully it will be the start of some sexual reconnection. Hang in there!
Maybe instead of trying to get him to 'get' you, maybe taking an approach where you try to 'get' him, you know get inside his head and understand what he feels, and what makes him tick, might get you to a better place, KWIM?
Yeah, I keep taking this route. It hasn't helped much. I don't get H. When I ask him he is always "tired" or "frustrated" or already "feeling bad" about something OR sometimes we aren't having sex because he has determined that I am "tired" or "frustrated" etc... ___________________________________________________________
If Jessica Simpson/Brad Pitt started dating our S, I'm guessing they would react very different sexually with them than with us. Eventually even that relationship would form baggage, etc (as most relationships do) and the LD person would revert back to their typical patterns
I think this too when I am in a logical place. I am not right now. ___________________________________________________________
Karen... Was H able to tell you that the reason he couldn't get into sex was because of the upcoming family trip? I think if you both could communicate about some of the reasons behind his LD, it would take some of the personal sting out of the equation. ___________________________________________________________
This is just my educated guess for now. I plan to address it with H tonight. I know the "hot babe" line of thinking doesn't help. It usually spirals into me reading every latest women's magazine to figure out how to be "more sexy" - BTW - NONE of that kind of thing registers on H whatsoever. Frankly, the only thing I have ever been able to associate with getting H's motor running is vacation or the possibility of pregnancy (he loves kids). That probably sounds strange but that is about it.
Obviously not in a good place right now. I will strive to get my head out of my butt and post better thoughts soon.
Got home after a long and incredibly exhausting day. H was trying to help me out and had dinner cooked then took the kids to the pool so I could grab some "me" time. I felt appreciative (work has been a bear) so I gave H a foot massage while watching tv. We had a nice talk about important family related topics. By the time we went to bed I was too tired to initiate the "talk" but I did say , "Hey H since you got back from you trip I've been wanting to do more in this bed than just sleep." His response? Ok. I said, "OK?" He said, I've just been too exhausted to think about it......and then fell asleep.
WTF? Would it kill him to say, "Gee honey, I've been missing sex with you too. I've just been tired." or "Can't wait for your period to be over so we can have sex." ANYTHING that would lead me to believe that there was ANYTHING even slightly sexually appealing about me.
Quote: Would it kill him to say, "Gee honey, I've been missing sex with you too. I've just been tired." or "Can't wait for your period to be over so we can have sex." ANYTHING that would lead me to believe that there was ANYTHING even slightly sexually appealing about me.
Karen: You're making him responsible for reading the script in your head, and for making you feel sexually appealing.
Why not just accept the fact that you ARE sexually appealing, and stop thrashing him for not following the script? There is no way he will EVER be able to voice those words. Of course he finds you sexy. He is just a guy who can't figure out how to tell you that.
Karen, first, I second what hairdog said. Have you told him this (WTF? Would it kill him to say, "Gee honey, I've been missing sex with you too. I've just been tired." or "Can't wait for your period to be over so we can have sex." ANYTHING that would lead me to believe that there was ANYTHING even slightly sexually appealing about me.) Best to tell him when sex is not on the line, and not a possibility. Tell him how you feel when he doesn't validate you. He can't read your mind, and he probably is clueless that this is bugging you to this extent. If he knew that a simple statement would help to put your mind at rest, I'm sure he'd be forthcoming. More likely, he is seeing it as an all or nothing deal where he just isn't finding the energy, motivation or what have you to commit to a full fledged sexathon and is figuring nothing less is going to make you happy.
I hear ya but I'm not even looking for a particular script. I am just looking for anything that shows that H ever has a sexual thought in my general direction without me having to mention it, wheedle it out of him, jump on him to produce it etc.... Yes, I am depending on him to make me feel sexually appealing because I want to be sexually appealing TO HIM. I am (in general) fairly sexually appealing to men (in general). So what. The ridiculous part is that I could troll for sexual compliments in the general public and get them. At home forget it.
Maybe he can't figure out how to say it. Maybe he witholds saying it on purpose. There are times I'm not sure. I heard him give advice to a young cousin of his. His advice was only to marry someone you feel passion for. The implication in it was that he does feel passion for me. I was hard pressed not to ask him - "So, did YOU marry someone you feel passionate about?"
I realize that I am being grumpy, PMSy and frustrated. I am all three of those but I really am not trying to give H a script in my movie. I am only trying to figure out whether we are in a romance or a tragedy.
