K, Yeah, I've heard and read that it can be very marriage-positive. I'm hoping for that to be the case here. It sounds like your H tries to be very conscientious of your needs, but just isn't getting it in that one department. Is there a way you can tell him that it hurts when it seems like he doesn't recognize that need in a way that he'd understand? Maybe if he knew exactly what it feels like to you he'd have a better idea of how to fill that need.
Yeah GGB, I have told him what the issue is (how I feel about our lack of SL and lack of his displays of desire) and he has even been able to agree that it must be difficult and painful for me. At those times it has been when he has been reaaaalllly keeping his distance. Then he gives some explanation - finances, exhaustion, grief for someone, busy blah...blah...blah In his mind, it is situational. At some point we return to what is "normal" for him and then he considers things fixed - I am "getting sex" (once/week or so but if you skip a week oh well), he is giving me pecks hello/goodbye, we are spending alone time together once in a while, talking and getting along and that is pretty much it. Wow. That list is not even close to my hopes and dreams. When things are great between us the sex might be twice one week, once the next and the occasional "I love you" email or flowers. I still feel shortchanged in the sex department when it is like this - if we had sex twice/week and some nice displays of desire between I could learn to live with it. I would still hope for three/four times per week but I could deal.
Last night we got home from his workout, me taking little kids swimming and he wanted to watch football. No problem. I enjoy football and usually watch with him but I am really exhausted from some work stuff so at 10pm I gave him a kiss goodnight and went to bed. He came in about midnight and cuddled up, rubbed my thigh a couple of times and went to sleep. Once again, I could have "had sex" if I wanted to. He is clearly getting horny. I know it. Does he know it? Where were some kisses on my neck, some touches on the unmentionables? Well - he has to figure this one out on his own. I would love to have sex with him if or when he truly wants me.
Maybe that doesn't sound fair but I'm not feeling fair right now. He needs to be fair to himself. Is he or is he not interested? Does he want me or not? He's never ever been rejected by me so when he works out what he really wants he can let me know. Like the age old question says, "Why would you want to have sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you?"
OTOH - I really do want my H. I still want my H in that teenager fluttery heart, shaking body kind of way. I love his smell, the sound of his voice, his chest hair, his hands on me. To me, he is delcious. Wish he felt the same about me.
We really are in some doldrums on this board. I know I am. Again last night I went to bed at 10pm because I had an early board meeting. I heard H on the stairs around midnight but the baby cried and he went and picked her up then fell asleep on the couch with her until 2am. Well, obviously nothing was gonna happen on a night like that. However, once again I seem to have reached my limit with not saying anything. I sent H an email asking to talk tonight. I don't know what I will say. I don't know how not to sound like a well that just cannot be filled.
Back to the question of "normal" - to H I am probably not "normal" because of the level of my desire for sex and intimacy. To him what is normal is having sex when everyone is in bed on time, there is minimal stress and problems and both peoples bodies are sending unmistakable sexual signals. No wonder once every week or two is "enough" in his book. No wonder there can be a "feast" of twice in one week or every night on vacation followed by a famine lasting for a month or more. I just don't know anymore.
Karen Hugs again to you. Yes, I know the doldrums. I think perhaps some of the root of this is the differences in how you view sex. You'd (like me) like it to soothe, especially after a rough time, and he has to already be in a relaxed state before he'd even consider it. There's got to be a middle ground. From what you've said, it sounds like he does enjoy it and get into it when he gets going, but without the relaxation and hammer on the head signals, he just doesn't get off the starting block. Anything you can do (I know, you are tired of doing it) to nudge him off the block without it feeling like you are dragging him kicking and screaming?
Yep Karen, it was one of those nights. Last night I asked W if we could ML. She answered, "Not now, maybe later." About 10 minutes later I kind of half jokingly told her, "It's later." She said, "Later." When we got into bed, I asked yet again, and again got, "Later." I said, "I'll be asleep later", and she said, "I know."
The "I'm taking you upstairs right now" idea has some merit. However, when I have used an agressive tactic like this H gets mad. As he puts it, sometimes he has low tolerance for being told he isn't doing well enough. However, I notice that he often doesn't really notice the positive comments at all. Maybe I'm not saying things right?
H just called and I know he is feeling stressed. He knows I am feeling very stressed from work as well and I sometimes think that H projects his stress and his own personal preferences in dealing with stress - like, oh, K is feeling stressed I'm sure she would want some space. Sometimes I just want to scream "I do NOT want space. I want you mashed up against me and sweating all over me.
Yeah, I could probably figure out how to "lead him to water" but I just don't want too. KWIM? Tomorrow night we leave for hsi family reunion where we will be sharing our hotel room with multiple children for two nights - Oh joy!
Maybe you just need to tell him on multiple occasions (preferably not when sex is an immediate desire/possibility) that when you feel stressed you don't want space, that boinking is what soothes you best?
I do indeed know what you mean. You can only lead a waterlogged camel to water so many times before you get tired of doing it.
Yuck. hotel room with the kids in the next bed. BTDT, and it does suck. Any shot at getting adjoining rooms, one for the kids and one for you and H? I know, I know, double the price just for leading your camel to water once again. Doping the kids up with benedryl doesn't look so bad all of a sudden
If it were me and MrsGGB, there'd be no action even with the adjoining rooms: they *might* wake up...to which GGB thinks, well, I'll just have to shove a sock in your mouth so you don't wake them then!
Too many kids. We have an adjoining room and even still we get the little ones in our room - baby and 8yo. Oh goodie!
Had to giggle at the waterlogged camel. That is just about the case.
Yes - I think tonight when we have "the talk" that I asked for and he will come into with great dread and trepidation I will point out that sex is the best stress reliever I know. I have often told him things of this nature and he seems to persist in providing the cure that would suit him when he is feeling that way himself. Likewise, I suppose that when I see him looking "down" about something I often persist with stuff that isn't helpful to him.
I have never worried about the kids waking up from the next room. As I posted elsewhere, we often heard little "Mmmms and Aahs" coming from my parents room (we often lived in base housing which had very thin walls). I also remember the comfort of knowing that my parents really loved each other even though as an adolescent it was a little icky to think about. Anyway, if your W won't accept that argument then the benadryl/sock option isn't bad.
Too many kids. We have an adjoining room and even still we get the little ones in our room - baby and 8yo. Oh goodie!
Had to giggle at the waterlogged camel. That is just about the case.
Yes - I think tonight when we have "the talk" that I asked for and he will come into with great dread and trepidation I will point out that sex is the best stress reliever I know. I have often told him things of this nature and he seems to persist in providing the cure that would suit him when he is feeling that way himself. Likewise, I suppose that when I see him looking "down" about something I often persist with stuff that isn't helpful to him.
I have never worried about the kids waking up from the next room. As I posted elsewhere, we often heard little "Mmmms and Aahs" coming from my parents room (we often lived in base housing which had very thin walls). I also remember the comfort of knowing that my parents really loved each other even though as an adolescent it was a little icky to think about. Anyway, if your W won't accept that argument then the benadryl/sock option isn't bad.
