Karen, This post might come off as a little nutty to some, but I'm gonna put it out there anyway.
Have you ever considered asking H to lay off on the porn and see what happens with your R?
I mean, if he's got enough sexual mojo to get him through, let's say, 2 times per week, and he chooses to use porn to take care of it, then I am not surprised that he has little energy left to ML. He's spent!
I think his argument that most men use porn is probably sound, but then again you could fight that by saying, Well most men are sex starved and would rather ML to their wives!
In other words, using porn as an outlet is okay if you are using it to deal with the excess, but to use up all your primary sexual energy?? And have nothing left for anything else? That aint cool!
I realize my timing probably really sucks, as he is leaving tomorrow, but I happen to have the time this morning and wanted to throw it out.
Whatever you have to do, throw the man down, tie him up, whatever, ML tonight and don't let the whole week apart be nothing but resentment and frustration from your end.
I see, in your sitch, a man who dearly loves his wife but "wastes" what little sexual energy he has on silly stuff.
Whatcha think.
Btw, I'm glad to see that you are feeling better and I loved your dream you had. I would want more and more of those. Any contact from the little one at all would be welcome.
I hope you and H come together tonite before tomorrow's send-off. Some space from the kids and some time with your friend sounds like a great way to de-stress.
I brought up the porn in therapy and the C shot me down. (Don't forget this was the C who wound up having a midlife crisis, leaving her H and has both boyfriends and girlfriends now - we don't see her anymore). Haven't had the guts to bring it up since. I truly don't know how often he does it or when he gets the opportunty - with the teens there is little privacy in our home. I have my own computer and so I am never on his to check anything and I think that doing so for an activity that he freely admits would be wrong. Twice a week would probably be the most although he has never said and I haven't asked. However, if we ML at that frequency then I would shut up now wouldn't I? However, it does bear some discussion again sometime. I do think that in some ways that type of fantasy life takes away from the partnership - I didn't used to think so but I have changed my tune.
Seeing my friend will be great. She is a wise woman and it always so good to talk with her.
I DO plan to hogtie, cajole, beg, insist and/or throw my 6'2' H down on the bed if necessary.
The trip was good. I enjoyed seeing my friends. Dropped my two older kids off with the ex in GA while I went down to FL. The ex was in some snit with his finace and wanted me to verify to her what time I met him on I-95 etc... Had to laugh - what a lucky girl she is! I did enjoy the trip. H and his boys had a wonderful time on their trip as usual. We talked a couple of times during the trip. When they go do the guy thing I try not to call. We did ML before the trip but didn't last night. I am a little disappointed but.....
When I got home I came home to quite the shambles left by our 21yo foster son who stayed in the house while we were gone. In addition, someone (some hoodlum friend no doubt) had stolen my 13yo's paper route money out of his dresser drawer. I got home a couple of hours ahead of H and proceeded to try and get things in order before he got home. I called him on the road to update him on this latest round of kid stuff. He was P*ssed. He came home and raised h*ll and probably still is today (I am at work for a few hours getting myself together). I know he is frustrated about the mess and the $$ too but I also know that the primary reason that he is ticked is because he is trying to help and protect me. He didn't want me to come home to that kind of bs when I have such a heavy work week this week. I appreciate his love for me so much.
When we went to bed he snuggled up and said how much he had missed me and that it felt good to share our bed. He made sure to comment on how tired he was (IOW No sex please). I snuggled back and told him that if he woke up and changed his mind (like in our early R) I was game. I am kinda sorry that I didn't pursue him last night because I sometimes think that the I'm tired thing is more a habit than anything that reflects whether or not he wants to ML. Anyway, in deference to the way he consistently puts himself out there for me in other ways I didn't pursue anything. There's always tonight.
Damn it! Nothing again last night. H snuggled up naked with me in bed again and again - nada. He even made his little appreciative noises - "Mmmmm" as I stroked his chest hair and snuggled into his neck (I love his chest hair and I love his smell). The next sound is a soft gentle "Zzzzzz".
Wow - we haven't seen each other in a week and he isn't motivated to make love? I am. I am motivated to do all sorts of carnal activities but I am not motivated to provide his end too. He is such a good man and such a great husband, protector, friend. Why am I the very, very last on the list?
So the question on the list for today is whether there really is "always tonight" because it feel like there is "never tonight." To those folks who make the long list of things that come before ML. I used to do it in my first M too. One day I timed a regular, weekday lovemaking session - 17 total minutes. Don't tell me that you simply can't figure out how to "fit it in" among the laundry, runny noses, making dinner and balancing the check book. When I was LD I used the same excuses. The excuses added up to me being emotionally out of that marriage for several years. That is the scariest part to me about my current H. Is there "always tonight" or are we just on some kind of slow downward spiral to the point where he eventually leaves the M, finds someone more to his liking or what? I am sounding bitter and frustrated today because I am bitter and frustrated.
Welcome back...glad the trip was a good one...and too funny about the ex!
Sounds like your H is trying to be supportive and loving to you; sometimes I feel it's a bit of role reversal from the sterotype---my H wants to feel loved and that it's not just about sex. He seems to shut down when he senses my neediness, and then follows through at another point in time.
What typically happens at this point? Do you push for the sex, and he responds to your asssertiveness? Do you do some version of self-soothing and wait for him to take the reigns? Either way, he has to push through his stuff to come forward...and I think that's the part that's so frustrating, that there is all this baggage that has to be gone through which prevents a natural, spontaneous sex life. Some days I have more patience than others...hang in there!
Thanks. Yes, my H needs to feel the loving connection first before the sex whereas I do the typical guy pattern of thinking "We know we love each other let's have sex."
His very supportive and loving to me. Oddly, ripping off my clothes and having sex with me would also read as supportive to me but he just doesn't think that way.
In answer to your question - sometimes I push for sex and if I do he responds with varying degrees of actual interest. Sometimes I just self soothe. Lately, I have been doing much more of the self soothing route because I just don't have it in me to push. I would love for there to just be a more natural give and take.
Karen, Hugs to you m'lady. I know how frustrating it is to feel like you are the last on his list. Makes it feel like you are just another chore that has to be done, eh? Maybe there is a better time than just before going to sleep? I don't really have any new advice to give you, just writing to say I sympathize and to give you a cyber-hug (not that it is the same as one from your H, LOL). It almost sounds like you are getting to the same don't care state as I seem to have reached. It's kinda blah, but at the same time, I am not feeling the anger I had previously. Guess that is a good thing? Did you ever go to the WWME weekend? IIRC, you were looking into it a while back.
BTW, we are finally getting the NFP thing down to a routine. The abstinence periods had been a bone of contention because she treated them as a vacation from anything sexual while I felt that it would be a time for 'anything but'. Well, it is still that way, but it isn't really bothering me like it did before.
"Neediness". That caught my attention. Why is wanting sex with our spouses "Neediness". Why do LD's not understand that having sex is a normal part of life? Even if a person wants it every day, it is NORMAL. And yet there are people out there (like my wife) that see it as a need and therefore tend to see it as neediness eventually. It just seems so bizarre to me.
Glad that the NFP is going better. It has potential to be a very marriage positive thing. We are going to WWME in November.
I am often very sad that H just seems to look right through me with regard to my physical needs. It does hurt. He is so very careful of meeting my needs in every other arena. Sometimes it is just wearing.
Cemar,
I don't see it as "neediness" all the time but some of the time it is. The book PM mentions "medicating" ourselves with sex. I probably do this sometimes. According to PM when we do this our spouse will sometimes reject us because they don't want to deal with our stuff. When I'm positive that it isn't neediness then I really am frustrated.
