Off the Hamster Wheel, On the Slow Boat to China

[MrsNOP]

H simply doesn't see me as the "someone to talk to." It isn't a reflection on me so much as it is a masculine gesture of not leaning on me when I am trying to heal from something traumatic. What is with this? It makes me angry and frustrated

Karen, I am sorry for your recent loss. I pray that your physical and emotional healing will go well.

I don't think this (above quote) is necessarily a masculine gesture. Someone real close to me suffers from something similar...

I don't know that I would label it as the inability to see you as someone he can talk to. I do agree that there is probably a sense of protection involved.

For instance, if I'm going through a crisis that leaves me questioning the goodness of God and whether or not I am going to come out of it with any faith to speak of - how do you lay that on someone who is going through the same crisis you are, without experiencing massive concerns that you're going to contribute to someone else's spiritual demise?

How to you scream out your grief, give voice to your anger, howl out your frustration - to the person who is going through the very same thing you are - without concern that adding your load might just be the straw that breaks the camel's back?

This is probably even more true, if you are the person in the relationship who can and does more easily give vent to what you're feeling. Because the person who isn't as given (whatever the reason) toward expressing him/herself is going to be even more aware of how vulnerable you are and not want to dump anything more on you.

MrsNOP -

[jenoftheisland]

Karen,

Huge {{{hugs}}}, hope you are feeling ok again soon.

After my m/c, I too thought that having some sort of 'service' was a bit over the top. Would my family think that I had finally 'lost it'??? Anyway, I did finally go out and buy myself a nice little book about angels, and released a helium balloon. I loved the book, and I always think about my 'baby' fondly when I see it.

As for the trip, perhaps you need to use the 'hormones' excuse to lay it on the line, just as you did with us! Tell him exactly what you told us, with the same words even! And then tell him that you're aware of him not being able to 'fulfill' your wishes this year, but that you would love to be able to count on it from now on, and that you'll remind him yearly just in case he forgets!

Hopefully he'll be so overwhelmed by your command of the english language (ie: boink) that he'll agree!

Jen

[karen1]

Thanks. Good thoughts Mrs. Nop. Actually, it is H that would label it as a "masculine gesture." Nonetheless, your point is taken. He is acutely aware that I experience not only the emotional suffering but the physical as well and is loathe to add anything to it. He also knows that I have an ugly tendency (I'm working on it) to feel responsible for things that I am not. He is a good man and I just hate to see him hurting like that.

Karen

[karen1]

H and I had a long drawn out discussion last night. Hooo boy did he let me HAVE it. When we found out we were pregnant I asked him not to mention it to anyone in case we lost the baby. He wanted to tell people. Then we lost the baby and I have been clearly out of sorts and all (so has he) and suggested maybe we should say something to the kids so they wouldn't think it was them.

Well...he let me know that he needed support from people other than me the entire time and my asking him not to say anything really hurt him and is still hurting him. He's not sure he wants to bring it up now because he doesn't want to tell the kids that we disagreed on whom and when we should tell about the pregnancy. I told him that I was ok with bringing it up or not bringing it up, that I was sorry that my instinct to protect our loved ones caused him to feel unsupported. I incredibly underestimated how he felt about it.

It really has a great deal to do with our personal ways of handling grief which are VERY different. I'm pretty sure we are over it but it has been very taxing.

Karen

[karen1]

Hhhhmm interesting word - Con - "fusion."

Well....H and I went out for an hour for ice cream last night and had a nice chat about work, kids etc... Then when we went to bed I rolled over and initiated some play. We still can't ML so my intention was to just give him the bj that I mentioned a few posts ago. He seemed into it and was happily rubbing my squeezy bits (as much as he could anyway). Here's the confusing part - when he came, it was kinda halfway - he did ejaculate but it was too short and he stayed hard for quite a while after like he wasn't quite finished. So I said, "H it feels like you didn't quite finish" since he was making his let's cuddle up and go to sleep actions. He took a looong time and finally said, "No. I didn't finish. We need to get some sleep." This has happened once before with us when we were dating and that time we just went for it again and he had a really good second orgasm. My sense is that he didn't finish because of being tired, still being sad, being pre-occupied or something like that. So.....do I address it more. Do I just leave it? Do I initiate again tonight and help him and me get some closure because my sense is that after only finishing part way last night getting to the finish line tonight would be a piece of cake. What do people think?

Strange aside... I dreamed about the baby last night. It was a good dream. In the dream an intact, partially formed but perfect fetus was floating around in a perfectly clear bubble (amniotic sac) in a sea of blackness like the sky. The whole scene was very peaceful like baby was saying "It's okay Mom. I'm ok." I didn't dream anything like this last time this happened. Last time it was so early that I didn't actually see any fetal tissue. This time I did but it was just kind of a mass and pretty indistinguishable. TMI - I know. Anyway, the dream was very helpful in making me feel that this baby knows that he/she was loved and now he/she is with God. It even felt like maybe this baby was waiting to come back to me later when conditions are right. Who knows. Oddly, I just feel better.

Karen

[Greeneyedlass]

Karen,

I'm so glad that dream made you feel better....and I do truly believe we can be visited that way. I had an experience myself the night my fiancee died, before I knew he was gone.

I'm so glad you received that message
GEL

[sat567]

{{{karen}}} What a beautiful dream. sigh.

Hey, you asked, "Do I just leave it?" about the "half orgasm."

My opinion: Yeah, just leave it. Sometimes I have these. Depending on how I feel at the moment, it's either okay, or it's not okay, and I work very hard at getting the second half finished. But if I decide to let it go until next time, it's no biggie. In other words: Don't obsess about it!



Hairdog

[karen1]

HD,

Thanks. That's what I thought.

Karen

[karen1]

Hi all,

Had to go to a work function last evening. I came home and dropped the kids off and got all dolled up - tight black dress, heels, makeup, hair - the works. H couldn't go with me for several reasons but I had hoped for at least a "you look nice honey." Nothing. Just goodbye and don't stay out too late you don't want to be too tired.

When I came home at 10pm (the dinner thing was 45 min away and started at 7:30) we watched tv and went to bed. I had mentioned earlier in the day that since my spotting had stopped we were clear to ML. H cuddled up and made a few appreciative noises (Mmmm) and THATS IT! I figure that I was probably supposed to move forward on the "MMmm" cue but what was stopping him? And he is leaving on that GD trip tomorrow:[

Tomorrow he and the guys will go as far as "South of the Border" with me then they will go on to Myrtle Beach and I will go on to FL where I will drop off ds13, dd8 with their Dad in Georgia and baby14mos and I will continue to Orlando to see my best friend.

I gotta talk to H. I want to ML tonight and want at least one private type phone call while he is gone. I am not enjoying still hating this trip. I am REALLY not enjoying the timing of it. I know. I know. It really is MY problem not his and I need to get a grip. That is exactly why I post my nuttiness here instead of spill it all over him.

Karen

[cinemanymph]

I dreamed about the baby last night. It was a good dream. In the dream an intact, partially formed but perfect fetus was floating around in a perfectly clear bubble (amniotic sac) in a sea of blackness like the sky. The whole scene was very peaceful like baby was saying "It's okay Mom. I'm ok." I didn't dream anything like this last time this happened. Last time it was so early that I didn't actually see any fetal tissue. This time I did but it was just kind of a mass and pretty indistinguishable. TMI - I know. Anyway, the dream was very helpful in making me feel that this baby knows that he/she was loved and now he/she is with God. It even felt like maybe this baby was waiting to come back to me later when conditions are right. Who knows. Oddly, I just feel better.

Karen, this moved me to tears. ((((Karen))))