The thing I HATE about the trip is that H is not 1/10 as passionate about any trip we go on alone or with family as he is about this trip. I also HATE the vibe of we have to get away from all the WOMEN in our lives or we'll just die. I hate the vibe of we need to be alone with just guys in order to really have FUN. Ok - I am liberally projecting here. These vibes come from jokes they make. Several of the guys are these long time bachelors that simply don't have anyone but this group of guys. This whole trip is a huge "brotherhood" thing to them.
What would make me feel better? If I felt like my H wildly desired me, boinked me every day the week before the trip (ok - every other), left a little note on my pillow the day he left, brought back some FEMININE trinket just for me (I usually get mailed a post card and a t-shirt from House of Blues), said several times how much he would miss me, and came home and boinked me twice that night. OK - I overstated but something like that would sure help. Instead the week before H is in preparation mode and is "conserving his energy" and the week back he is re-organizing himself. I get a call every couple of days, I call maybe once the whole week, and one call is usually a drunk dial where the phone gets passed amongst the whole lot of them. No phone call is one of those private - I love you, I miss you, I can't wait to bury my face in your noun(s). See where I am coming from?
My body finally released the pregnancy this weekend. It was so heartbreaking. H is so very sad too. Sex is still no go medically speaking. I asked him to go to dinner this week before the trip and I plan to find a night to give him the bj of his life even if I have to get past the wax on/wax off defenses.
I refuse to pout no matter how much I HATE this %^& trip. I am a 'four' so I do get melancholy but I have the good sense to mostly keep it to myself.
Karen, Have you ever told him what would make the trip better for you?
Sometimes I think we place too much importance on "not overwhelming" our spouses. They need to see the real us. And then they can make a decision about what to do.
That is harsh, I know...I'm not a harsh person IRL and in fact, I baby my H like there's no tomorrow. But regardless of what changes or doesn't change with us, I feel SO much better when I let it all hang out and drop the pretenses.
Karen, I teared up when I read the "released the pregnancy" words. How awfully sad. How heart wrenching to have your body release the pregnancy without a baby in your arms and something to celebrate. I'm so sorry for you and H. I prayed for you yesterday and will continue to do so.
If I said I have "told" H what would make the trip better for me it would probably be a lie. I have hinted. I have made comments about how it would help if he "spent more time" with me before and after. I have addressed the general feeling that this is the "most important" trip of the year which he started to deny then didn't... Honestly though I probably haven't really addressed the thing that really bothers me which is "When you are running headlong to bikini beach with your buddies I still need to know that you love and want ME not as a wife but as a woman." All the behaviors I mentioned just add up to that. My husband is physiologically unable to hear hints and gentle references. He needs direct conversation. I haven't done that.
Losing the pregnancy was very sad. The other one was so early it was just like a regular period. With this one I could clearly identify what doctors call "products of conception." I had this weird momentary thought of having a burial. Then it seemed maudlin. The best I can do is to take care of my body, exercise, eat right and try again. The doctor isn't worried - just old eggs probably. Prayers are MUCH appreciated.
What about a family memorial service? Maybe you could get the clan together and pray the Rosary or something. Some kind of formal recognition seems like it would help the healing process..
Fwiw, my H is the same way. Not only do I have to use explicit language, but saying it one time (ie, for Trip 2005) would not extend to the next time. In 2006, I'd have to spell it all out again. Frustrating but at least I know what to expect.
I LOVED your line about him wanting you not as a wife but as a woman. That sums up everything I've tried to put in words before but end up stumbling. I'm fairly certain H doesn't ogle other women but I'm positive he doesn't ogle me. He seems dead in the water in this regard and a little sign of life would do wonders for the vitality of our R.
Quote: I had this weird momentary thought of having a burial. Then it seemed maudlin. The best I can do is to take care of my body, exercise, eat right and try again. The doctor isn't worried - just old eggs probably. Prayers are MUCH appreciated.
Karen, to have a burial or some sort of ceremony would NOT be maudlin in the least. What an unkind thing to say to yourself... Maudlin implies an overly sentimental reaction that is disproportionate to the event. Losing this embryo-- whatever you believe about the origins of life-- certainly is worthy of sadness and grieving. As you said, it's not like a regular period. There is a life, a spirit, that had the potential of coming into the body as your child. For whatever reason, that potential was not brought to fruition. And it's totally understandable that you will feel the loss and want to acknowledge it. The "eat right and get on with life" comment-- although good advice-- is the head (logic and reason) trying to dominate the heart (your instincts).
My own personal belief is that souls choose their parents and that the soul that would have been your child has been near you for a while and may still be near you. Sometimes souls only need to be in the body for a short time to fulfill their purpose in this life and then they move back to the spirit side.
I also believe that when the time comes for you to cross over, you will meet this spirit (and the other one, too) and recognize them as your children. [Please no theological flaming... these are words of comfort, not meant to convert anyone.]
Anyway, I think it's absolutely appropriate for you to observe this loss in some way... maybe by planting some flowering thing in your yard, or buying some small, sweet jewelry (like a bracelet). Sometimes people try to make 4's believe that we "feel too much." Not so; our instincts are right on.
Nice ideas about a memorial something. When I was younger I don't think I had any clue how sad something like this was for people. When I knew I had lost this embryo (accurate word) I talked to it and said that I was sorry that it wasn't going to be a part of our family but that it made us happy while it was here. I have always known when I was pregnant. I knew when this pregnancy was failing and I knew when it was gone. It is all very instinctive. I will think about something to acknowledge it and grieve a bit.
On the other subject - H is not a gawker either. He just does not make a habit of ogling women. My wounds about that issue have nothing to do with him. I mostly don't let them get the better of me but sometimes they do anyway. I don't know H is so hurt over the baby I'm really beginning to feel a bit better about his trip and his need to get away. In '06 I will need to remind him again I'm sure.
A recent e mail between H and I: ___________________________________________________________ I want to touch more, but I can't because we're waiting for things to clear up, and so I am frustrated, and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I don't like it. ___________________________________________________________
H simply doesn't see me as the "someone to talk to." It isn't a reflection on me so much as it is a masculine gesture of not leaning on me when I am trying to heal from something traumatic. What is with this? It makes me angry and frustrated.
K, have you told him that it makes you angry and frustrated that he feels he can't talk to you. Maybe if you can open the dialogue it will make it happen.
It may be a good idea to find out if if your clergy perfoms a memorial for lost pregnancy. If nothing else, they can point you in a direction of healing and pray with you.
My prayers are with you.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Maudlin implies an overly sentimental reaction that is disproportionate to the event. Losing this embryo-- whatever you believe about the origins of life-- certainly is worthy of sadness and grieving. As you said, it's not like a regular period. There is a life, a spirit, that had the potential of coming into the body as your child. For whatever reason, that potential was not brought to fruition. And it's totally understandable that you will feel the loss and want to acknowledge it. The "eat right and get on with life" comment-- although good advice-- is the head (logic and reason) trying to dominate the heart (your instincts).