Tee hee. I have to laugh at we HDWs. Yes, I suppose it is tough to ravish the willing. However, under that category I also include scenarios like: a little grab in the kitchen that gets insistent, followed by a suggestion in the ear and a surreptitious trip to the br where you barely get the door closed before you find yourself engaged in partially clothed, standing up sex. That is ravishment if it is driven primarily by the desire of one partner that sets alight the desire in the other.
Here a story of ravishment gone awry. On our honeymoon (only two years ago) H and I were driving to an island festival and I was rubbing his leg. He said, "You better stop or I will pull this car over and f*ck your brains out." Of course, I didn't stop. He pulled the car over in a cove we had visited the day before but alas, there were people there. When we made it back to the hotel several hours (and drinks) later I donned my lingerie, H turned on the tv and proceeded to cuddle with me until falling into a happy drunken sleep. That is probably the closest I have come to ravishment by my H or I might actually be able to remember one other occasion that would qualify.
IHJ - watch the way you refer to yourself. I understand that we sometimes get down on ouselves and our less than stellar contributions to the marriage but we all have our areas where we are repressed and we all can be a b!tch at times.
Quote: fun loving, open and creative woman instead of the repressed b!tch he's had to deal with for the majority of the marriage.
I don't think your H would necessarily prefer my extroverted, drive-for-the-hoop b*tchiness over your repressed style. The "real-life" friend I have who just told me that she is LD reminds me a lot of you. She is a definite Type 4. For me the bad thing about becoming empathetic to LD types is that I start to just think that the real problem is the institution of marriage itself or maybe just monogamy. If it were the 1970s we could husband-swap and learn all the ways in which the grass isn't necessarily greener . I'm almost to the point where I might prefer an arrangement like my twice-divorced Grandmother had. She lived in Detroit and her gentleman friend lived in Ontario and every weekend they'd cross the river to get together but otherwise pretty much did their own thing.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I'm almost to the point where I might prefer an arrangement like my twice-divorced Grandmother had. She lived in Detroit and her gentleman friend lived in Ontario and every weekend they'd cross the river to get together but otherwise pretty much did their own thing.
I think my bf and I have the ideal arrangement. We each have our own houses. At my house I do most of the inside chores/cooking and he works in the garden as much as he possibly can-- he loves it. He also does stuff around my house like fixing and building things. At his house, he does most of the chores and cooking but I also help out with laundry, vacuuming, etc.
This is the first R I've ever been in where the issue of who's doing more around the house, whose turn is it, who's going to cook, etc. is a complete non-issue. We don't keep track of who pays for what-- I mean we each pay the bills associated with our own house, of course, but I'm talking about groceries and stuff. We go grocery shopping together (which we both love to do) and both of us throw stuff in the basket and one of us pays.
Re your H's response to the trip: if he wanted to let you know he was going to miss you, he could have found a better way! I think your absence will be VERY good for him. If you have your cell phone with you, maybe you can suggest some phone sex like y'all had good success with last year.
Laura Huxley (wife of Aldous) said that she felt the ideal arrangement for a couple was to have houses side by side with a drawbridge between them to be raised or lowered as needed.
Thanks Karen. I have been feeling all over the place lately...one minute feeling good about things, the next minute upset about a lot of past issues. Sometimes I feel good about H and other times I am angry...the same is true about myself. I'm trying to re-group and have a relaxing summer but I've been an emotional wreck ( S10 graduating...okay, so it's only elementary school, and D12 leaving for camp). Last nite my H and I ended up ML bc he noticed I was " hormonal" and could use it ( ever the AOS guy).
Thanks for the gentle reminder that self-recrimination isn't really helpful.
Nice weekend in our HH. H had a few drinks on Saturday (which invariably makes him horny) and really put some effort into his pre-bedtime displays of desire. On the one hand I wish that it weren't so difficult for him and that he didn't need to "grease the wheels" on the other I kind of hope that in time that won't be necessary. Prior to our relationship of the last four years H had only actually had IC a handful of times (with two partners). One of my pet theories is that H is actually at the sexual development level of a teenager because of his inexperience. However, unlike a teenager he has years and years of anxieties to wade through to deal with his sexuality.
On Saturday night we were watching some movie which was kind of like a "Toy Story" for adults (I can't remember the name, it was stupid) but in one scene the dolls get together to ML and they do it every which way (think Kama Sutra. It was meant to be funny and H was laughing hyserically (although he is a one position - female superior kinda guy). I could also tell that he was getting aroused. I think that H is interested in all the fancy sexual positions but the anxiety prevents him from asking or even from manuevering that way during sex. I have gotten him to do the "spooning" position successfully and missionary for exactly five seconds (he was uncomfortable that he might squish me or something). If I try to roll over to another position H begins flailing around uncomfortably and makes it clear that me on top is the only thing he feels comfortable with. Early in our R he bought one of those "better sex" videos and watched it but still didn't want to try anything new. Any thoughts on this anyone?
Basically, all is good, we are in reasonable sync. Unfortunately H is going out of town for several days so we aren't going to be ML for that time period. Oh well.
Quote: We have tried to explain it a thousand ways - Deida talks about the feminine desire for "ravishment." This is what the ladies here are talking about when we talk about pursuit.
Hi All, I'm HD husband with LD wife. We have been married 3 years & have 1 yr old daughter. I love my wife very much and I believe she still loves me. We seem to only ML every other month.
I would like to hear from the ladies on this form regarding the quote (both LD & HD ladies). I would love to ravish LDW but fear I would hurt her (emotionally). I know that "no" means no and if she flat out said "NO!" I'd stop. Problem is, I hear every excuse ever made up but rarly "No". Does an excuse = "No"? HD thinking she wants me to pursue. We once ML because I countered every excuse. Details: I rolled over and started kissing her whole body. Wife:"I'm watching TV", Me:"You can watch TV. Let me know if I get in the way". excuse#2, counter, excuse#3, counter, etc. This may not be ravishing but I feel like I forced myself onto her. She ML willingly though. I have no problems pursueing (I need spell check!) my wife. When I catch her, I need to know it's because she let me.
HoneyPot, I've read some of your thread (not all). I'm not in a position to give advice but I was wondering if your H is more like me where he has a fear of... hurting you. We need a green light to know its safe to go. Usually that green light is the wife in prusuit. He knows you want to be prusued but let him know he can never hurt you as long as he understands "NO" is no and "Not Tonight" means you'll get some if you pursue a little harder. Just a thought.
I don't think what you were doing is ravishing; it's more like a playful badgering. To me, ravishing is a passionate kiss that turns into something urgent or just flat out putting your intense desire on the table and hoping that the other person reciprocates.
The problem that SolidMechanic identified the other day is that no one is going to attempt to ravish a person who routinely rejects them. You will not have the confidence to pull it off (why would you) and men, in particular, are going to be very tuned into the "no is no" dynamic.
Having said that, women still like to be ravished. Perhaps the best way to go about it is to ask your wife: If I were to ravish you, how would you like me to go about it?
I admit I had to read your last paragraph several times. The words "not tonight" are simply not in my vocabulary, lol. I realize that's part of the problem. How can he pursue a sure thing, right. Otoh, how can I make it scarce when that goes against who I am and would be an obvious ploy or game.
By pursuit, all I really mean is that I want HIM to be the one who is obviously horny. He waits to see if I am horny before he demonstrates that he is. It gets old having to "go first" all the time.
I asked him point blank the other day if he would show me his horniness sometime without me doing it first and he couldn't answer that.
Thanks for the thoughts on pursuit. I will ponder it some more and see how it applies.
Well, I'm pregnant again (just barely) and will be due 3/16 if everything is ok. H is beyond thrilled. The first thing he said is - great that means six to eight months of you being extra horny and us having great sex.
I wondered when he ever thought I wasn't horny although pregnancy does make me randy. Of course, this hasn't really translated into action yet. We have been inundated with sh*t to do in the evenings and have hit the bed with our eyes closed every night. I also think that H feels kind of uncomfortable until I see the Dr. and she says all is well. I'm only about 4wks pregant now and she probably won't be seeing me until about 10wks or so.
However, H is interested enough that he did schedule an actual go out date on Friday ( I mentioned this date before, I think) despite several obstacles and even having to say "no" to some things. I haven't been upset that he hasn't initiated but I have wished he would. I'm about tired of waiting and I think I will have to get the old ball rolling. Anyway, should be an interesting next nine months - a virtual rollercoaster. I get horny but also weepy, happy, angry and everything in hormonally elevated kinds of ways.
. I'm almost to the point where I might prefer an arrangement like my twice-divorced Grandmother had. She lived in Detroit and her gentleman friend lived in Ontario and every weekend they'd cross the river to get together but otherwise pretty much did their own thing. 
