I am SUCH a four. Not much a suprise right - many helping professionals are fours. I am also primarily upbeat and smiley - until I'm not. I'm not a moper (except internally) and I rarely complain. I have often given H explicit directions for when I am in a "low mood" - like "H I'm not feeling so great. Please make an effort to hug me briefly several times a day. We don't need to have a heart to heart I just need to know you are there." Sometimes he has it in him. Sometimes he doesn't. I generally rebound very quickly - even faster if I have the support. How are you feeling now?
The weekend was difficult. I tried to control the moodiness, except for the times I couldn't; H was supportive except for the times he wasn't, and I tried not to deteriorate when I wasn't getting what I wanted from him. We haven't ML bc of my period and there's The Wall again.
When H left for work this morning I started to miss him, and when he called, I could tell he felt the same. We softened towards each other. He was making logical, practical suggestions about my downness, and I told him that I know what do to and that I am operating on 8 cylinders, giving it my all...he seemed to like this analogy ( he's into cars) and said that maybe I need 12 right now and he can supply the other 4. It was as emotional and empathic as he gets, lol, and it made me feel better, like we are in this together.
I had a pretty ok day today...spent it with my mother...did the right thing, was responsible, but thought about myself as well.
Karen...a special thanks to you for checking in...I know you are going through your own feelings of loss. I really do find this BB supportive.
Quote: We haven't ML bc of my period and there's The Wall again.
This is the part I really hate. It is where I am right now. We can't ML until the mc finishes resolving but does that have to mean distancing ourselves mentally and physically? To my H it does. In response to a similar question he basically he said that he's waiting, that he doesn't like waiting but that since that is what is medically safe that is what he will do. Huh? Since when is it medically unsafe to do the high school thing of "everything but?"
In terms of your low mood, I always notice that I often need to get out of my head in order to find my way out. The answer is most always physically. Sometimes I "get my Martha Stewart on" and clean and organize the h*ll out of everything. Sometimes I put on some music and dance with my little girls. Sometimes I take a looooooong walk. If I have the extra $$ I go get a pedicure and have a therapuetic talk about nothing to the nail girl. Something like that might give your non-working cylinders a little jump start. What do you think?
Quote: We haven't ML bc of my period and there's The Wall again.
This is the part I really hate. It is where I am right now. We can't ML until the mc finishes resolving but does that have to mean distancing ourselves mentally and physically? To my H it does. In response to a similar question he basically he said that he's waiting, that he doesn't like waiting but that since that is what is medically safe that is what he will do. Huh? Since when is it medically unsafe to do the high school thing of "everything but?"
In terms of your low mood, I always notice that I often need to get out of my head in order to find my way out. The answer is most always physically. Sometimes I "get my Martha Stewart on" and clean and organize the h*ll out of everything. Sometimes I put on some music and dance with my little girls. Sometimes I take a looooooong walk. If I have the extra $$ I go get a pedicure and have a therapuetic talk about nothing to the nail girl. Something like that might give your non-working cylinders a little jump start. What do you think?
Karen, Yeah, I do know what you mean. MrsGGB and I hit a good-sized bump in the road over this same issue except as it applies to the fertile period in NFP. She feels abstinence means no touch. I keep telling her that it just means tabA doesn't go into slot B. As long as we observe that rule, we can still do all the high school anything but things. Well, it is on the table now, we'll have to see how it pans out next month.
GGB, who thinks anything but can be quite fun and exciting.
Karen... I do see my part in The Wall...my H instinctively senses when to pull away from me, and I have a hard time conveying to him that when I am moody and down, I do need him. He brought home a candle yesterday, so we are on a warming trend. I also pointed out to him that we haven't had any couples time since my daughter has come back from camp ( 2 weeks now), but this didn't light any idea flames for him. So this morning, I called him up and told him that he has 3 days to come up with a plan for us, or I am going out on Sat nite alone. He called back to say he is making dinner plans for us for Thursday. It's crazy that it has to get to this point... I wish we could both naturally get to a place of doing the right thing for the marriage...we are obviously not there yet. We seem to slide back to the old patterns all too easily.
You are right about the " cure" for the moodiness...anything physical or anything that allows me to detach for awhile really helps.
Journey, Being a typical type 7, I don't instinctively know what people need when they are feeling down. The only thing my mind can come up with is to cheer them up! Isn't that pitiful.
Do you think you could come up with a list of things that you would like your H to do? That might get him thinking in the right direction.
Because on one hand, the replies are: Your h is not responsible for your moods, but on the other there are concrete things that you are wanting him to do when you get down.
It sorta comes off as "I'm not responsible for the fact that you are down, but I'm responsible for cheering you up." Kwim?
Perhaps one way to handle it would be to look inward during these down times and pinpoint what would help you and communicate that to H.
Truly, Journey, I think he'd jump at the chance to help you. He just may not instinctively know what to do. The fact that he's a dude is going to work waaaay against you now isn't it. lol
As a woman, I think I'd know ways to cheer you up, but it would not be instinctive for me to give you space. That seems cruel to me.
Isn't it funny the way the different types approach a situation!
anyway, just wanting to offer my perspective since I believe your husband and I share the same personality type.
Quote: The answer is most always physically. Sometimes I "get my Martha Stewart on" and clean and organize the h*ll out of everything. Sometimes I put on some music and dance with my little girls. Sometimes I take a looooooong walk. If I have the extra $$ I go get a pedicure and have a therapuetic talk about nothing to the nail girl.
This is an example of a 4 behaving more like a 1. Getting up and doing something. It works for me, too, if I can make myself do it.
Honey... I always appreciate your focus on solutions. I am going to make two sets of cards; the first will say, " My mood sucks and it's not about you" and the second, " My mood sucks and it is about you," lol. Just as I feel overly responsible for keeping him happy, he feels overly responsible for making me miserable.
I guess I'd like him to reach over to me in some fashion rather than head for the hills when he scans my face and doesn't like what he sees. I like the idea of staying in better touch thoughout the day as a preventative measure, but once the distance sets in, it runs its course.
Anyway, I am hoping that the wall will come crumbling down on Thurs.
Eeeeeew - I HATE the "diagnostic scan." When I get the "diagnostic scan" I can be almost certain that H is looking for a way out of connecting e.g "She looks sad/depressed/pissed I think I will stay out of her way" or alternatively "Cool - she looks happy so she shouldn't need anything from me and I can do my own thing." Thing is - bad choice on either count.
