Quote: I do have a question I see all these references to type 1,2,3 ect ect.
Chrissy, this refers, not to the five love languages, but to the enneagram, which is a system of personality types. It can get pretty complicated, but, once you get into it, figure out what type you are and what type your spouse is, it can also get pretty fascinating. Read more about it here and here.
I do find that enneagram stuff interesting and helpful. Thanks, Hairdog, for letting us know about it from your C.
Well, this weekend should be interesting. H mentioned he wants to try half-a-Viagra this weekend, woo-hoo,lol. I really don't know what it's going to do for him since he has no medical issues, but who knows, maybe it will provide a dose of self-assuredness to the picture. I also like the idea that he is experimenting with his sexuality; he has been joking with me about it and the tone in the house is funny and light.
He just called and told me he made an appt for a consult for the vasectomy. In true Journey form, I am having neurotic feelings about the whole thing; what happens in the future, if for some unknown life event, I become very LD again and here he is going through all this? I mean, I talk the talk of wanting a good sex life, but now I really have to walk the walk. This is the scary part of my H picking up his pieces of the puzzle and looking at them. Also, this event marks the end of any possible baby-dom ( which I ruled out 5 yrs ago anyway)...but somehow it now feels official. It's like the end of a chapter.
That's it for now...off to the movies...have a great weekend everyone...and D12 comes home tomorrow!!!
ohh Honey believe me I do not worry about if my H gets hard without me. Remember with him it is so all about me. (Part of his denial issues). In my wondering I am usually just trying to look at all the little angles and different takes on a situation to better understand it. Alot of times I wonder things that do not relate to my sitch at all. When I wonder out loud on this BB it is either so others can show me angles I might be overlooking or to coyly show someone there is another way they could look at the sitch. My point in this one was to show IHJ instead of finding frustration in her having to arouse her H she could find satisfaction in knowing she is the cause of his arousal. This is that half full or half empty angle. And from her response I do believe she got the drift of what I was doing. I am working on that fine line of figuring out when a person needs the blunt here it is from my point of view wordage that gets spewed at times and knowing when a gentle nudge of insight will bring the point across just another thought to consider type thing is needed.
Oh and the trying to talk an LDH into doing it spontaneously "now" instead of the chosen night is no different than if your H tried grabbing you and playfully saying You can have it tonight or tonight and tomorrow night.
I myself stated though I do understand the schedule thing is good in someways if it did not take on the same air of scheduling a doctors appointment. If this is a down side of it. I know that I agreed to a min of 8 times a month with my H but if we sat down with a calender and said on this date this date and this date we are having sex I do feel I would be looking at that calender and saying oh [censored] tomorrow is the day a sorta dread that attitude would over take me just like I dread going to the doctors office because I hate sitting and waiting for a hour or so. Its not the doctor I hate seeing but give me enough time to think about sitting and waiting and what else I can be doing and I will find a reason to not want to go. And if I go I am not going to be excitted about it that is for sure. But that is just me and my make up I am very impulsive and I work of my impulses a large amount of the time.
Now the later part your question to me. If my H had just ended or recently ended one of his a@@hole rages. I would simply go tell him to F@CK himself. Flat out. End of story. Now if we are in a calm place. You want truth here it is. I would flash my t@ts or my a@@ and laugh and say I know you want it but you are gonna have to wait until tomorrow to get it bud.(if I did not want to have sex tonight). Or I would do the above and sit on his lap and tell him he can have it tonight but tomorrow night depended on how good he was tonight( if I myself wanted sex tonight leaving the door open for yes or no tomorrow night). See none of this is odd for behavior for me. When my H and I are walking through a store he sometimes will make funny eyes indicating interest in me. I think nothing to flash him my butt or lower belly and say ahhh I know you want it but you cant have it.I have also been known to do the same above when he finds something he wants that is just out of our budget and then say you can have that or this your choice buddy. I am very fun loving in nature and as stated before I am very comfortable with my sexuality and sensuality and I lack most inhibitions so I lack that fear of rejection aspect. But I have been rejected so do not think I do not understand where you guys are coming from. But I find a challenge in it instead of taking it personal. And I love a challenge. To me the getting to the I think on some nights my H would say, You're on!! and we'd have loads of fun with it. makes the challenge exciting. I truely believe alot of marriages suffer boredom which overflows and becomes issues of other sorts. I know I suffer boredom and when I get bored I become discontent.When I become discontent it is with everything not just one thing. So if I look at things as a challenge instead of a issue it helps take away from the boredom helps stifle the discontentment gives me something to rise up to and gives me a sense of selfworth. Backlash to this is once things stop being challenging I then again become bored and discontent and have to look for another challenge.
Hope you are all having a glorious day I myself am about to take a shower and go pick up S12 that I have not seen since Sunday.
Chrissy, When you say you have been rejected, are you talking about in another relationship? Or was there a time when your H was LD? Or are you just saying that he has turned you down from time to time?
I suppose the kind of rejection I am talking about is a long term type thing. There is simply no way to imagine that unless you have lived it. To know that your H, while he finds you attractive, could take you or leave you is very damaging to a woman's sense of self. If I were to flash my H in the manner you described, he'd think it was gross.
But, anyway, now you've got me curious: Were you ever the HD partner in your marriage?
D12 is home from camp...it was so exciting to see her bus pull in and that first hug was delicious! She really appreciates being home and it's just such a comforting feeling seeing her face again; this will last about a week before things turn back to " normal". It was a strange weekend for my H to do his Viagra experiment...we really had no couples time ( had a family dinner on Sat and a kids party on Sunday) and I myself was not in much of a sexual mood. But take the pill he did on Sat nite, and all I have to say is wowwwww! From my POV, there was no change in him physically, but mentally he was like another person...confident, in charge, and fun! Afterwards, my H commented that for him, the sensation wasn't as good because he felt more swollen/numb and disconnected from the feeling ( bummer). For me, the disconnect was good because he was focused on me, moving me in different positions, playing with me with his "toy" which he nicknamed "the club." Again, I didn't find anything physically different..."just" his attitude. I guess he really does spend a lot of time being self-focused and worrying about being hard and about his own sensations; this really was nice for a change of pace!
Anyway, he said he would do it again as a monthly treat. I gave him lottsa praise for coming up with a new idea,and just being more open and less defensive. Just the fact that we can talk about some of this stuff is amazing in and of itself.
Yesterday I was in full mom mode entertaining kids all day...I was upset with H because I was doing most of the work and he was sitting back and letting me knock myself out, which reminded me of when the kids were young. He is fine when I ask him to do something but he doesn't tune in to what I might need, and I find myself just doing stuff without him because it's easier for me. This is MY issue--- I need to communicate with him in a more direct manner; hit him over the head with my own club.
I ended up crashing early last nite; when he came to bed he wanted to talk and I made it clear I was SLEEPING! I had to just take care of myself. We both woke up at 4 am and I could feel I missed him and he missed me, and we came close together and ML quietly.
It's all the same stuff week after week, communicating, expressing needs, self-absorption vs. caring about the other's POV, etc. Just trying to move forward and not spiral downward, and we seemed to do that this weekend.
I am glad your D is back. I wish my D would come home. Oh thats right she is married she won't be coming. And if she does it will be with H in tow. lol.
Sounds like the medicine was just what the doctor ordered a dose of self confidence. I was really wondering myself if a person took it that did not have ED issues if they would be the one seeking medical help for erections lasting more then 4 hours lol. Guess we can take your experience as a no to that. Of course those four hours before knowing you need to seek medical advise may be quite interesting if you kwim.
Chrissy... I have to say, I am sooo not ready to for D12 to turn D18. The post about your driving your with your D to get her situated in her new marital space was so poignant; the "detachment" served you well to do what needed to be done. This parenting thing is not easy...just hope I can stay strong through it all; I could use some major doses of wisdom and patience.
There are posters here who have already experienced the empty nest stuff, and I have to say, the whole idea of it kind of scares me. I am hoping when H and I reach that point we will be on more solid ground.
And yes, the whole Viagra experiment really seemed to supply H with a dose of confidence; hopefully, in time, he will find that feeling within himself. Hope is always good.
Her post nearly made my heart stop beating in my chest and my oldest is five! What heartbreak these children cause their poor mothers! (ok, and dads too..)
Ahem, anyway.
Journey, I'm so glad that things are getting interesting in your house. A dose of novelty is a good thing, to paraphrase ol Martha.
Wisdom is one thing I do not have on this subject. I have wondered over the course of this month if my detached person moving there daughter gave the daughter the thought that I did not care she was leaving. Of course had I have not taken that detached person moving there daughter attitude she may have thought I needed to be in a nutty bin. lol
Wisdom again is not mine but fear oh yes I have four children. Youngest is S10. I have really projected into the future of what I will do when he his gone. I have seriously considered having another child. I am 42 and have fear of what ifs due to my age is the only thing that has stopped me. I see me as being one of those people with 30 cats dogs and geese in future life to fill that void. So 8 years from now when you see the humane society siezed 100 animals from lonely lady in NC article it will probably be me!
