Journey, As a WOA guy, I can see how that would drive someone who doesn't have that LL nuts. Try looking at it this way, the need for that recognition can almost run as deep as the need for touch. So that means for us with touch as primary and WOA as second LL, getting neither will cause us to wilt away a feel totally unappreciated. I know it can be annoying to praise for basics like doing the dishes or something as mundane as that, but like in my sitch where my spouse only does dishes with a gun to her head and even then makes me help , like the time I had a nasty thing on a finger that couldn't get wet she insisted I still help dry things . So just noticing that he did things and giving the extra praise when necessary will help his need for WOA. An "Atta boy" slap on the butt will go over even better.
Scott -Who as a customer service rep all day sometimes needs some positive feedback after providing cheerful and effective service to humanity all day.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
Scott... Part of the problem is that H would do something that HE wanted to do, and then seek me out for praise, trying to act as if it were something I wanted. Sometimes I didn't even want him to get absorbed in some project because it would take away from QT we could be having together. He'd immerse himself in what he wanted to do and then want my approval. ( wow HP... I just realized one source of my resentment).
He and I have come a long way... we now make plans for QT and he checks in more when doing a project. We never really negotiated our free time very well, and somewhere along the line I accomodated to his schedule. Projects are his way of escape, and I felt left out, or he would get involved and it was hard to connect with him to do other stuff.
Anyway... I do recognize that I have been withholding in the WOA area and am going to make some changes.
Quote: We never really negotiated our free time very well
This is such a good way to phrase it, J!
If you ever talk to H about this, I would suggest putting it this way. It lays out the problem without placing blame and, at the same time, looks forward to a future of doing a better job.
Do you two have any shared projects or interests? H and I were talking again last night about getting our homebrew thing off the ground, or going to a B&B when he gets a new job..just basically dreaming about "us" things to do, in the future. We absolutely wilt, as a couple, when we do not specifically and intentionally carve out time where we have shared interests. It doesn't even have to be something that we DO, it can be something we like to talk about or plan for.
I know what you mean about the projects and time taken away from the family. We sorta have that issue here. The fact that we have such small children has, for the time being, forced us to not go our separate ways so much but I can foresee a future where we will really have to fight the tendency to do our own thing. I'm hoping that the groundwork we are laying now will help us make that transition better.
Crap. I have two kids crying. They just woke up so mom's playtime is over!
Well, last night I had a nightmarish dream, along the lines of what Hairdog once had. I never remember my dreams, but this one woke me out of my sleep and freaked me out. In it, my daughter ( who was much younger, around 3) was in the hospital for something routine ( I don't know what) but somehow ( and again I don't know what) a mistake was made and she died ( it's freaking me out just to write this). My H and I were in a major state of grief and split up; he went on to be a world champion body builder ( ???) and I became a depressive, non-functional mess. I would read about him in the paper. My son was not in the dream at all.
The dream fast-forwarded to yrs later, when after a long period of time, H and I sat down to talk about the lossof her and possibly reconcile. We both started to cry and then I woke up.
I'm still shaken up by this...the fact that I could dream such a horrible thing...it really was horrific. I didn't mention it to H.
Dreams can really suck sometimes. I'm not going to get into the game of interpreting this one. I just want to empathize with you and let you know...I know how you feel.
Quote: I became a depressive, non-functional mess.
Here's a thought. People who worry alot about becoming depressive, non-functional messes are probably less likely to find themselves in that state than the average person. Just like distractable people like me are more likely to be punctual than the average person because we worry about it so much. Maybe neurotic thoughts or behavior are the result of overcompensating for your perceived natural faults and tendencies.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Journey, The dream is probably subconscious worrying about your daughter being away for so long. I've figured out that if I'm stressed or worried about something, it shows up as a theme in my dreams.
Scott -Who also doesn't remember dreams except parts of the one where his bladder is telling the brain to wake and make a midnight potty run.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
My first thought was that your D symbolized your marriage, in the dream.
However, I am the first to scoff at dream interpretors and so what do I know.
I do hope that you have been able to shake it off, tho.
It would be hard to dream something like that and have your precious baby be away from home. Mine are at my MIL's for the afternoon and I feel so terribly sad. I was mean to D3 this morning because, well, because she is a full time stinker, but now I don't have the chance to give her loves and hugs to let her know how much she means to me.
I called my MIL and she said, Aw don't come get them early! so I will have to wait it out and let my parental guilt do its number on me.
I agree Scott... the dream is extreme, but there are kernels of truth in it. I am worried about D12, and I know under stress H and I cope differently and can come apart instead of helping one another. I have been organizing her room like crazy this am,lol, and have decided not to tell H about the dream.
He is home today and is out doing a few errands; we had a nice breakfast this am after sending S10 to camp, and were planning on checking in with my parents and playing tennis at their complex, but it's raining. We're having a good rapport but it's that roommate feeling, and tonite we're supposed to ML. In particular, I had the guts to ask for something a bit kinky( yay me). Poor H, the pressure is on.
Oh and HP, about the recreational planning...we really do a much better job of this, despite being natural opposites. I love books, movies,and music while H is outdoorsy; I like to travel and H is a homebody; I like to plan, H is spontaneous, and on and on. We are grounded this summer, after so many expenses, not the least of which is the thousands we spent in MC to hear we need more fun in our lives.
Anyway, I hope we can get a spark going tonite...should be interesting.
, like the time I had a nasty thing on a finger that couldn't get wet she insisted I still help dry things 
. So just noticing that he did things and giving the extra praise when necessary will help his need for WOA. An "Atta boy" slap on the butt will go over even better. 
