I was thinking about how you and your H are probably kind of the opposite of me and my H in terms of your drive for "joyless perfection". For instance, I bet you guys have one of the nicest kept lawns on the block and I will tell you we definitely have one of the worst lawns. I think the dynamic in our marriage that drives us towards poor lawn care is that neither of us is willing to accept responsibility for the lawn because I find lawn care (as opposed to gardening) boring and it gives me no personal satisfaction and though I like our neighbors I don't really care what they think of my lawn care skills. OTOH, my H really does care what the neighbors think- it effects his self-esteem but he tells himself that he doesn't like the neighbors and that's why he doesn't do a good job on the lawn.

I'm really not trying to hijack here . I feel like there's sort of an opposite dysfunctional dynamic in your marriage but I'm not sure how to continue the analogy.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver