Journey, I am responding here so as not to hijack JJ's thread any longer.
I want you to know that, though I'm organized now, I used to be a MESS. I couldn't keep house, balance a checkbook, be on time, nothin. My H helped me get on track and stay on track.
Unfortunately, he still has this mental image of me, sometimes, as this fcuk up type person and he can really sting with his critical words and "you are like THIS" comments. I haven't been like THAT in years, close to 10 now, so I resent those comments.
And I do agree with Jenny. My type 7 personality doesn't really notice or care about fine detailing on projects that don't concern me in the first place, such as dusting. But I do the bangup job because I want my H to be happy and proud of me. These are things that matter to HIM, so it seems quite natural to me to want him to notice and say something.
As far as praising for jobs well done, well, again I am challenging you (feel free to tell me to back off ) to look inside and figure out why you would praise your kids for doing something that needs to be done, but not your h.
Even a "hey thanks!" is WOA, in my book. Or "that looks nice". Short and sweet and simple. Not lavish or anything but enough to keep him coming back for more.
Lemme ask you this: If a friend does something nice for you, do you praise them for it?
Just some WOA food for thought.
I liked your post about your daughter's camp. It gave me lots of food for thought. My oldest is 5 and is not strong in social situations--she's still learning. I have had to force myself to back off and let her learn these lessons on her own. It's SO hard. So I read your update with keen interest.
I especially liked how your husband opened up to you about his own childhood and how he was like her. It's moments like these that really draw the two of you closer, eh.
I was thinking about how you and your H are probably kind of the opposite of me and my H in terms of your drive for "joyless perfection". For instance, I bet you guys have one of the nicest kept lawns on the block and I will tell you we definitely have one of the worst lawns. I think the dynamic in our marriage that drives us towards poor lawn care is that neither of us is willing to accept responsibility for the lawn because I find lawn care (as opposed to gardening) boring and it gives me no personal satisfaction and though I like our neighbors I don't really care what they think of my lawn care skills. OTOH, my H really does care what the neighbors think- it effects his self-esteem but he tells himself that he doesn't like the neighbors and that's why he doesn't do a good job on the lawn.
I'm really not trying to hijack here . I feel like there's sort of an opposite dysfunctional dynamic in your marriage but I'm not sure how to continue the analogy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
My problem with the WOA is that he fishes for them...seeks me out and doesn't really give me a chance. He does these projects of his own volition, things that really don't make a difference to me in the first place, and comes looking for praise. Trust me when I say this that it does get annoying. I am appreciative of the things I have asked him to do, or things that need to be done, but this has the feeling of a kid pulling you over to show you his latest finger painting, and then I back off on praise in general ( and yeah, there's probably good ole marital sadism in there to boot).
But eventually I learn, and yesterday when he came home from work I lavished him with WOA for thinking of me and taking me to lunch, and that I had a wonderful time. he was beaming.
So yes, my sis, together we will conquer these issues ( I am envious of you and JJ with multiple real life sisters).
JJ... You are onto something because we do have one of the nicest lawns in our neighborhood,lol. I love flowers and nature and landscaping and H loves to keep it nice. Your yard would bother me and my H would feel compelled to straighten it up.
Maybe if you up the WOA, he will stop with the finger painting displays.
I'm with you on that one. That'd drive me nuts.
My H used to do a variation on that theme. He'd show me something but in his self deprecating way...look at this, I totally screwed that up..man I suck at this...etc. I'd sigh (inwardly) and give him the words he was lookin for.
Now I just praise straight away and don't even give him a chance to cut himself down. The changes in him are really amazing. Again, they're nothing that have turned around our M, but it has changed the way he thinks I view him. He now sees a reflection of himself--in my eyes--that is pleasing to him.
P.S. You are really hanging in there w/ D being gone. I'd be a basketcase!!
JJ... I think what hapens is that my H reacts to my perectionism, which is an inner trait, and does the work necessary because of his fusion with me. He then takes it to another level because he enjoys the external validation from the world. He has always used me for direction, but then takes it to more of an extreme, and in the process, disconnects from me. It's no longer about us.
How do you think your H would deal with a Type 7 gardener wife like me? Someone who spends weeks making elaborate plans for a sunken garden bed based on something she read in a 18th century novel is so initially enthusiastic that she starts trying to dig the bed in the spring before the ground is completely thawed, is too impatient to bother figuring out whether the water lines might be in her way, is so involved in the project that she gives no care to her personal appearance and goes around covered with mud and twigs in hair and serves her family nothing but hotdogs and spaghetti for a month because she has no time to cook and blew the household budget on garden supplies. Also, the odds are only 50/50 that her mania will result in a beautiful sunken garden that will be the envy of all your neighbors because if her enthusiasm dies before the project is completed you will have nothing but a torn-up circle of lawn filled with weeds by August.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Just a quick thought about the WOA with friends. I have a best friend whom I have known for about 23 years or so. And yes, we exchange frequent WOA. I often tell her what a wonderful Mom she is, or great friend. I always thank her for her kind gestures. She does the same for me. I would venture to say that she complements me on my appearance at least as often as my H does and she lives several states away. What's more she gives specific compliments - like that dress really shows off your legs OR that haircut brings out your eyes. H could take some lessons from her. I could stand to use the same tactics with H that work in my R with her.
Oh Jenny, this is so funny. 7's really are such idjits. That is totally something I'd do too.
I have a high rate of finishing projects only because I'm married to my H. He really helps me and supports me and encourages me, without badgering or looking down on me for my can't-stick-with-it-ness. In this respect he really brings out the best in me. I have never looked up what it's like when a 6 is married to a 7, but I'll bet this is one of the pluses.
) to look inside and figure out why you would praise your kids for doing something that needs to be done, but not your h.
. I feel like there's sort of an opposite dysfunctional dynamic in your marriage but I'm not sure how to continue the analogy. 
