Well, it was quite a weekend. We went to vist D12 at camp, and looking back, I can see that I was pretty stressed about this and one reason why I was more reactive than usual with H. My daughter has a lot of talents ( she excels in school and was put into the gifted track in 3rd gr; she's very artistic and is musically inclined as well; she's decent at sports; she is very pretty to look at with these killer blue eyes) but the major problematic area for her is personality/social skills. She can be very disconnected and has little desire for interaction with friends, and would really be more of a loner type had she not been so quick to pick up things...attention comes to her. My H and I do our best to keep her in the mix of things, and felt it was impt for her to go to camp. She's done day camp and was bored so we opted to send her for a month to sleepaway ( have done this now for 3 yrs), making sure she is with a nice group of girls.
While she tolerates this experience, she clearly is unhappy. You'd think I would learn, but this is just not the right environment for her. Too many kids on top of her, too much socialization. Her joy is taking out her sketch book and making pictures for her bunk...not exactly the verbal skills I was hoping would come from modeling her friends' behaviors. She is who she is, and I will take a more gentle approach with her for next yr ( she'll attend an art camp close to home).
Anyway, how does this pertain to SSM? All along the car ride home, my H was opening up, talking about how difficult social interaction was for him as a kid, and how much he sees traits of himself in my D. He also told me that he was drawn to me in college because I was happy and connected with a nice group of friends. He was saying that our D hadn't yet learnd how to " cover up" her deficits, which is what he said he is/was doing. We talked about the fact that the " flood therapy" wasn't working and the idea now is to gently push her out of her comfort zone. She doesn't have to " cover up."
As I see it, over the yrs my H really became more practiced in his social interactions and I became more hermitized. H told me that he respected, but also resented, how easy it is for me to interact when I choose to. I told him I have found that a lot of the social stuff is BS and I enjoy genuine connection, which I feel he is very capable of. I told him I felt D was a very genuine person and that's really what is important.
We are opening up to our deficits and becoming closer. I told him I have a zillion anxieties and that his physical presence is so comforting to me. We came home and did some intimate holding and touching, but no sex. He said he was feeling " off" and if we could wait til Wed, and of course I agreed, and said let's do more of the cuddling stuff.
So, for our family, we are working towards acceptance of the flaws, lowering defenses, being who we are and becoming closer( hopefully).
