Maybe he just meant to convey what somebody would mean if they said "We've been eating too much barbeque and ice cream lately.". If your H is a Type7, he might say this because he is trying to fight against his own self-indulgent nature. He is giving himself dictatorial orders, not you.
H is a combo of 3, 7, and 9...he has the spontaneity, distractibility and self indulgence of a 7 and does his best to avoid painful issues; there are times when he has the peaceful, laid back, passive demeanor of a 9; over the yrs, I think he has fought all these characterisitics to become the achiever( 3). His 2 siblings are both extremes...he has a very controlled, perfectionistic, anorectic sister and a chaotic, happy go lucky brother.
His 3ness comes out at work---he has stayed for over 12 yrs at a job that he is really not happy at because of financial reasons, and is very disciplined regarding diet and exercise, with the occasional slip-up, and in general is hard on himself and on me. He is at his best when he is relaxed, at home, having a few people over for a BBQ where he can just chill, but also be of service. I love seeing him friendly, warm, kind, funny...and happy.
I guess I am reacting because he sometimes gets this authoritative tone with me and I feel shut out. At times he is just too self-preoccupied and I'm not in the equation. When he make declarative statements like that it sets me off.
On Wed nite we had a big fight...we haven't had one this bad in awhile... I was bringing up some issues from the past, which I tend to dwell on when I am not feeling right about things. Bad communication on my part, I know. I provoked him with my " negativity" and everything spiraled downward into a drama, with tears and all. We ended up ML and are officially sexually burnt out. I am now trying to rekindle the good, loving feelings between us. Lottsa cuddling this am, and tomorrow we get to visit D12 at camp. I'm somewhat drained at the moment.
HP... I have resolved so many times to put the past in the past, to not indulge in negative thinking, to communicate better, to do all this work, and it bothers me that I can become derailed so easily. It's a combo of stress, tiredness, hormones, etc that lowers my ability to HOM, and then I am back on the negativity trail. Even though there can be some benefit to rehashing the old stuff, I am seeing that it's really not worth it.
What set me off was not being "considered"...I know this will come up again, and hopefully I can express myself better ( anything would be an improvement over Wed's fiasco).
Ido feel better having released some tension with him, and now we're in lovey-dovey mode...he has called twice already today to check in. I am sure we will have a nice visit with D12 tomorrow. We are driving 3 hrs tonite in a horrible rainstorm...I just told him I thought it would be better to wait til tomorrow morning ( we need to be there at 10) esp since he has to put in a full work day, but he ix-nayed that idea. sigh.
Journey, I can understand him doing reacting like that to old stuff being pulled out. I'm more of a 5 and 9 on the Enneagram. I've also taken a job that's not in my field and been at for 16 years because of financial and benefit concerns. His relaxing is like my enjoying my extracurricular stuff, it feels like I get to be "me" more. Also my spouse has had a habit in the past of bringing up old stuff in arguments, which she seems to be reforming herself. Now if she'll only understand that twice a month on her schedule is driving me batty, life will be better.
Scott -Who maintains control dispite it being Friday and his co-workers are wearing nicely fitting jeans and skirts.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
Scott... When I am in a better space I can more clearly see the many ways he is trying to improve himself and be a good family man; I also understand his struggles and the sacrifices he makes to go the distance with me. He pulls back by being controlling, self-centered, defensive, etc. when I least expect it, and can't see the effect it has on me. It would suit me to remember the whole picture, that he has to push through his issues to keep a regular sex life going, that as a man the pressure does fall on him for arousal, and he has maintained ( although mainly on his terms) a twice weekly schedule for the past yr.
I am a bit softer right now because he came home to get a few things ready for the trip tonite, and when I asked him again if he would rather wait til tomorrow ( we are having major bad weather here) he said, " I want to go up and see my little girl." Not that we'd see her any faster, lol, but I get what he means, and it's touching.
Journey, Here is something that helped me. After reading the Gottman books, I realized that a positive word goes so much farther than I thought. They suggest saying 5 positive things for every negative thing.
I don't know if I have pulled that off, but what I've done is made sure that our topics of discussion have AS MUCH cheerleading as rehashing. These days with H's job woes, the cheerleading has hit an all time high and the complaints an all time low, but you get my drift.
Perhaps a way to rein in the desire to rehash is to ask yourself what positive words you have doled out to H that week. You mentioned that you see all the ways he is trying to be a better husband--do you tell him that regularly?
I guess I'm thinking that he might be more receptive to the rehashing if the compliments, praise, and goodwill were so profuse that this was a blip on the screen.
5 to 1. I thought that was pretty powerful. The title of the book was something like The secrets of successful marriages--I know I screwed that up, but you get my drift. The idea was that they took people and hooked them up to biofeedback monitors and then observed them as they spoke to each other. They recorded blood pressure, etc, and all the behavioral and speech patterns and what the differences and similarities were between the sexes. Totally fascinating stuff.
Anyway, 5 to 1. That stuck in my head, as I knew it was an area I was lacking. I am a naturally cheerful person and yet I rarely complimented him or praised him. Either it was neutral chit chat conversation or it was me telling him something negative. This was an eye opener for me.
Now that I am lightning quick to praise, I find that H takes my constructive criticism or resentment airing much better. Sometimes he even brings it up himself, which is really astounding.
Hang in there and I'm so happy that you will soon reunite with your baby! Have a good time and BE CAREFUL in the storm.
HP... H and I are both stingy ( is that how you spell stinge-y?) on the WOA, so yes, I have a lot of room for improvement in this area, and yes, it will have to begin with me. I haven't read Gottman's books, but I do know that his work is based on good research.
It is so helpful to post here and get back on track. Wednesday's disaster was a real blow out, the way you might binge after dieting or the way a sports team just falls apart every so often. You have to pick up the pieces and start again.
I don't get how some people come to this BB, find a quick solution and are off to happyville, when for me, it's like 2 steps forward, 1 step back type of deal.
HP I am reading the gottmann books now. The things that impressed me were all of the nagative comments going back and forth. some from me were "I don't like" statements and from Bb " you always something bad".
I think the 5 good to 1 negative is just a starting place and if a person's R with their spouse is really bad maybe the good statements need to be 25 to 1 bad/negative statement. Difficult to do sometimes but as you say you have to zip it if you want things to change.
In business there is an idea that it takes 25 good customer interactions to overcome 1 bad transaction. That is why I said the 5 good to 1 bad is a minimum place to start.
J, Isn't it funny how the blowouts--that used to be not that big of a deal--now feel SO bad because of how far you've come?
Shake it off my dear. It was a step back but you've already recovered that ground with the goodwill you are showing each other today.
And, fwiw, I think it is perfectly normal to have a back-and-forth thing as the R is getting all the kinks worked out. Personally I think the other couples are in denial about being in happyville. LOL
Gotta go make jam.
P.S. I have all 3 of my kids sleeping and I am outta here!
Well, it was quite a weekend. We went to vist D12 at camp, and looking back, I can see that I was pretty stressed about this and one reason why I was more reactive than usual with H. My daughter has a lot of talents ( she excels in school and was put into the gifted track in 3rd gr; she's very artistic and is musically inclined as well; she's decent at sports; she is very pretty to look at with these killer blue eyes) but the major problematic area for her is personality/social skills. She can be very disconnected and has little desire for interaction with friends, and would really be more of a loner type had she not been so quick to pick up things...attention comes to her. My H and I do our best to keep her in the mix of things, and felt it was impt for her to go to camp. She's done day camp and was bored so we opted to send her for a month to sleepaway ( have done this now for 3 yrs), making sure she is with a nice group of girls.
While she tolerates this experience, she clearly is unhappy. You'd think I would learn, but this is just not the right environment for her. Too many kids on top of her, too much socialization. Her joy is taking out her sketch book and making pictures for her bunk...not exactly the verbal skills I was hoping would come from modeling her friends' behaviors. She is who she is, and I will take a more gentle approach with her for next yr ( she'll attend an art camp close to home).
Anyway, how does this pertain to SSM? All along the car ride home, my H was opening up, talking about how difficult social interaction was for him as a kid, and how much he sees traits of himself in my D. He also told me that he was drawn to me in college because I was happy and connected with a nice group of friends. He was saying that our D hadn't yet learnd how to " cover up" her deficits, which is what he said he is/was doing. We talked about the fact that the " flood therapy" wasn't working and the idea now is to gently push her out of her comfort zone. She doesn't have to " cover up."
As I see it, over the yrs my H really became more practiced in his social interactions and I became more hermitized. H told me that he respected, but also resented, how easy it is for me to interact when I choose to. I told him I have found that a lot of the social stuff is BS and I enjoy genuine connection, which I feel he is very capable of. I told him I felt D was a very genuine person and that's really what is important.
We are opening up to our deficits and becoming closer. I told him I have a zillion anxieties and that his physical presence is so comforting to me. We came home and did some intimate holding and touching, but no sex. He said he was feeling " off" and if we could wait til Wed, and of course I agreed, and said let's do more of the cuddling stuff.
So, for our family, we are working towards acceptance of the flaws, lowering defenses, being who we are and becoming closer( hopefully).
