Quote: HP... He has gotten a lot more open about expressing his desire. As I mentioned earlier, he will make suggestive comments or grab/squeeze me; he'll discuss when he'd like to ML and is making it clear he wants a sexual connection...I guess what's missing is the arousal part of it all. He feels desire for me but the arousal takes longer, and this is what gets me upset. I would be very excited if he pressed into me and I felt his hardness against me, but that never happens. Is there anything in SSM about arousal following desire?
I don't know about SSM but this book I have been reading treats this subject. I talk about it in my thread below "Reclaiming Your Sexual Self." This book is pretty much written for the LD woman, but it has a bunch of good stuff in it for all LDs and people married to LDs. Here's a quote from my thread about the books comments on arousal and desire:
Quote: She makes the distinction between what she calls "desire" and what she calls "arousal." Desire (these are her definitions for the purposes of the discussion in her book-- others may have other definitions outside this book) is NOT accompanied by physical sensations. Arousal is the next stage, when there are physical sensations present. She makes the point that early in a relationship desire and arousal will usually happen simultaneously, and we probably think they are one and the same thing. Later, after you are more familiar with each other, when you're sleeping in the same bed every night, after kids, jobs, etc., desire and arousal may separate like a single highway that splits in two. Now, later in the relationship, because we don't feel the physical sensations of arousal that always used to happen with desire, we assume there is NO desire. Desire very likely still is present-- namely, a desire to be physically close, to express love, to do The Thing that feels so good once you start Doing It. This "desire" needs to be recognized and acted upon. Once things are underway, arousal will follow. This matches what some have said on this board about being aware of the flickers of desire and not ignoring them.
This approach makes sense. Think of it. In the early stages of the R, all you had to do was know that your SO was going to call or be over that night, and your engines started revving. Now, after years together, you think of him/her coming home and you physically don't get that "engines revving" feeling, so you conclude that you no longer desire him/her. But she's saying this is not true. Desire is wanting and at this stage of the R is a mental thing. Some may still feel desire and then arousal (physical sensations) very quickly even after years together. This is not to discount them. But the point is, that even if the two don't appear together, that doesn't mean desire isn't present or that you are no longer "in love."
