It may be a cliché, but it’s true nonetheless – beauty is only skin deep. And it won’t last anyway. It would be great if W was physically beautiful, but it’s certainly not a requirement. I’m attracted to her for who she is, not for how she looks.
I know that’s really not an answer to the question, but it’s all I have. Anyone with any maturity has to realize the truth in that. I mean Raquel Welch is still pretty hot, but no way can she compete with Heidi Klum. If looks are required for attraction and/or desire, we’re all in a heap of trouble.
Quote: Journey, lemme ask you this: When your husband does show desire, how does he do it and what do you do in return?
HP... He has gotten a lot more open about expressing his desire. As I mentioned earlier, he will make suggestive comments or grab/squeeze me; he'll discuss when he'd like to ML and is making it clear he wants a sexual connection...I guess what's missing is the arousal part of it all. He feels desire for me but the arousal takes longer, and this is what gets me upset. I would be very excited if he pressed into me and I felt his hardness against me, but that never happens. Is there anything in SSM about arousal following desire?
Earlier this evening after coming home from work, H asked me to lay down and take a rest with him and I did...he initiated kissing and all and some feels, then left it at that. He asked when to ML and we decided tomorrow nite...all of this is wonderful and I am not complaining( okay I am complaining but just here). I miss the lustful spontaneity of it all.
As far as what I do in return, when we are in bed I tend to follow his lead...I don't want to overwhelm him if he isn't up for anything. I get aroused by his desire but I let him decide how far it will go. I could do a better job of showing desire for him in small ways when we are out of bed to make him feel wanted but not put upon.
Quote: I would be very excited if he pressed into me and I felt his hardness against me,
And therein lies the difference in HDW and LDW. What you, the HDW, perceive to be exciting, the LDW would consider to be pressure. It's a crucible of sorts. They're faced with a decision between two things they don’t want: ML, or ignore it. They have no desire to ML, so that’s not a good choice, but it’s painfully obvious that their H does want to ML. Choosing to ignore that must cause awareness at some level that they are rejecting their H.
I may be over-generalizing, but I know that’s how my W has reacted. She hasn’t come right out and said it in these exact words, but the clear message from her has been, “Will you stop poking me with that thing. That’s all you ever think of.”
I am really glad I started posting again because it's helping me get more specific in my thinking. I would categorize my H's sexuality right now as high desire, low arousal, or more like, slow arousal. I am wondering how far back this goes...certainly my LDness throughout the marriage hasn't helped any, but then again, that may have been a contributing factor to my LDness, my H's lack of assertiveness and confidence. I do remember yrs ago feeling frustrated by H's tendency to have inane convos before we ML; he needed to feel a sense of comfort and connection and good vibes--I was put off by this. And he used to do that goofy tickling that GEL and I have talked about before. This kind of stuff didn't work for me but I was unable to figure out and express what I did need to get going. I think my H's sexuality and mine are too much alike...you have two people who came together with lot of energy and enthusiasm, but whose naturally reserved personalities came out during marriage.
I am beginning to understand better why I don't get that validating feeling even though we are having lottsa sex. Now that I have figured out how not to be LD, I am in a better position to help out my H as long as I don't get so insecure. The weight thing is throwing me off now but it really isn't the issue...my H was like this when I was in my 20's before kids. But he does like thinness, and I like myself thinner, so I will make the effort to lose 15 lbs. for the both of us.
JJ, I was thinking about the time you went to a website and looked at "arousals" ---maybe I need to do that! Cure me of my arousal fixation.
Now that I have some semblance of sensuality, I can be less self absorbed and use it in a positive way to keep my H sexually provoked a bit more. I can do more in terms of affirmation, affection, good attitude, etc. and should read up on ED.
Journey, Have you ever asked your H what he needs from you when he is grabbing, squeezing etc?
I ask this because my H just recently told me that he needs more "repricocity" from me. He needs me to really up the sexiness when he shows his little flickers.
The healthy part of me was like, Ok! The unhealthy part was like, Ok you wanna show these little tiny signs and then have me turn up the volume so you don't have to start feeling uncomfortable?!
I still don't know how I feel about that, but I reciprocated last night anyway, when he pulled me in for a passionate peck.
No sex, though, cause we got into a tiff over the MWD video, lol. We only watched the intro so hopefully the meat and potatoes portion of it will be better for us.
Have you noticed any difference in this "slow arousal" phenomenom based on whether he was the one to initiate? I think my H has a hard time understanding that though it takes me about two seconds to get in the mood mentally, if I'm not the one initiating it might take me a few minutes to get in the groove physically. I mean if I'm in the middle of doing something distinctly unsexual and my H says "Want to go to the bedroom?", I'm automatically going to say "Yes." but I'm not instantly going to get all hot and wet. OTOH, if I'm initiating sex myself, I'm probably going to be at least 1/3 of the way there already. I guess if your H is initiating sex but he's doing it because he knows that you want him to he would be in a state of arousal somewhere in between being the initiator or the initiatee. Does this make any sense?
BTW: I wish my H would be more willing to initiate without a raging hard-on. This would eliminate his need for the porn "crutch". IMO it's much more intimate to become aroused together anyways.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have a feeling that the way forward for your situation is exactly the same as was the way forward for mine - "Just Do It". I had exactly the same complaints of "Pressure" and "Keep that thing away from me" and "All you ever think about is sex" as you are having. What you need to do is remove the pressure that seems unrelenting to the LD and replace it with a nice safe routine where she knows what is going to happen and when - say once a week on a favourite day. Your side of the deal is not to apply any sexual pressure at any other time - flirt and tell her you love her by all means but KEEP THAT THING AWAY FROM HER. On the appointed day she has plenty of time to prepare herself mentally and accept the inevitable and you have the reassurance that you will not face rejection. Make sure that she gets absolutely as much out of it as your imagination can give her so she isn’t left with the impression of being used. Once you are settled in a routine you should find that sex is no longer such a big deal for her and she will allow you to try different positions and hopefully different days. I know it is not exactly spontaneous but three times a month with a willing partner is so much nicer than three times a year after a ferocious battle of wills! Also the anticipation as the magical day approaches is quite delicious. Persuading her to try Just Do It might not be as difficult as you imagine because she is likely to want a resolution to the problem as much as you do. Tell her that you would be happy to accept once a week on Fridays (let her change to a day of her choice if she suggests one) and in return you promise not to pressurize her at any other time. If she objects tell her that it can be an experiment for three months and if it causes your relationship to deteriorate she can call a stop to it after that. That is how I sold it to my W and after the three months was up she made no mention of stopping because our household is so much happier and peaceful as a result. SD
Quote: BTW: I wish my H would be more willing to initiate without a raging hard-on. This would eliminate his need for the porn "crutch". IMO it's much more intimate to become aroused together anyways.
Do you think that your H is afraid that if he doesn't start out a sexual encounter fully aroused that he won't get aroused? Does he have the ability to relax and let his arousal happen as it will? What if, even given his and your best efforts, arousal just doesn't happen?
I know these questions are directed toward a comment JJ made, but please feel free to comment if these are revelent questions to your sitch.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Quote: Do you think that your H is afraid that if he doesn't start out a sexual encounter fully aroused that he won't get aroused?
I think it might be partly performance anxiety, but I think it's more that he knows he is "arousal before desire" and he doesn't want to start the encounter not feeling the mental desire. I think he's more concerned that his head won't go to the right place than that his penis won't get hard.
Quote: Does he have the ability to relax and let his arousal happen as it will?
Mr.W is completely lacking the ability to relax in any context, sexual or otherwise. He is pretty much always either on edge and irritable or on edge and funny or on his third beer.
Quote: What if, even given his and your best efforts, arousal just doesn't happen?
This has never happened. If he allows himself to be in any way receptive to my overtures, he always ends up getting aroused. He definitely has LD not ED. If an irrational fear of ED is making him LD then he's just going to have to get over himself. If it turns out that this is the case then I definitely will try to convince him to get personal psychiatric counseling because it's a bit nutz to be operating along the lines of being more afraid of having an ED incident than losing your wife. Especially, since if that ever did happen I would be totally cool about it.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Journey, Have you ever asked your H what he needs from you when he is grabbing, squeezing etc?
I do think I need to up the ante, so to speak, and act more flirtaceous and teasing with him, as well as become more forthcoming with the WOA ( he's into working out).
Quote: No sex, though, cause we got into a tiff over the MWD video, lol. We only watched the intro so hopefully the meat and potatoes portion of it will be better for us.
